Two Years Later

Wow. Little hard to believe that is has been so long since I last posted here. This used to be my outlet. Guess being a mom doesn't always afford the luxury of having an outlet. lol I don't even know where to begin, I mean can I translate into words all the craziness that has happened since I last posted. I really doubt it. Mom has gone back and forth between alive and surviving. I think we all have. She had colon cancer and went through radiation and chemo then reconstructive surgery and several more heart problems. I couldn't begin to explain how damaged and patched together her heart is. But the miracle of it all is how well she is doing, thanks to Liam. He keeps her going. I don't doubt it for a second. My little angel from heaven. Life has not been so nice for little ole me either. Diabetic and had a baby, it took a lot out of my body and I have not been the same since. Not that I would go back and trade it for anything in the universe. Liam is the best thing that ever happened to me. I pray every day to just be the best mother I can be for that angel. I have gastroparisis from the diabetes and possible other factors, they aren't too sure. So I am trying to stay alive and as healthy as I can for my little man. It's been scary. I hate to think that I may end up leaving my baby too soon just as my father did. It's a very scary thought that keeps me awake most nights. I try to keep the faith.

Liam.

He is two now. Well actually 28 months. Crazy. He started walking one week before his first birthday. We actually had been driving my mom back and forth between here and Columbia to see her surgeons down at Ellis Fischer and MU Hospital and he was so excited when we made it back home to be out of his car seat. As soon as we set him down in the front door right in front of the TV that he just pulled himself up and started dancing and that is how he started walking. He had taken a step or two here and there that week but he just danced his little butt right across the floor with 5-9 steps. My mom, Dustin and I were all there to see it. It was magical. Now he's running and jumping and climbing. He has no fear. He just loves to go. Outside is his favorite place to be. I wish we had a yard. An apartment is a hard place for a family. I want a yard for my baby. Well my big boy. He's talking so much now. It's hard to believe that we were once worried about him being behind. He says new stuff every day. Grandma and I talk to him and listen to him. He has just flourished. I feel like he is only days away from school. It’s so scary to watch how quickly he learns and is growing. 1 1/2 inches in a month! A shoe size in a month. I just don't know how to slow him down.

Dustin and I are making it through. Marriage is a hard thing. Taking care of your mom is a difficult thing as well. I often feel as if I am performing a balancing act. Precariously teetering. And the weight constantly shifting. Sleep is something I know that I am missing. Oh I rest. I close my eyes but more often than not I am constantly up and down either from sickness or just my restless mind racing through all the things I need to do, the things I have let go, the mistakes and all the what if and what I need to do. I think sometimes my mind may be the death of me, let alone my dilapidated body.

And Dustin. Doing better than before. The first year of Liam's life was a tough one. No. Tough is not the right word. I don't think I can fathom a word that would cover his first year of life. With mom, him and I in and out of the hospital. The chemo the radiation. Trying to figure out how to be a mom and still a dutiful daughter with mom undergoing cancer treatments. . How to be there and be everything that everyone needed. To be strong and everyones rock, pulling everyone through and keep everything bright and happy. It broke me. Truly. I still do not feel like myself and I doubt I ever will. I used all that was left of my strength and now I am truly terrified of it all. I lost all my toughness. It was bled from me and I am truly lost to myself in a lot of ways. I am still trying to pick up the pieces. But I know that when push comes to shove I will probably find that I have a lot more left, I just never want to have to get to that place. But I know its coming.

Dustin and I endure. We argue. I yell. I talk. I try. I love. Constantly love. And we endure. Building a family is not an easy thing. Especially given all the changes and health and money issues. It’s a miracle we still are friends let alone husband and wife. But our friendship is always there. No matter how mad or frustrated we get with each other, at the end of the day he is my best friend. He is who I laugh with, who I complain to, who I share things with everyday. I can't imagine life without him.

Though there are some days I like to imagine how glorious is could be. lol

Pushing to something more recent. Liam has his first pet. Well technically we are on his second pet.

His first pet he got 2 weeks ago and it was a beta. A blue and red one that never had a name. It was Batman, then Guy but Liam never really liked either so when the poor thing died 3 days later it was RIP for the Unnamed Fishy. I had to flush the poor thing. Dustin was upset he missed the service, well more like devastated. So we went back to the pet store and got Goldfish. 4 of them. The Avengers. Hulk, Thor, Captain, and Ironman. So far so good. At least if these kick the bucket they are cheaper to replace. Liam likes having the fish and does a good job keeping Miss Kitty and Sockies away from them. He likes to walk over and watch them swim and he likes to try and show them his toys. Dad is constantly concerned about the fish. You'd think they were his or something. I am a realist when it comes to fish. My track record is shaky despite my best attempts. I hold out hope that perhaps Dustin's luck with animals will prevail or I will be buying a lot of Goldfish.

Well. It’s late. I should be shutting this thing down. I am out of books to read so perhaps tonight if I don't find some ridiculous movie or show I will get to bed early. There is always hope.

Hey maybe I will even post again soon. One can never tell.

Taking Time

Well being a new mom is taking it all right out of me. I will try and post more as my little man grows, but for now I am putting a pin in this blog. A time out. I'm out but not over!!

William "Liam" Thomas Miller

Since I had the LEEP Procedure a couple of years ago to deal with the cancerous cells that were growing on my cervix, I had to go in and have the doctors check my cervix to make sure it was not too thin and that it wouldn't open too early. I was a little worried since I have had so many different problems and issues but I found out that everything looks good and they checked the size of the baby ( now 7 oz. ) and we got to see his little wee wee!! Yep, its a boy! We were very excited and Dustin all but danced when we found out. He is a little mover and though I still have not felt anything yet, they keep telling me it won't be long now. And that was two weeks ago. I am officially half way through the pregnancy as of this week. YEAH!!!

We also spent a lot of time talking about names and joking about names but ultimately it was a VERY easy choice. Both Dustin and I, have grandfathers who were named William and Dustin knows how strongly I wanted to honor my dad. So after playing around with nicknames and the arrangement of the names we settled on William Thomas Miller. We are calling him Liam, as a shorter form of William. And we both loved it. After saying it was both of our first choices we decided we wouldn't love any name more than this one because it just feels right. In my heart when we said it I couldn't imagine any other name fitting our little miracle.

The next couple of weeks are going to be kind of crazy since we move in a week and then we have the other ultrasound to check on our lil Liam and then we will have unpacking and my *dreaded* 30th Birthday. Ugh. I am more than thrilled to be moving into  a bigger place and to be able to start putting together Liam's room in December. This year was certainly a special one and its sooo hard to believe that next year is going to be even better. Its pretty amazing! 

So glad fall is finally here and I am even more excited to get through to winter and closer to having Liam and introducing him to the world. For now, he's baking and I can't wait to feel my little guy moving and grooving. Soon...

16 Weeks & Still Feeling Ill

So as of today I am 16 weeks! 4 months along. Things have changed over the last 8 weeks. I ended up being transferred to Truman Medical Centers High Risk Diabetes OB Clinic, and had to stay in the hospital over the weekend (7-17-10 through 7-19-10)while they adjusted my insulin levels. I am now on insulin, and my blood sugar is amazing! I have been going every week to the clinic and they have been monitoring mom and baby very closely. This last month I have been going every week to the clinic and they have been doing an ultrasound to get the babies heartbeat and make sure its all ok. Things are going well. I have been having horrible headaches! I mean killer! And then the last few days I have been sicker than a dog. It's been a BAD few days.

Overall everything has been amazing. Basically I am trying to just keep a positive attitude and make this baby feel loved no matter how crappy I feel! lol I bought a set of headphones to help educate the baby on good music while its stuck in my womb. At the moment we are listening to a little Mama's and the Papa's and some Van Morrison. I have decided that the baby must HATE food. Which is a HUGE disappointment to me. I am telling you my appetite is next to nothing and I only eat because I have to take my damn insulin. In the beginning all I kept thinking was all the fruit and veggies I was going to eat for this baby... and let me tell you...this baby doesn't like ANY FOODS! I am living off MultiGrain Cheerios and Fruit Cheerios. lol Anyone who knows me, knows this is some sad mistake. I am hoping that the further along I get, this horrible sickness will magically fade away. I am hoping!

We had our first ultrasound where they do the 14 week testing a couple of weeks ago and they seemed to think everything looked good. I am going to have to have my cervix checked in two weeks I think, since I have had the LEEP procedure and they are concerned about my cervix holding up. So we should know more about that soon. We got some pictures of the baby and that was amazing, we got to see it moving and kicking and hear its little heartbeat. It was beautiful.

We only have one more month till we get to find out the sex of our little miracle. October 5th. Dustin's dad's birthday. Right after we move, we will be able to tell everyone what we are having. I am beyond excited. And I am still anxiously awaiting this lil munchkins punches and kicks, although I know before long I will be wishing for the quieter days and nights lol. I go in this Thursday and will find out the results of my blood tests as well as getting my insulin levels checked and once again getting to hear our lil munchkins heartbeat. I don't care how many times we do it, it never gets old.

Packing has not begun. With one month to go until we move I thought we would be more prepared, but with me not feeling well, and no one else motivated to get the shit done it has stalled out. Hopefully next week I will be feeling a little better because we have to get it done. I have a lot of stuff that we need to get rid of, and even more that needs to be packed - and organized! So wish me luck with that! :P

So I guess that's about it. I am old and lame. I finally went out with Margie last Thursday for reggae night but had to bail out early. Life is moving on...and its definitely changing already. It's an amazing thing, life. This year has been the most amazing by far, and next year is gonna blow this one out of the water! I have a million things to give thanks for, a million things to thank God for. It's been a really really rough road getting to this point, and I know there is so much more to come. Yep. Life is just freaking amazing.

The Best Things

Wednesday, we found out that I am 8 weeks pregnant and due February 9th, 2011. It was a crazy and stressful day since the night before I started spotting. We had to wait and wait, of course. I had my blood work done, my TB test, they tried to do a Doppler and hear the heart beat but we couldn't and when the doctor did the pap smear she said she was concerned about the amount of bleeding she was seeing so she made an appointment for us to go have an ultrasound that day to make sure the baby wasn't in the wrong spot. Which of course sent me into panic mode. Poor Dustin had to go to work so Margie came back with me to see the radiologist. After all the crazy waiting  Margie and I got to see this little spot and found out that I was 8 weeks along to the day, and that the heart beat was 150 bpm. Luckily after seeing the doctor she cancelled the appointment for the following week and said that I could schedule an appointment for 2 weeks later. But I am not allowed to work, and I am on bed rest. It took a couple of resting days but I am now not spotting anymore. So hopes are up, despite my high risk. I quit smoking, am faithfully taking my prenatal vitamins, I am not lifting or anything, I am trying to eat right and take all precautions. We started looking at 3 bedroom apartments since we are going to need a bigger place soon. I am trying to keep a cool and calm head since I get sooo excited just thinking about a baby's room. Its hard to be logical when the most important dream in your life is coming true. But I truly feel blessed, and I am not taking a single day for granted.

So I am sitting inside, relaxing this 4th of July. And I am completely okay with it. I may take a nap and finish my book. I am going to be doing quite a lot of reading at this rate :)

Happy 4th of July!!! Hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday.

Hateing my Wedding but Loving my Groom

The wedding is drawing ever closer and I have to say, I will be so glad when all the wait is over. I am beyond excited to be marrying my best friend. And even more excited to spend the rest of our lives laughing and living, and building our lives together. But weddings bring out the oddest behavior in people. I have seen and heard so many odd things lately. People I genuinely consider to be very good friends, saying the most horrible things about marriage and about Dustin and I getting married. I would never have believed it had I not basically witnessed some of it. It saddens my heart to think that people I care about would think such horrible things of both Dustin and I. I am not foolish to think that people think horrible things or even say them to others, honestly I know I am guilty of disapproving and talking about others on occasion, though in truth, it has hardly ever been maliciously. I am no angel! But when it comes to my friends, I believe they know what I think and feel about them. No one is perfect. No one should be expected to be perfect. Sometimes it just hurts that even though we are almost 30 years old, instead of opening our mouths and talking like grown ups about issues we have, we talk about each other behind our backs.

It feels like this wedding will bring to light all the cracks in the damaged friendships. Which is really funny considering its usually the bride and groom that have to worry with all the details and the money and the stress. Instead, we are both very strong in our love and less in our friendships. You would think we were these spoiled money grubbing Bride & Groom Zilla's. Which is hilarious because we are just the opposite. Our Wedding is as broke as we are. lol But that's not what its about, and I think there are A LOT of people that need to WAKE UP and realise that. When we decided to get married, we just wanted to celebrate with our friends and family. It makes me so incredibly sad to think that the people I wanted most to celebrate with us, are the same ones that are bad mouthing us at every turn. It really makes you think.