Goodbye 2007

I hope everyone had a

wonderful Christmas!

I know Dustin and I sure did!

Wow it's so hard to believe that the year is coming to an end. This year has seen its ups and its downs. I wish I could say there were more good then bad, but that's simply not the case. Every year it seems like I have such high hopes for the next year. Always thinking the next one will be better than the last. I guess it's just wishful thinking. I am trying to go into next year with a more relaxed attitude. I really do try and not be so pessimistic. I guess through everything I am still here, I survived another year, and that is about all I can ask for. I really have meant to get on here more but with the holidays and work and all the stress, I just haven't made the time. Maybe next year will be different, but I basically just wanted to think over this year and put down some of the moments that have stuck with me...good and bad.

Addition to the Family - Okay so it is not exactly what people normally expect or I have been hoping and praying for but this year we got a new kitty, a sweet orange tabby that we names Miss Kitty Fantastico! She is a snugly sweetheart that is playful and ornery but we love her so much!

Skiing in Colorado- Definitely a plus! I had an amazing time, saw beautiful sights, made wonderful memories and found out I cannot ski. Ski boots suck and this year I would really love to try and learn how to snowboard since I hear it is a lot easier. lol

Getting in touch with old friends - This year has been amazing when it comes to reconnecting with old friends. Too many to name but know that I truly feel blessed to have you back in my life even if all we do is drop each other emails or phone calls from time to time, more often than not those little calls really make a difference in my day, week, month and year.

Work - Okay I guess the bad sides have to weigh in too. This year has been a total mess for me. One way or the other, I cannot seem to get ahead. I have made some wonderful business connections, and friends. I have learned A LOT about myself and other people, as well as professionally and I am thankful for all the help and support people have given me. I am just so tired of the bullshit, hopefully I can manage to suffer through and that there is a light at the end of this tunnel.

Family- No major illnesses, nothing too awful aside from some run ins with the law, and some distancing we have muddled through. Its hard to say families sometimes lose touch but they do, even when you live 10 miles away. There are a lot of things I wish for my family and I really wish I didn't care as much as I do, its silly for me to be upset by the rude and snobby attitudes of people that I love and call my family. There is nothing I can do to fix it and it's not my job to reprimand adults who act like children or children that act like fools. I must be comfortable with knowing that I still wish them well and keep them close to my heart when sometimes I just plain don't like them. On the other hand, I have been reunited with family and still feel like I am missing out. I am glad that I have people that I love and cherish no matter how far away or how little I may know about them. After all, family is family and we love them anyway.

Personally, this year has taken its toll. I have fought and lost many battles this year, and know that many of the scars I have received will always be with me. I just hope that something more important comes out of this year, knowledge, love, truth, friendship, faith, courage and maybe some happiness. Lord knows I need it to wipe away a whole lot of tears. So Happy New Year, I hope everyone is safe and has at least a little bit of fun. Please pray for all our friends and family, I hope 2008 brings you all the luck, love and laughter you all deserve.

Lots of love ~

Sondra D.

Ahhh look I did remember. I always think I am forgetting something while checking the many facebook and myspace pages and somehow tonight I actually remembered my poor little blogger page. Not much has changed, still hating men and now irritated about my job, not feeling all so well and tired as all hell. Dustin and I are in some kind of funk. Whatever we are at the moment, happy is not it. Not to say that we are apart but we are on different ends of the map. It's been one of those days. With work and everything else pushing down on me, I feel as tall as a ant. I am at a loss for what to do next, I feel like I am falling apart and little by little pieces just keep getting chipped/broken away from me and I am scared to see what will be left. Well obviously I am in no shape or mood to write anything other that whining and bitching so I will let it go and fall asleep. Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day!

Hating Guys

In the past I have considered some of my rants and raves childish, and I probably get irritated at all kinds of silly things and let them get me a lot madder that I should, but over the past week I have really HAD IT with some of this bullshit. I am by no means a big baby, I have taken care of myself pretty well. I may whine and cry but I soldier on. Teeth pain can be quite a different story for me. My wisdom teeth are causing quite a problem and it is on going. Advil hasn't helped and I cannot find a dentist willing to help me when I have little money. So I am trying to just keep going. But when I need help I ask for it. And to have someone I love look at me crying and puking from the pain and just sitting their doing nothing really pisses me off in a whole new way. Whatever may happen between now and when I feel better, I will never forget how cruel people can be. I have wished all kinds of horrible things on them and I know that it is wrong no matter how strong the pain but I do really hope that someday they too will need help and I hope that someone will help them and offer kindness that was not offered to me.

Lately I feel as if the rose-colored glasses have really come off and the shady world is now out to bring me down. I have that low, sullen feeling that I can't do anything right and that nothing will ever be good again. This year has been quite a ride and with more twist and turns than ups and downs. I hope that the end of the year will have a lot more to offer. I am looking around at apartments online and trying to find a place for ME , something I can afford on my own with a car payment because I really need a car. I have to say if I learned nothing else this year it would be that I really can only rely on myself. Because when it comes down to it, no one is really here to hold my hand and help me. That is also one of the shittiest things I have ever come to realise. So all is all that really says something about my life thus far.

Here's hoping there is a light at the end of this tunnel, and at this point I could care less if its just a fucking train!

Still Kickin!

It's been way too long! I changed jobs and this one is really taking its toll on me. I have been working my butt off literally, I've lost 25 lbs since March and hopefully it will continue. I have gotten my diabetes under control, in a way. I am doing really well in some aspects but my stress level is through the roof. Dustin is getting ready to go on vacation with his family to Alabama. Gulf Shores actually. 10 days without him, its going to be weird without him. My computer is all screwed up so I can't upload any pictures at the moment. Hopefully in the next month or so I will get that fixed, but we shall see. I really don't know what else to say, at the moment I am getting ready to head into work to do our monthly BINGO. I will post sometime again soon, especially since Dustin won't be here. :) Later!

Love Stinks Party!

I love parties, as everyone knows, so for Valentine's Day Dustin and I decided to have a Love Stinks party. And it was a blast. Everyone had a great time and it was good food and good times. Everyone had a random Valentine and they had to take a "in love picture" and then at the end of the night they had to take a "break up" picture. They also had to sing their Valentine a song, and write them a poem. They turned out really funny. I loved it and was really happy with how everything turned out. Here are some of the pictures and some very funny video!

Potluck

Last night Dustin and I went and had dinner with Doug and a few of his friends and colleagues. It was a ton of fun. I have to say it is so nice and refreshing to get out and meet new people. Ever since I got with Richard almost 11 years ago everything about me changed. I realize everyone changes but a lot about me changed. Almost everything in fact. I got lost in him and our relationship and it is taking me a very long time to bounce back from that. It sounds funny but its true. I used to have a ton of friends. I love people. I enjoy meeting new people and through the years somehow I became a sort of recluse. I am 26 years old and I am just now actually seeing the person that I really am. I wish I had taken the time to listen to my heart and to get to know myself before but I have to say, its nice to remember how much you actually enjoy yourself. I don't mean that in a conceited way. I just mean after spending all this time listening to other people and worrying about not being good enough, not liking myself, not being happy with myself, it is really nice to finally be seeing myself in a different light. I'm not scared of feeling things, of being me, or how I look or what I wear and say. I am finally coming to terms with who I am and I like me. Whatever mistakes I have made are mine to make, who I love/loved, what I like or hate, everything I do and have done, has made me who I am and I think that's great. And I think it makes me appreciate everyone else a whole lot more. I love my friends and I love all their habits and quirks. In some way everyone has enriched my life and its nice to see that and appreciate it.

Tonight I am going with Margie to Amanda's Passions Party which should be a lot of fun. I am excited. Tomorrow night Dustin and I taking our mothers out to dinner. It's the first time we have ever gotten them together other than when my mother came to give her condolences to their family when his grandfather pasted away. I don't know why I am a little nervous but I am. Is that weird? I love his mom and I know my mom loves him but its just a little weird to me and I don't know why. Oh well, I am sure it will be fine. I am just being silly.

Well I just wanted to share and stuff.

I will write more tomorrow!

Karaoke !

Good god, how long has it been since I posted. I have been so busy lately. Between work and planning our vacation and trying to stay in touch with friends, I am not getting enough sleep and there just isn't enough time in the day.

Well, the basics are:
We bought Guitar Hero and American Idol Karaoke from Hootie and Samantha and everyone we know is now hooked on them.

Samantha is pregnant again.

Dustin and I are doing great and have no idea what to get each other for Valentine's Day.

Work is driving me crazy.

I don't get enough sleep.

I am trying to get all my medications under control.

Margie quit smoking.

Ummm crap, that's all I can remember at the moment.

So, last night I went out with Margie, Amanda and Rachel and we went up to Arthur's to sing karaoke. After playing the games all the time we decided it was time to get out there and do it right. I only got to do 2 songs, partly because of nerves and partly because of lack of time. I could have done more if I hadn't have waited so long to turn my slips in. But regardless, my first song was great and everyone enjoyed a lot I think and it was Time After Time. There was only one shaky note in the whole thing. The rest was fantastic if I do say so myself. My second song was great too but I was drunk so I was having an out of body experience and I know I did good because I could hear it but when I was up there it felt like I was not singing, but just standing there looking at the words. But I could hear myself so I know I sang and everyone loved it too. So those are my new karaoke songs. I turned in another one but never got to do it and it was Hurt So Good. I love that song and I have wanted to do it for a while and never had the nerve but I would have done it last night.

Yawn okay. That's part one. I need a cig and a quick break. I will write back later.

Rough Start

I think we all have certain expectations for our new year. We all go into it with the hopes and dreams of a better year than he one before and we make resolutions and promises to our selves to improve upon our lives and ourselves. This year I didn't make one. To me it's just one more promise that I will end up breaking to myself so I didn't think it was worth the sentiment. However, that doesn't mean I didn't have and don't still have hopes for what this year will bring.

Dustin and I are having our issues at the moment. Between my health issues and the apartment it's just too much for me to handle without help. The problem is he doesn't know how to help and doesn't try. I am so tired of having to help him with shit and remember shit and taking care of things and then when I need him to help me out with something, or remember something, it never happens. New Years Eve night was a mess. For the most part it was fun but there were a lot of problems and it brought up a lot of issue with me.

I am having a problem trying to come to term with the fact that we may not want the same things, something it took me too long to realize with Richard and I will not make that mistake again. I like to think that I have learned from the mess that I have caused. All the messes I have called. So with all of the things that have been going on I am really starting to feel like I need to quit focusing my energy on him and start directing it at me and my life. I have a lot of stuff that I need to work on and things that I need to do and I think all of that is getting lost in this relationship. A huge part of that is my fault because I focus on him, I made it this way so now this is just what he expects but with all the things I feel like I am missing and all the stuff I want to do getting swept aside I feel like I am right back where I started when I left Richard.

So I am going to make a resolution that I am going to make myself my priority. The rest can wait. I need to take care of my health and my life. I need a car, I need to get to the gym, I need to get healthy, I need to establish my credit and set myself up for the future. Everyday I feel my dream of becoming a mother slip further and further out of my reach. So I need to start making a real effort and start working forward so I can have every opportunity at happiness if not now then in the future. I can't sit idly by any longer. It is time for me to take control and focus on myself.

So on the 16th when I get paid, I am going to get my gym membership and start taking my ass to the gym whenever I get the chance. And then once the divorce goes through and I get my income tax return back I am going to start looking for a nice used car that I can pay off without help. That should start the process of establishing credit. This year I am going to get shit done, even if it kills me.

Enough of that. For now anyways. Dustin got me an iPod for Christmas and I absolutely love it. I still don't have a whole lot for it. I need to get one of the alarms with speakers so I can listen to it at the house without the headphones. I just ordered the iTrip for the car so we can listen to it in his car. I need to get a skin for it and I need to get something to hold it and strap it to my arm or something for when I go to the gym. I am finally getting all my music uploaded onto it. I also bought some new albums for it. I get Nelly Furtado - Loose which is absolutely fantastic. I was kind of hesitant to get it but I am so glad I did and I would recommend it to anyone. Every song brings something different to the cd and it is very eclectic. I was very surprised and very pleased. I also got Justin Timberlake - FutureLove SexSound which I had to buy since I am so addicted to "My Love". I am very pleased with the album although I laughed a couple of times for the cheese factor in a couple of the songs. For the most part I found most of the songs to be pretty good and can see myself listening to the whole album all the time. Now I bought Fergie - The Duchess for Dustin and while I like a couple of her songs this album may not stay on my iPod for long. I have yet to actually make it through the whole cd, which means I am not enjoying it much. I also got Brand New - The Devil and God Are Raging In My Head. I just started listening to it and they sound a little different. I can't quite put my finger on it. I think the singers voice sounds really different. How weird! I also got 30 Seconds to Mars and I am going to get The Killers - Sam's Town and a few others but I haven't made it around to that yet. So far so good though.

Jesse is out picking up trash for community service. It's the 7th and he only did 2 hours of community service and he has to have 10 hours done by Wednesday morning so I am putting him to work today and Tuesday and he was here on Thursday doing the same thing. The only problem is that tonight we are supposed to go over to Dustin's moms house for dinner and I don't feel that great because I have been unable to eat when I am supposed to and take my medicine and Jesse is not even near finishing and we have to be there at 6pm. So basically he has 30 minutes left and then on Tuesday night he will have to come out here and finish it up.

Well I haven't talked a lot about everything that has been going on and stuff but I caught you up the best I could without becoming upset or angry so SCORE! Anyway, I will try and write sooner next time.

Later people.