I am feeling like crap. I have no voice, I am coughing up the nastiest stuff, and I have a horrible headache. Dustin and I spent the last two nights hanging out with Samantha and Hootie watching movies and hanging out. I should be doing better since we didn't really do much. We watched Saw II, Garden State (1 of my favs), Vanity Fair, Rent, Wallace and Grommit, Sky High, and Sixteen Candles. Most of them we have watched many, many times and yet still we ended up watching them again. Garden State is one of my favorite movies and I absolutely adore the soundtrack so as any of you could guess, that is what I am listening to today. Ugh. Anyone got any cold medicine? I am all out and won't have any until Dustin gets off work. Damn it. I really hate to cut everything short but since I feel like utter and complete crap - I am headed off to bed. I will write tomorrow. And Dwayne - Thanks and I love ya! :)

Listening to Death Cab for Cutie - PLANS




Sunday. Another day down. Only I am not sure what I am looking forward to. I am getting broker by the minute and not getting a single step closer to having a job. I decided it was a Death Cab For Cutie kind of day. I missed Resurection Sunday on 96.5 The Buzz which sucks. And I need something to calm my restless brain. I have dreams. And I swear I am not crazy. I dreamt that Jenny's dad would be coming around to all our tables at Jenny's wedding and I had never met Jenny's dad before. Then the day that Samantha and Hootie found out they were having a girl, I dreamt that they were having a girl several hours before we ever found out. So now I find all the dreams that I have I look at more carefully. I also have really amazing dreams that seem like movies. Vivid, amazing. Sometimes scary but amazing none the less. The trouble is that I have a horrible time remembering them. I know the easiest solution is to keep a journal by my bed but I would still forget. or not capture everything just right. I would love to make a movie or a write a book someday about one or some of my dreams. I really don't dream often enough.

This morning I had a dream about Dustin. I often have dreams about him. I know he will betray or hurt me someday. Thats all my subconcious seems to tell me about him. Now in my dream he lied to me. A lot. He hid things from me and didnt tell me how he felt and well that's what Dustin does. I wish I could make him open up to me. But he doesn't do that. He has secrets, there is a whole person inside him that he never lets talk. I know I too have secrets. All ones I am willing to share but not willing to relive. That's why I write. I have always written. I have journals that spread over 10 years I am sure. And in truth that is what this is for me. Its my outlet. Ms. Roberts once said if your a writer you have to write cause you just can't bare to keep it inside. That's the way it feels. Honestly. I miss the openess that I once had with being able to write poems when a thought struck me. I feel like through the years I have lost my openess. I feel like I closed that place off. And with it, my confidence and my pride. I have lost the key to the place that I locked away. Someday I hope to reawaken that part of me. It's much more valueable than I originally thought.

Well Dustin is home and I think we may go see Samantha and Hootie tonight. Or something. Well...enjoy the sun and have a great day.

Fiery_Gurl

It's another Saturday spent at home. Sitting on my ass listening to my usual Surfing the Net/Blogging mix and pretending I have something important to say. Really I am just mopeing around. There is plenty of things I could do but none that I actually want to do. Yesterday was...well if anyone actually read yesterdays post they know how it was. The night consisted of more of the same. Dustin apologized, like usual. And while we both know that he didn't actually mean it, we both pretended he did. I was looking on the net and found something that said we all get the love we think we deserve. And you know, it really holds true. If you think you deserve better then you don't sit around and take less than that. But if you don't think you deserve the kind of love you want, then you take whatever you get. Maybe that is my problem. I know I can be a totally terrible person. I have hurt people and lied and done incredibly stupid things and so the rest of me that isn't a huge fucking bitch feels like I need to be punished. Geez, I'm not even catholic. And if I was that would explain a whole lot but, I'm not. I am just... full og regret. There are things that I have done that sorry cannot even begin to touch. But you know what? I am not a terrible person. I may do terrible things. But I have a heart that feels for people and things and I love everthing so much. I have hopes and dreams and none of that is mean or cruel. So I am not so freaking horrible. So why then is it so hard to find someone that isn't discusted by something about me? I have lots of bad qualities. I eat too much, I am too fat. I can be mean. I get jealous easily. I want everything. I can be selfish sometimes. But you know what? I don't expect anything less from anyone than what I give to them. So if the people I have wronged, wrong me right back, that's what I expect. But for the people I hold above myself, Dustin, I expect him to do the same. And I guess some people just don't feel that way about me. And as I am learning - One day I will finally decide that if that special someone can't love me and please me and feel for me the way I love, please, feel and desire for him then I deserve better. One day. For now, I am still in the, but I love him and maybe thats all I get, stage. I do love him. In more ways than I can say, but he cannot say the same.

Is There Hope?

You know I will never understand why I can't find a guy that will help me when I need help. Hold me when I feel down. You know, comfort me. Be there. Without expectations, without being asked. Someone that will just be there because he cares, because he loves me. Maybe I am just the type of person that when someone is in pain I sympathize. I want to help. I will be the first person to admit that I can be an evil wicked bitch sometimes but I also have a fucking heart. When someone is sick, I want to help. But apparently that can be too much to ask of some people. I swear sometimes I wish .....geez, I don't know what I wish. Wishing gets me no where and it gives me false hope. It's sad but I am beginning to think all hope is false. I hope that isn't true. LOL Yeah. Hope. As I sit here. Feeling like shit. What does the guy that swears he loves me sit and do? Play video games. Maybe that's better than him sitting there looking at me with this blank "and?" look on his face that I honestly wish I could just smack right off his face sometimes. Maybe its better he play games than sit there and pretend that I matter. Cause I am honestly tired of hearing I'm sorry. I am tired of caring what he thinks about me, I am tired of feeling not good enough. I am tired of fawning all over a guy who looks at me like I am invisible sometimes. I crave him. I won't deny it. I won't lie about it. I want to spend hours making him groan and writhe and sweat. I want to please him in ways he only dreams about. But you know what else I want? I want him to crave me. I want him to spend hours teasing me and kissing me and making me moan and beg. I want him to feel what I feel. I want him to know that need , that love , that desire for me that I feel for him. But instead I get ....ignored. I am not fawned over. I am not even worth staying awake for. I have to say for the first time in my life I feel like I am nothing. He used to make me feel special and fill me with confidence. Now all I do is doubt myself. And while I know a lot of that is my doing. He doesn't feel the same way I feel for him. I want to please him in every way god made possible. He just wants to please himself. Its all about him. What movies he likes. What games he likes. What he likes to do. I have to twist his arm to watch a movie that I like whether its a movie classic like Breakfast Club that everyone loves or a chick flick. There has never been a guy who didn't like touching me. Caressing me. Kissing my neck. Getting me hot but fingering me. turning me on. I was spoiled. Archie, Michael, Melvin, Eric, Joe, Richard, Jason. They would love to get me so wet I was dripping down my leg, just begging them for it. Is it any wonder why I feel like I am awful. Like a piece of shit? Dustin can't say that. Dustin can't say he gives a shit about turning me on. Cause it doesn't matter. Richard was like that for a while but then it was like it hit him one day and that all changed. Stupid me, I am just waiting for it to hit Dustin.

For now...I am just going to listen to music loud. Louder. Loudest. Drown out the world and pretend............

Hey People! Don't ask why I am feeling so peppy today, cause I have no fucking clue. Maybe its because I am listening to good music, maybe it's because tomorrow Dustin and I are going to get out gym membership and go work out. Cause as weird as it sounds, I am excited about that. I just wish I wasn't in the middle of fighting off a cold. It started lurcking the other day, sore throat and all that and then Dustin got sick and now he feels like shit. I just hope I don't catch it. I am trying to fight it off but I have a horrible immune system so 10:1 , I will end up with it.

Last night we went over to Wind and Jenny's after Dustin got off work and played Texas Hold'em and Mario Party 7. I funded my end of the table with my winnings to keep some people in so they weren't sitting out. I won it all!! In all fairness Jenny had to go to bed early so she was kind of throwing a couple of the last hands but when she left it was Wind, Alex, Dustin(funded by me), Danny(funded by me) , and me. So once Alex was eliminated and Wind was taken out I had basically won by default since both Dustin and Danny went out several times during the game and I was their only saving grace. I hardly ever win at poker, the cards were on my side but I was excited that I won. I had a freaking full house on one and took a huge pot with it. It was awesome, and usually I don't really like poker. Sometimes it pays to keep an open mind. Before Jenny went to bed I got a great picture of the guys with their shirts up and Jenny at the end. Guess which one is the one who is pregnant! >>>>>>>



Dustin and I. I love that picture. I have been talking about getting my hair cut since New Year's and I decided to wait. I want it short and if I am going to be going to the gym to work out I would like to be able to pull it back and out of my face. So I will deal with it for a while. Tomorrow and Friday are Dustin's days off and then its the weekend and I am really horrible about posting on the weekends so I am trying to make this post a good one. I have been looking at a million graphics and I have some from all kinds of places and I will have some of the links posted soon. So if you like them use them in good health.

What is on tonight? What the hell am I going to do for the next 6 hours until Dustin makes it home? I haven't talked to Dwayne in a few days, so I have no idea how his new job is. I talked to Joe the other day but not since then, hopefully we can all hang out tomorrow or Friday. But for now I am sitting here. Bored to tears. I need to clean my room but SCREW that. I also need to sort my laundry and put together a mp3 cd for the trip to the gym tomorrow but I dont wanna! But I guess I gotta do what I gotta do! *POUT*

HAVE A KICK ASS NIGHT PPL!

A little late posting this but I was busy this weekend and never got around to posting it. Plus I had to upload and edit the pictures that I took from the concert. The Classic Crime was the first band that played. They are from Seattle and I thought they were awesome, Dustin really liked them as well. I didn't get very many pictures from them because I was still trying to figuer out the best place to take a picture and figuer out the lighting and all that mess. Here's their Pure Volume page so you can check them out. They are just getting started so they don't have a cd yet. They will continue touring this summer so catch them if you have the chance.

Well first was Scary Scary Kids or something like that but I didn't really like them much. And then it was my favorite ALLISTER! Samantha and I got to see them just a few months back at the El Torreon and the show was great but I have to admit, I liked this one much better even though it was a bigger venue, this time Scottie had cut his hair, thank god and I love seeing all the fans get into their songs, not to mention the Granada is an amazing space. They are in the middle of some construction but it didn't affect the show any. Allister played a nice mix of the old with the new. None of My Friends Are Punks made the line up thankfully, as well as Scratch, Radio Player, Somewhere Down on Fullerton, and Camouflage. All in all the show was great. We caught up with Kyle after their set and he seemed less than happy with the show because they couldn't hear themselves but all in all he said he had a kick ass time. No surprisde there. Kyle is one of the friendliest people you could ever meet. Regardless if you like the old and not the new or vice-versa it was all good. Dustin likes alot of the new songs and while he wasn't too farmiliar with the old, a good time was had by all.

Now as for Mest, I have heard a few of their songs. I even saw them at the Bottleneck with Fall Out Boy before Fall Out Boy made it big. But I think we ended up leaving early from the show and missing quite a bit from Mest. Dustin really wanted to see them even though he had never heard them before and little did we know that this is their last show. It was all fun and lots of laughs. These guys obviously know how to have a good time and are very friendly and tight with their fans. Since I didn't know any of their songs it was cool to see everyone get into their songs and it seemed like everyone was cutting loose. Girls were kicking the guys asses in the pit and were often rocking out harder than any guys I have seen at concerts. It was a great show and I have to admit I am sorry I missed them last time around and will be getting their cd's and rocking out all on my own . Well Dustin liked them too but he doesn't exactly rock out. :)

After the concert Dustin and I stopped into Buffalo Wild Wings (one of my favorites) and got some chicken strips with Spicy Garlic and Blue Cheese. Yummy Yummy Yummy. The drive back was fun, rocking out to Allister, wishing I had some Mest cd's and anxiously waiting the Classic Crime's cd. The rest of my weekend was spent with a sore throat a crappy cell phone that didn't charge and then getting my income tax return, paying bills and beging broke again. However I did get a couple of things for Samantha's baby shower, although yesterday after talking to her I honestly wish I had waited. I don't know whether her pregnancy hormones were raging or what but she was not happy with anything I said yesterday. You know it is almost impossible to be friends with someone when they are going through a bad relationship. It happened with Rose and now it is happening again with Samantha. Maybe they should just quit bitching to everyone if they don't want anyones opinion. No matter what someone says they get all pissed off about it when you are just trying to show support they get an attitude and yet if you told them to shut up and deal with it they would swear you never cared about them. This is the reason I hate women. I am tired of listening to 900 problems everyone else has and them being a bitch about it. We are far too old to be blaming our problems on everyone else. I have more problems than I can stand but I don't see anyone around that can help me with them so why bitch and fucking complain to everyone about something only I can fix? There isnt a point in doing that. When I am upset and depressed, yes I will find someone to cheer me up or listen but then its done. There isnt abother 899 times I will come at them and bitch and whine and complain to them about the same problem. Grr. You know, you just can't win. And if I lose another friend over stupid men shit, when all I am trying to do is tell them the truth, then fuck it. Cause I will not sit and listen to them cry over the same shit time and time again. If a guy treats me like shit, then why the fuck am I with him? Basically I weigh out the good and the bad and if I think I wouldn't be happy with them more than I would be sad with them then there you fucking go. It's fucking 2006 and I will not be someones mat to walk on. Been there done that, ain't fucking doing it again. Ugh! I am too old for this crap. And I have my own shit to worry about. And until everyone's attitude improves , just leave me the fuck out of it. lol. So that sums up my weekend. I hope this week will prove to be a better one. I will write later or tomorrow since tonight I am having dinner with Dustin and his mom.

Lights Out!

Sorry I didn'y post sooner. There was a slight lack of power. Funny thing about computers, they run on power! What's that all about?! Anyways, so after the delay I am back and ready to make a new post. Still looking for a job. Wow, big suprise there. Still crossing my fingers for a call back with some promise. Valentine's Day was good. My Valentine's Day was early. Since Dustin had to work Valentine's Day night we celebrated some the night before. He was really sweet and got me flowers, the all important chocolates and Angel Season 4 on DVD. One more season to go and I will own all Buffy and Angel on DVD! Aren't my flowers so pretty? We stayed home and watched Buffy and Angel and just relaxed. We didn't do much for Valentine's Day really. We went to Harrah's Casino and played some of our comps. We didn't win anything really. But we had a good time. We are staying at the hotel the weekend after next. Another nice comp. Yesterday is when the power went out. KCP&L can be real jerks. I mean when you pay the bill and get a confermation code you would think everything would be fine, but no. Once they come out they will not leave without turing off your power. And then they won't come back out until the next day. So yesterday I spent all day reading by the window and then once it got dark , reading by candlelight and flashlights. Dustin worked till 10pm last night so he missed most of the darkness. When he got home he got to join the camp-out and we ended up playing Buffy the Vampire Slayer Board Game until about 1am and then we decided to try and get some sleep. Unfortunately when there is no lights that also means no sounds and you would be amazed what you can hear when there isn't a heater,furnace, fan or a/c on in the middle of the night. So I dont think we ended up asleep until almost 6am. We just kind of laid there and talked all night. My Baby is good to me. But the power was restored this morning and life resumed as usual. I am really hungry though. Most of our food isn't going to be any good anymore so that means we have to head to the store and get some shit to eat.

Isn't my boy cute? This is him making fun of me cause I am always telling him how sexy he is and he kept denying it. But now, as you see I have the proof. My guy is a hottie. A goof ball, a dork and a goober, but a hottie. Funny thing is he really never gets on the computer so I doubt he will even know this picture is on here.

I love this one because it shows what a nut he can be. He loves his paintball. At least he looks cute in the hat. Unfortunately not so hot in the camo clothes. I don't know why but I just don't like it. He and Hootie have this weird passion for paintball. And while I have given serious consideration to going with them and honestly almost did go, I just couldn't do it. But then there is other stuff that played into that. See previous postings. But I hope that this summer I will lose the inhibition and the self consiousness and break out of my shell and pick up a gun and take some of these boys out. And hopefully not get hurt. I have seen some bad shit when they come home from these places. Hootie got shot in the neck - that didnt look like fun to me. But we shall see.

Gonna run now since my baby got off early! Will write tomorrow -