Two Years Later

Wow. Little hard to believe that is has been so long since I last posted here. This used to be my outlet. Guess being a mom doesn't always afford the luxury of having an outlet. lol I don't even know where to begin, I mean can I translate into words all the craziness that has happened since I last posted. I really doubt it. Mom has gone back and forth between alive and surviving. I think we all have. She had colon cancer and went through radiation and chemo then reconstructive surgery and several more heart problems. I couldn't begin to explain how damaged and patched together her heart is. But the miracle of it all is how well she is doing, thanks to Liam. He keeps her going. I don't doubt it for a second. My little angel from heaven. Life has not been so nice for little ole me either. Diabetic and had a baby, it took a lot out of my body and I have not been the same since. Not that I would go back and trade it for anything in the universe. Liam is the best thing that ever happened to me. I pray every day to just be the best mother I can be for that angel. I have gastroparisis from the diabetes and possible other factors, they aren't too sure. So I am trying to stay alive and as healthy as I can for my little man. It's been scary. I hate to think that I may end up leaving my baby too soon just as my father did. It's a very scary thought that keeps me awake most nights. I try to keep the faith.

Liam.

He is two now. Well actually 28 months. Crazy. He started walking one week before his first birthday. We actually had been driving my mom back and forth between here and Columbia to see her surgeons down at Ellis Fischer and MU Hospital and he was so excited when we made it back home to be out of his car seat. As soon as we set him down in the front door right in front of the TV that he just pulled himself up and started dancing and that is how he started walking. He had taken a step or two here and there that week but he just danced his little butt right across the floor with 5-9 steps. My mom, Dustin and I were all there to see it. It was magical. Now he's running and jumping and climbing. He has no fear. He just loves to go. Outside is his favorite place to be. I wish we had a yard. An apartment is a hard place for a family. I want a yard for my baby. Well my big boy. He's talking so much now. It's hard to believe that we were once worried about him being behind. He says new stuff every day. Grandma and I talk to him and listen to him. He has just flourished. I feel like he is only days away from school. It’s so scary to watch how quickly he learns and is growing. 1 1/2 inches in a month! A shoe size in a month. I just don't know how to slow him down.

Dustin and I are making it through. Marriage is a hard thing. Taking care of your mom is a difficult thing as well. I often feel as if I am performing a balancing act. Precariously teetering. And the weight constantly shifting. Sleep is something I know that I am missing. Oh I rest. I close my eyes but more often than not I am constantly up and down either from sickness or just my restless mind racing through all the things I need to do, the things I have let go, the mistakes and all the what if and what I need to do. I think sometimes my mind may be the death of me, let alone my dilapidated body.

And Dustin. Doing better than before. The first year of Liam's life was a tough one. No. Tough is not the right word. I don't think I can fathom a word that would cover his first year of life. With mom, him and I in and out of the hospital. The chemo the radiation. Trying to figure out how to be a mom and still a dutiful daughter with mom undergoing cancer treatments. . How to be there and be everything that everyone needed. To be strong and everyones rock, pulling everyone through and keep everything bright and happy. It broke me. Truly. I still do not feel like myself and I doubt I ever will. I used all that was left of my strength and now I am truly terrified of it all. I lost all my toughness. It was bled from me and I am truly lost to myself in a lot of ways. I am still trying to pick up the pieces. But I know that when push comes to shove I will probably find that I have a lot more left, I just never want to have to get to that place. But I know its coming.

Dustin and I endure. We argue. I yell. I talk. I try. I love. Constantly love. And we endure. Building a family is not an easy thing. Especially given all the changes and health and money issues. It’s a miracle we still are friends let alone husband and wife. But our friendship is always there. No matter how mad or frustrated we get with each other, at the end of the day he is my best friend. He is who I laugh with, who I complain to, who I share things with everyday. I can't imagine life without him.

Though there are some days I like to imagine how glorious is could be. lol

Pushing to something more recent. Liam has his first pet. Well technically we are on his second pet.

His first pet he got 2 weeks ago and it was a beta. A blue and red one that never had a name. It was Batman, then Guy but Liam never really liked either so when the poor thing died 3 days later it was RIP for the Unnamed Fishy. I had to flush the poor thing. Dustin was upset he missed the service, well more like devastated. So we went back to the pet store and got Goldfish. 4 of them. The Avengers. Hulk, Thor, Captain, and Ironman. So far so good. At least if these kick the bucket they are cheaper to replace. Liam likes having the fish and does a good job keeping Miss Kitty and Sockies away from them. He likes to walk over and watch them swim and he likes to try and show them his toys. Dad is constantly concerned about the fish. You'd think they were his or something. I am a realist when it comes to fish. My track record is shaky despite my best attempts. I hold out hope that perhaps Dustin's luck with animals will prevail or I will be buying a lot of Goldfish.

Well. It’s late. I should be shutting this thing down. I am out of books to read so perhaps tonight if I don't find some ridiculous movie or show I will get to bed early. There is always hope.

Hey maybe I will even post again soon. One can never tell.