Time Warp

So I feel like I have reverted back to being 9 years old again. Okay maybe not nine but I have reverted back to when I had not moved through all the issues I have had to deal with over the years. I can't explain how exciting and nerve racking it was to see everyone. I am so excited I got to meet my cousins Christa and Denny for the first time ever. I know my dad is smiling like crazy up there because I got to see Linda and everyone again. My mother was so excited to see Barb and Linda again. It's so amazing how different and yet so much the same everyone is. I was so happy to see Debbie and hear about her kids, because I remember being so excited to be a step aunt when I was younger. I was so glad to get to talk to her again and it meant a lot to me.

But I feel strange. I am angry with my grandmother for lying and telling me that she told everyone that I physically hurt her and that everyone knew what I did and how horrible I was, and now I find out after all these years of thinking everyone hated me and it wasn't true. I lost so many years with my family and it hurts. All those issues it took me so long to deal with and now they are all spring right back up in my face. It's hard. I haven't cried so much in years. It feels like I am right back where I was before. And I am trying so hard to focus on the good and be the person that I am today and not revert back to the insecure, scared person I was before but it is a constant battle. I am crying at the drop of a hat. I can't sit through a meal, I can't think about the past without breaking into a sob fest. I just don't feel like me anymore. I had gone so many years with a missing piece and I learned to deal with the hole. And it hurts now to have to rip open that wound, even if it is to heal it.

I don't want anyone to misunderstand me, or my feelings, because I would not wish this away. I would not ever give this up because I missed everyone more that they will ever know. I just wish it wasn't so hard. I wish there wasn't animosity or unsettling feelings floating around everywhere. For whatever it is worth, I let my anger go. I forgive grandma, and my dad, and my mother, and my family and myself because if there is ever going to be love there has to be forgiveness. We all paid our due. I may not be religious but I think God will answer all questions and finish all arguments. All I can be is open, and hope I get that in return. I have no secrets to hide. I am awaiting an email that will hopefully help straighten out any questions, or concerns. I was raw yesterday and I think I mistook a statement to mean more than it was meant to and I am waiting to find out if I did mistake it or not. I hate waiting. lol I just want to focus on the good things in life, like reuniting with my family. I want to know how their life has been. I want them to know that while I could not be there before I will be now. After everything I have been through I just want to cherish every moment. And this is a good time even if it does deal with bad ones from the past, I am trying to focus all my energy on the good. And I will.

My mom is having a hard time too. Just with missing dad so much. I am so proud of her and everything she has done. I know dad is behind her every step of the way, I just wish he could actually be here for her because she need him so much. I am getting all worked up again and I need to get some stuff done here at work.

Samantha, call me! Sorry I missed your call last night. I have had a hard weekend and I slept it off. I love you and kiss Bella for me.

Fate

I have always been a big believer in fate. Strange things happen all the time, and I believe that things happen for a reason. Even bad things. My grandmother on my father's side, Myrtle Davis, passed away Tuesday. I found this out this morning when I came into work and decided to check my My Space page. I had several new messages and a new friend request. I looked at the friend request and I knew who it was immediately. My cousin Breena.

Now let me give all my friends some history on my family because while everyone knows my mothers side of the family, this side belongs to my father. Most of you know only the basics about my dad. I was 9 when he had a fatal heart attack and passed away. I have poems of all sorts about that period in my life because it was a hard one. One that has made my mother and I closer and closer over the years. My father had 12 heart attacks before the last one that finally took him. He had heart disease, high blood pressure and high cholesterol, he also had a bad back. As I got older I realised he also had other problems but then there are a lot of things you don't see as a kid, or don't realize. He was a wonderful father. I miss him everyday and I wish like hell that I could have known him better and I am jealous as hell of the people that did. He was married and had 2 kids, Debbie and Mike before he divorced and then met and married my mother. So I have a step sister and some nieces and nephews, and a step brother (who might now have kids as well).

My father had 2 sisters and a brother. Breena was my cousin and she is the one who found me on My Space. Breena and I were close when I was growing up, we were close in age so we fit perfectly. We would stay the night at grandma's house and we would stay up all night playing pong and all sorts of weird games. My grandmother was eccentric, to say the least. I have never understood her, and never claimed to. Breena was why I went to grandma's. She was my favorite person in the whole world back then. And no matter how much we did or didn't like grandma, that is why we went. When my dad passed away everything went grey.

I remember people arguing at his funeral, fighting, things in chaos and my mother crying. It seemed like everyone just wanted a piece of everything. Things got rough, we went on food stamps and my mother was working like crazy, she was getting migraine headaches that would put her in the hospital and everything was hard. I know things were okay with the family for a while but then it seemed as if things just started to change. Now I was young but I can distinctly remember my grandmother calling every year on Earth Day, the day my father died and wanting to go out and celebrate. I never understood this and for a while it just made me angry with her. Now that I am older I can only hope it was her weird way of celebrating his life and not his death as she made it sound. She was not always in her right mind I think. Because I can remember after all those heart attacks my father had to endure the last on that killed him she said "well at least we know he wasn't faking it". I have never understood her, where and why she would think , let alone say something like that out loud after her son just died. Basically after too many times of hateful words spoken I realised I wanted nothing to do with her.

When I was 15, after many years of struggling and food stamps and taxes on the house the we couldn't afford and everything falling apart, I had to call my mothers best friend to take her to the hospital because my mother couldn't get out of bed because her headaches was so bad. Turns out she had high blood pressure brought on my the medicine they had given her to try and stop the headaches and she was very ill. The day after my mother finally got to come home my grandmother, Myrtle called the house for the hundredth time regarding the taxes, my mother was not to get out of bed so I told her she could not come to the phone and she got very angry with me. I told her to leave us alone my mother is sick and she kept on and kept on calling and then the next day while my mother was at her doctors appointment, my grandmother showed up banging on the door. She yelled at me and told me to get my mother. And I told her she was not at home. She pushed her way in and looked around the living room and of course my mother was not there. I told her she had been in the hospital and that she could not deal with the stress and she screamed at me and told me I was a liar and my mother was a liar and that she didn't want to lose the house because we couldn't pay the taxes and she yelled and screamed until I finally lost it. I had never yelled at an adult, let alone my grandmother but I couldn't stand there and let her bad mouth me and my mother and my family like that. So I told her to get the hell out, that my mother was very ill and she didn't need her in her face so to get out and never come back. I was balling and screaming and I was scared to death. Ask me if I regret it? I wish I could say no, but I don't. She was hateful and evil that day and she brought it on herself. After that, I can remember telling my mother what I had done and crying, saying how sorry I was and everything else. I know my mother talked to her several times after that, my grandmother said I was horrible to her and hit her, which was not true. She told my mother all kinds of horrible things that never happened. And now she is gone.

I am not sorry about the relationship I don't / never had with her. But I am sorry I missed out on the rest of the family. I loved Linda so much. She was like an idol to me for so long when I was younger. She made me want to learn to draw and sculpt and write. I think a big part of me when to Paseo because of her, and she had never known that. I am not even sure she would want to know. I am so happy that I have a chance to reconnect with this family that I have missed so many years with, I only hope that they feel the same way. I am nervous. I can't deny that. So many lies were said and I can only imagine how over the years things got worse. I hope that isn't so. But even if it is, my mother and I are going to go reunite with them and I am so excited to see Breena and everyone. I can't believe after all these years of wondering, fate stepped in.

A Tuesday Night

So I am 26. I still don't feel 26, not the way I felt 25. I guess there are some years you feel more than other. Fear more than other. I wonder if 27 will be that way for me. I mean in all honesty these past few years have flown by. I am going to be 26 and divorced. I worried about the way it sounded in my head before but now I am actually seeing it through rose-colored glasses. Come what may. And no I haven't been watching Moulin Rouge. I guess I am just having a good day. Ha!


You know I realized today that I did something bad, I completely spaced my anniversary. Can you believe that? I don't know if that shows progress or if that just proves what a horrible person I am. There is nothing I can do about it. I mean I did remember his birthday and even called him to wish him a great birthday. But now it occurs to me why he was so surprised that I did call him seeing that I missed our anniversary. But we are both with other people so it would be pretentious for me to call and say Happy Anniversary. But I still feel mean that I forgot. It's different to just not call than to not remember. But hey, maybe he forgot to! Then I wouldn't be horrible, it would just mean we have moved on with our lives.


Okay so on with chipper things. So I am wanting to buy a new camera. I am hoping to get one around Thanksgiving, which is actually really really close. Fuck! I hate it when shit sneaks up on me. I don't handle shit like this well. Damn it all to hell. I wanted to have everyone over for a pre-Thanksgiving dinner and that is going to be hard to pull off in such a short time. I better start planning. And seeing what others think of the idea. Jenny! I need to talk to Jenny because as much as I wish I had the room to do it here there is just no way. Fuck! Damn it time sucks, when we want to savor it or need more of it it flies by but when we are waiting for it to pass it is slower than molasses. Damn it. Well I have a lot of planning to do and not much time to pull it off. That means people will have to bring a dish with them. I will have to see who would like to help also. Hmm I guess we shall see.



Well I need a notebook and some time to write and search some stuff, so I guess my catch up session is over. Poop!

Later!

Calling All Cars - Senses Fail

Senses Fail - "Calling All Cars">

That's what friends are for?

You know, I am not perfect. I don't expect people to be saints, because I am not one either. I have more than likely thought something hateful about everyone. Maybe out of jealousy, maybe out of spite, perhaps out of anger. So do I expect people to always be nice and say nice things? No. But now ask me if I expect my own good friends to talk about me and say what a pig I am? No. Sorry I don't. In my group of friends we all have our share of issues. I love that about us. In all our weird ways, we find was to relate. I love all my friends for different reasons. And yes we all get angry or annoyed with each other for one reason or another. But I know that in a day or so I am over it and its no big deal. I hope this is just one of those things but now I am sitting here trying really hard not to cry. I share my life with people. I talk about my problems and want to hear about everyone else's. I care about everyone. I care about their lives, and their dreams. I care about their feelings. Last night a group of us got together for dinner and watched Project Runway over at Jenny and Wind's. I honestly had a great time, we laughed and played with the babies. But there was tension and I tried my best to disperse and distract. I tried to smooth things over and keep everything light. I joked and kidded around. And I did feel weird and strained from all the tension. But I managed to have a good time. Then I find out that someone was talking about me behind my back. And in that process that someone else had to have been talking about me as well. Basically I am a fat cow and I eat too much. First of all, when and what I eat is no one else's business but mine. And I don't go out to eat often enough with anyone for anyone to have anything to say about it. I don't deny I eat. I don't hide it. And for someone to make me feel insecure about it really upsets me. I know that people have said it and there is no denying it. So where do I go from here? I question myself if I continue to be friends with them then any pain I get from them being backstabbing and mean I feel like I would have brought on myself. But I am not they type of person to then hate them from here on out. I don't know why it must have made them feel better to diss me but I think it's pathetic and mean. Part of me wants to me mean back and just tell them all the horrible things I have ever thought about them because they seem to have no concern for my feelings so why should I care for theirs. But that is not me. I don't want to be that person. And so now I am left questioning what friendship really is. I remember what friendship was once. Rose and I growing up, knowing each other inside and out. Finishing each others sentences. Knowing each others secrets, and dreams. And yes you fight and you argue but you do it out of love and you both know that. You don't sit around talking about what they are wearing or how skinny or fat they are. Of what their hair looks like. Just looking for flaws. Friends see flaws but they look right past them. They help flaws fade away not highlight them and rub them in your face. I don't know if I have friends like that anymore. Maybe the older you get the more superficial your friends become. But I could sure use a hug from a real friend right now because with all the crap I have been going through with my diabetes and PCOS and having children someday, all I need is another insecurity. I am upset and hurt and I have to be the better person when all I want to do is cry.

Two Days and Counting

I haven't posted in a while. Things have been hectic with everything going on. The doctor had me taking too much medicine and my blood sugar got really low and I went hyperglycemic and was sick ass a dog for a few days. Now I am on a much smaller dose and doing good. I am getting heartburn and headaches though now. But I am doing better. I have only 2 days left till my birthday which is on Friday the 13th this year. We aren't doing anything too crazy. We are going to have Jimmy Johns for lunch, have dinner with Dustin's mom, and then go see the Grudge 2. We did decide to have a Karaoke and Cocktails party on Saturday though. It should be fun. Something simple that wont cost too much money. Then on Sunday we are going to go out to the Renaissance Festival and get some Buffalo Wild Wings on our way home. I love my birthday!

For now I am going to get back to work. I have a huge headache and all I want to do it go lay down!