Larmar Hunt

I have been a fair weather friend to the Chiefs. I have both loved and hated them all at the same time, and now with the loss of our cities beloved AFL founder and Chiefs owner I am left wondering what will happen to our city and our football team. I fully agreed with plans to revise Arrowhead and Royals Stadium, I took the good with the bad in regards to improvement plans. As a twenty-something year old, I believe we need to take charge of the revitalization of our city and either move forward or suffer the lack of tourism that could kill our economy. I am one of those people that would pay the extra taxes to improve and build up our future. This city lacks vision in regards to our future. We complain but never take action and now because of this with the Chiefs owners passing we too may soon feel the loss of our beloved football team. True Chiefs fans are something to be admired. I have rooted for them in spite of horrible odds, injuries, and mistakes. I hate heatedly screamed and yelled at my TV like a madwoman, gesturing and cursing, yelling out directions that I know nothing about. They are my home team. They are what taught me to love football. Taught me about taking the good with the bad and to keep fighting. No other city will love the Chiefs the way Kansas City loves them. I pray that Lamar Hunts dreams don't end, I pray they continue on in Kansas City as he would have wanted and as we all want as well. I have never known much of the man, but I hope those who did will continue on in his name.


http://msn.foxsports.com/nfl/story/6271074?FSO1&ATT=HMA

Sense Fail

Oh man I am getting so old. The concert was great. We missed I Am The Avalanche, which sucks because I was stoked to see them. We got there as they were setting up for Bleeding Through, they are much harder than I like but they were pretty good. Dustin loved them. The lead singer had a great stage presence but the rest of the band was pretty bland, they could play but they were not very engaging. Saosin was amazing. Having never seen them before and never really hearing anything they have done I was unsure what to expect. Cove Reber, the front man has a truly amazing voice that really makes the lyrics speak to you. The band was amazing. I am glad I finally got a chance to check them out. I will definitely be picking up their new album. Of course you know Senses Fail was amazing. I got squished, trampled, elbowed, hit in the head, and then I even got even. I took out several jerks that just couldn't stop thrashing about and running into me. I may be a girl but watch out when I have had enough. I was a little stupid and forgot to charge my camera so I saved the batteries strictly for Senses Fail but being that we were squished for almost 75 percent of their set, I only got a handful of pictures. I took a few shots to the head trying to take the pictures but it was worth it. I tried to post them last night but something is wrong with my damn computer because I couldn't transfer them to the computer. I think the dock came unplugged or some bullshit. I am going to mess with it tonight and post them.

Tonight Dustin and I are going to finally get our Christmas tree up. I still think I am missing stuff, and I know more than likely it is at my mothers but I haven't had a chance to go over and check it out and they are still unpacking.

Okay so now for the drama. Yesterday was a good day off, I went shopping with Danny and then he dropped me off over and Samantha and Hooties, where I got to play with Bella all night till Dustin got off work. She is such a cutie. She is the happiest little girl and her laugh is so cute. I adore her, such a sweetie. So Samantha and I watched Kinky Boots which was a pretty cute movie. It's about a cross dresser Lola, that saves a shoe factory and a man named Charlie in New Hamptonshire England or something like that. I thought it was pretty good. So in the middle of watching the movie and playing with Bella, I get a call from my mother. Guess who is in the Juvenile Detention center in Clay County? Everyone say it with me now, JESSE! Oh joy. Turns out he was skipping classes and got picked up and happened to have a warrant out for drunken in public, something my mother has never been told. Not to mention this is his second warrant and he isn't even 18. So he is stuck there until we can somehow come up with $250 for a bail bondsman because bail is $2500.00! I hate to say thins but since he never seems to make it too his court dates, I wish my mother wouldn't be the one to get him out but I know she will. I am so tired of these stupid little teenage bastards that think they don't have to listen to anyone and that they know every damn thing. I was a punk kid that caused trouble but I was never stupid enough to run around getting drunk out in public, skip school and then be walking around so a cop can pick me up. Kids are getting dumber and dumber but the minute. At this rate we will all be reverting back to cavemen. Idiots. I really wish all these stupid idiot parents would get neutered and spayed because they aren't doing society any favors by adding another idiot to the world population.

Alright I am starting to get mean and nasty, I better go chill out and relax for a few minutes.

Pictures will be here soon!

Love ya!

Bye!

Tonight Tonight

December 7th

I am soo ready to get outta here! It's almost 4pm and I am ready to hit the shower and throw on some clothes and get down to Lawrence because TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT! Senses Fail with Bleeding Through at the Granada. I am sooo excited I can hardly sit still. All day I have felt like I am sitting on pins and needles. Last night Dustin and I had game night and dinner with Samantha and Hootie. Bella is getting so big. She is as cute as ever and she got to open her Christmas gifts. She loved the glow worm and the giggling cow. Samantha and Hootie both loved the massager we got them and I am sure they will be fighting over it in no time. They got me the Trivial Pursuit 80's Edition that I have been wanting, so we played than and it was pretty fun but man, you there are a lot of questions the begin What Nation... , needless to say it was a rough one. We also watched Senses Fail on Steven's Untitled Rock Show on Fuse. I bet Samantha is bouncing off the walls right now. Poor Dustin had to go do laundry by himself since we stayed out too late last night I and I was too tired. We still haven't manager to get the tree up yet, despite all our best efforts. Being sick really put us off track. We did get almost all of the Christmas shopping done though. Ugh okay I am going to run away and get ready!!! Everyone say a prayer that I don't get pummeled in the pit.

Lots of love! I will post any good pictures I get tomorrow!

To Old Friends

It has been too long since I have seen and talk to some of my friends. We all have old friends that through the years you keep in touch wit but never really get to see anymore, it's the way our lives work. Time moves and often it's much faster than it seems. You forget to call, to write, to make time and then all of a sudden a year or two has flown by and you are out of touch.

Last night while Dustin and I were moving the rest of our crap out of my mothers old house, my mom got a call from Rose's mother. It has been forever. Way to long for words and I am so happy that we are all going to get together. So much has happened and so much has changed. I am excited to see her and Aurelia and Lil and now Lorenzo. I am thrilled and excited and I cannot wait. Now all I need is a car so I can go see her. It sucks, I am stuck at home all the time because my piece of crap car. I can't go anywhere unless Dustin takes me and it drives me up a wall. I think a lot of my friendships are suffering because of it. Jenny and Wind never call us, Jenny doesn't even talk to me period. Samantha and I talk on the phone all the time but she is really the only one. Margie calls and I thank god for her since she is sweet enough to offer to come get me if she wants to do something or hang out. I think she understands the difficult situation that I am in. It just sucks. I don't have the money to go out and buy a new car. I am going to have to save up all kinds of money that I don't have to get one and since I have no credit it is going to be extremely difficult to do. I have been looking around online and hoping that after the new year I can figure something out. But alas, that leaves me all by myself most days.

Feeling Much Better Now

Ugh! One of the worst weekends ever, but thank god I survived. I still feel funky but I am awake, sitting up, talking, walking, and smelling like a normal person. My sickness has passed and I am itching to getout of the house and now it's all freaking rainy and shit. Just my luck.

I miss my friends. I haven't gotten to talk to hardly any of them. I am ready to get out of the house, unfortunately tonight all I am going to get to do is go over to my mom's and get the rest of my crap out of the old house and then get my christmas boxes over here. I am excited about putting up our Christmas tree. It's exciting. I need to get some decorations for the office too. I know somewhere I have a bunch of stuff but I just don't want to get into all that crap.

I have started on my Christmas shopping. No one is done yet, but at least I have started. Once I get my wrapping paper I am going to go ahead and wrap the gifts and then they will be all ready to go. I know I shouldn't spend a lot and I really don't want to but it's really hard once you start seeing things you know people will like. And then this year we have the two babies to shop for! I have already seen 500 million things I would love to get them . Stuff they really don't need of course. *yawn* Damn it. I am still way more tired than I should be. It sucks. Will I ever get over this crap!?!

I have a little over a week till Senses Fail and I am stoked. I know Samantha is as well. Ugh! Damn it now it has decided to rain harder. This is going to suck trying to move all those boxes in the rain.

Okay things are getting busy/annoying here at work so I will have to blog later!

Bye!

More Than You Want To Know

So I am finally out of bed. Well, temporarily anyway. I have been sicker than a dog for the past few days and now Dustin has caught it and is laid out in bed trying to sleep. Thanksgiving never really happened. Basically I spent the entire day laid out or sitting at the toilet. Fun fun. I missed dinner with my family and dessert with Dustin's family because I was so ill. It sucked. And now here it is 4 days later and I am still all messed up and just trying to get better, while taking care of Dustin who is amazingly doing way better than I was.

I had planned on trying to cook dinner tomorrow but now it seems pointless since neither of us will feel up to it. My poor mother is trying to move this weekend and unfortunately she is two hands short now. Plus Jesse is pulling some crap and didn't show up like he was supposed to. That kid, I swear. Well I wish I could write more but energy is severely lacking today and I still feel really crappy. I hope everyone is able to steer clear of this crap because it is pure hell.

STAY HEALTHY!

Hellogoodbye at the Granada

Alex, Crissy, Dustin and I had a fabu time last night at the concert and then got to partake in some delicious Jimmy John's sandwiches. I was unsure who was playing with Hellogoodbye which turned out to be Cute Is What We Aim For, Reggie and the Full Effect, and some unheard of band that we missed since we were slightly late.

I have only heard Cute is What We Air For a couple of times and they weren't bad, but I did enjoy them live. They weren't truly amazing but they had energy and their songs sound good live, their voices were strong enough, their lyrics we kind of catchy and I will be looking for their CD.

As for Reggie, whose hometown is Lawrence, Kansas. It was a love hate relationship with the audience, in which love mostly ruled but clearly as time has gone by and age has waged its war again all music great and small, most people were not feeling them. I was pretty impressed and can see why they were popular and still are with the loyal fans that will follow him till he is ready to throw in the towel. The songs were fun and hard, and everyone on stage knew how to just enjoy the music. It seems like band now a days are more concerned with image than with the music and it was a fun, light hearted night that a lot of concerts lack. All in all I was glad to see Reggie though I had no previous desire to. It is something I will definitely do again.

The headliner, and one of my favorite bands, Hellogoodbye are your basic geeks. geeks that I would expect to see in 80's movies and makes me think of a slightly better dressed Duckie. If you haven't heard them, check out their new CD,Zombies! Aliens! Vampires! Dinosaurs! which is their second CD and is full of upbeat electronic songs that will have you daydreaming and snapping your fingers to the beat. Yes they are bubble gum pop to the funnest extreme. The love songs make all the girls hearts go pitty-pat even the older generations enjoy the music for the very Buddy Holly look and sounding lead singer Forrest. Adorable (bye the way)!! Zombies! is a great album that offers a little bit of ballad and dance mixed that will keep you entertained. Some of my favorites off of this one include:

1. All of Your Love - a pop dance beat that makes me move, and sing along. I can bust a move when I want to. ;)

2. Here In Your Arms - Which is the first video off of this album and is currently being played on both Fuse and MTV. It's another good song with a nice pop beat and some techno flavor. Keeping in tune with Forrest's big heart you can totally feel the love. Definitely one of my favorites that is helping keep it locked in my CD player. Watch out cause I sing it spontaneously.

3. All Time Lows - This one makes me shake it up, and try and make my voice do things it really can't do. It's a perfect Southern California for getting your day started.

6. Oh, It Is Love - this one is my favorite on the album. I adore almost each and every word, every strum of the ukulele or guitar, every second of this song makes me smile. If you know love you will melt when this song comes on. It makes you smile till it hurts. It's catchy melody with Forrest's voice will have you seeing floating hearts and sparklers.

10. Touchdown Turnaround - This one is upbeat and techno with the full bubble gum flavor that makes you dance and shake it. One of my favorites that makes me act like I am much younger than I am and realize why all the little teen girls love them so much. Perhaps I am still young at heart.

Now if you love the album then check out their self titled EP which contains some of my all time favorite songs and some very funky pop beats and techno infused pop and a sincere ballad.

Call -n-Return

Shimmy Shimmy Quarter-Turn

Dear Jamie

Bonnie Taylor Shakedown

Jesse Buy Nothing... Go to Prom Anyways

We didn't get to get down close to get the picutes I was hoping for but some of them turned out okay. I could barely see Cute is What We Aim For but got to see the whole show of Reggie incluing the naked guy in suspenders. Hellogoodbye I had to lean this way and that but I got some decent pictures. I hope everyone enjoys. the pictures and gives all of these bands CD's a listen to.

Aftrwards we had planned on going to Buffalo Wild Wings since it is right next door and the nearest one to us here in is Independence and that is not close, but once I saw Jimmy Johns, Alex and I had our hearts set on their sandwiches. I am addicted. It's pretty pathetic really, but they are just soo good. I usually get a Club Lulu or the Beach Club although I do love their Turkey Tom or whatever number 4 is. It is delicious, but then everything there is good. I also had to get a pickle. :D He he. Anyways we made it back by 1am, and everyone was ready for bed. Dustin and I did stay up and watch Jericho though. I figure I will catch up on all my shows tomorrow, on my day off while laying in bed all day. I doubt I will get up to do anything, except to get food, drinks or to pee. I have one hour left and I need to clean up the office so I guess if I ever get up tomorrow I will post about my lazy day or dreams otherwise I will post Saturday while I am tired and bored at work.

Later!

Hellogoodbye!

Tonight's the night! I am so excited! Tonight Dustin and I are going to Lawrence to see Hellogoodbye at the Granada. I am too excited. I caught them at Warped Tour this summer and that was my first chance to catch them live! I have loved them for 2 years now and they are getting so popular and I couldn't be happier for them. I know a lot of people really get resentful when a band they love gets popular but I think that is just silly. Yes there may be some bands that take the fame and let it run to their heads but for all those other bands that don't and are humbled by it, they are the reason I really genuinely wish and hope good things happen to. Take Senses Fail for example. I have met Mike Glita and he is a very smart, and genuine person. He, like the rest of the band, remember and are thankful for their fans. And that has not changed with the fame it has remained constant, and therefore their fans too, will remain faithful and constant supporters.

I am really anxious to get to see Hellogoodbye again. I will definitely be taking my camera with me, in fact I actually need to charge it us and get some of the pictures off. I want it all ready to go for the concert. I am actually hoping to have enough time to possibly run to the salon and get my hair cut because it is driving me mad. The back is too short to straighten but too long to let it just go. It sucks! Anywooo, I am going to get back to work and head to the little girls room!

What A Weekend

How old do you have to be before you start acting like an adult? Dustin and I love our friends, really we do, but it is getting to the point where we can't handle all the bullshit. It's not all of our friends. And I know that even the ones that are giving me this horrible headache don't do it on purpose nessisarily, but come on people. We all have to deal with people in our lives that we may not love, or even like, but that doesn't mean we should be mean cruel people. I mean for the love of God, can't we all just get along. I am so tired of being nice to everyone while they turn around and stab me in the fucking back. I don't need this shit. You don't have to like me to be pleasant to me, just like I don't have to like you to be pleasant to you. It's called being civilized which apparently a lot of people have an issue with. I just think it's bullshit. I had someone talk shit about me, behind my back, and then get other people to join in and then act like I must have a problem or be overreacting because I called them on it and asked what their problem was. Now I didn't start a big fight, or even an arguement, I simply informed them that I know stuff was said and wanted to know from their own mouths what it was, and none of them really admitted exactly what was said. And some simply didn't say a fucking word. Now I didn't beat the shit out of them, or cuss them out, or anything like that. After I got the truth, or a version of it from everyone with the guts to admit it, I let it go. I know who my true friends are. And if you have something to say, say it to my face. We are too old to be acting like middle school children and I have no desire to. I am so tired of this bullshit. I need new friends or something. Because while I love my friends, I just don't want to get into all this bullshit. I will help anyone who asks and listen to anyone who has a problem, but I won't sit around and treat you with respect if you cannot do the same to me and others. Ugh. So basically we spent our weekend contimplating visit our friends. Hell we were even on our way to some of our friends before having to change plans because of one persons child-like attitude. The same person who was talking shit about me.
Now I would think since I basically squashed this incident she would learn from it but instead she got pissed off because she got busted and won't play well with others now. Childish. It's sad and pathetic and I am soo tired of this bullshit.

Is there an age when this behavior stops, when we finally grow out of it? I hope so, because at 26 I just think its a big hassel and I am begining to question the worth of friendships when it just goes on and on and on and on. And again this is not to everyone, just to the people that cannot seem to act their age.

Sorry people. That was quite a rant. But it needed to be said. And I am tired of not being able to hang out and have a good time with people because they are all to busy being nasty to each other. So that was my weekend. We ended up staying home and watching movies and football.

Wednesday is payday! And it's the day Hellogoodbye is playing down at the Granada in Lawrence. I am planning on taking my lovely camera and taking a million pictures and acting like a complete idiot! Woo Hoo! I was hoping my friend Doug would get to make it but it turns out he has class. Which sucks , and I just hope that we can both stop having horrible schedules and actually find time to get together. I haven't seen him since his and Rose's high school prom. It's been forever.

Dustin made it home finally. Well not finally, but he is home. He gets to go do our laundry, and lucky me , I get to stay here at work. Whoopee! Ha! I have been meaning to make some mp3 cd's but I can never seem to find the time to rip all the cd's I want to the computer and its annoying me. I have been listening to 96.5 non-stop for the past few weeks, which is fine but I miss my faovrite songs. I am begging for an Ipod for Christmas, and of course Dustin wants a laptop. I think we need a new computer but he wants a laptop instead. I am kind of torn. I don't want to spend all the money it will take to get the kind of laptop that I want and I think its silly to buy one that isn't that great when we could spend the same amount of money and get a brand new computer that has all the shit we need and want on it for the same price as a half-way good laptop. But we shall see.

Honestly this is the second year in a row that I have fallen behind on my Christmas shopping. I used to be great at it, I could have everything done before November and then have time and money to splurge a little on people. But this year I really dropped the ball and I have no idea what to get anyone. And it sucks. And as far as my Thanksgiving plans, I have no idea what or where I will be. Dustin has to work so he won't be able to come and meet the family yet, so that sucks and he won't get off in time to go down to see the Plaza lighting since we are supposed to go over to his families to decorate the tree and bake some cookies and stuff. I am slightly disappointed but I think we will have lots of fun and I love his family. I just wonder what I will be doing before that and who I will be eating Thanksgiving dinner with or if I should cook one myself. I mean I am planning on cooking dinner anyways, but I thought perhaps I would save it for the next day or possibly Saturday. I guess we shall see. I emailed my uncle Bill and my cousin Madison since they are the two families that usually want to have it at their house.

I need a cigarette. I will write later, actually probably tomorrow since tonight is our shows. Or at least some of them . Heroes and Studios 60. So later people!

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LEAVE ME SOME DAMN COMMENTS!

Saturday

A day off is exactly what the doctor called for. I laid in bed, slept in, watched some crappy girly movies, played my games and just relaxed. I wish I was off again today but, at least I feel rested and renewed.

I got the third books in the Nora Roberts trilogy that I have been reading from my mom yesterday so I can finish that off and then go to Barnes and Noble to pick up some new reading material. I don't have anything specific I want to get so I have a feeling it will be a long trip to the bookstore. But that is just an excuse to get a Chai tea. I love that stuff.

I get paid on Wednesday and I remembered that HelloGoodbye is going to be playing at the Granada that night. I am really hoping to go, Alex wants to go to, I think, and Dustin is off that day so perhaps we shall all go. Hmm Doug is off that day too, I wonder if he would want to go. I think I will send him an invite, I don't think the tickets are over $20-$25 dollars so it shouldn't be too bad. I hope we all get to go. Buffalo Wild Wings! Hmmm. Sorry, I'm drooling.

Ugh. It's only 11:05 . I want the work day to be over so I can go home and watch some movies. I have only had one call so far this morning and I think I will have only one or two more and maybe one visitor. I hate working on days like this. It sucks having Friday off but having to work Saturday and then getting Sunday off. Poop. So I am sitting here updating my blog and thinking about all the things I want to do when I get off work. We are thinking about going to see a movie tonight, but I was hoping Happy Feet was out already and it doesn't come out till next Friday. So I am not really sure what we would see. I need to check the movie listings. Hmm. Let's see. I think we will either end up going to the $2 Theater and seeing Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest or going to see SAW III. I heard Saw is pretty gory even compared to the first one, but that it is really good. I would like to see the Pirates of the Caribbean though. I don't know, I guess either would be fine with me. I actually wouldn't mind staying home and watching the movies that we rented either. I guess I am pretty flexible today.

For now though I think I had better get back to work.

Later people!

A Pity Fest

I want to scream and shout and cry right now. I feel like poop and I am all upset. About what exactly? About everything. About how unfair life is, about how unlucky I am, about the way I am, about the way people treat me, about how I treat others. It's everything. When I read the book my mother got all about Diabetes and I get angry and scared and upset. This isn't how it was supposed to be. Okay, yes I am fat. The poly cystic ovarian syndrome through the years, coupled with being insulin resistant, and my emotional eating habits really did a number on me. I have coped with the hundred pound weight gain. I have slowly coped. And yes I still got upset about stuff but I was proud of who I was, and look at me now. I hate staying in the house but hate going out in public. I love shopping for clothes but hate putting them on, hate buying them only to find I look horrible in them. I hate missing out on my favorite foods, I hate feeling guilty for thinking about eating them. I am tired of feeling like a piece of trash. I am tired of feeling fat and ugly and disgusting. I get in the shower sometimes just to cry and let it all out, because it gets exhausting trying to be okay. I get myself all pumped up to fix things and then one small turn and I am giving up. I need help but get none when I need it the most. I try to remember to take my medicine and eat good solid meals and snacks at regular intervals but it never turns out that way. And what happens if I can never do it? Heart disease, kidney failure, all the health issues my mother and grandmother and father had are just waiting for me, some of them are already killing me as I write. And I am scared and paralyzed by this fear and honestly just wish I could give up. I am really coming to the realization that I am never going to be a mother and its killing me. At 26 I feel like the world is done with me. How pathetic am I? And who am I writing this to, anyways? My family that I know, the one I don't, my friends? Like they can't see how fucked up I am already. I want to see the silver lining, I want to be optimistic and know somehow that ever thing will be alright, but anyone one who knows me, knows, life just isn't that way for me. It's one big mistake after another, and one more bad day to follow the ones before. And I am tired, and scared that I just don't see the worth in it anymore and THAT is frightening.

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Just Another Bad Day

OKay, I am having a bad day. Worst part is that the day isn't over. I haven't taken my medicine today because there is nothing to eat in the house and Dustin is sitting around playing video games again. I am so frustrated right now. I don't understand how someone could be such a jerk and not really care at all. Dustin and I have this reoccuring problem, see when Dustin works nights the day before is hell for me. He will stay up all night, drink, play video games and not come to bed till 5-8 in the morning and will not get up one minute early. So he won't go with me to post notices or get lunch, do dishes, clean the apartment, nothing. I just give up. All I want to do is cry today. All I want to do is get away from here and I can't. I'm going crazy. I have vented on the phone with Samantha for an hour now and I still don't feel any better. I am tired of having the same fight. I am tired of getting upset and then giving in. I am just tired. I hate the feeling that the whole world is against me. I hate the self loathing and self hate but I can't shake it free. I need my journal and a pen, some music and a nice quiet hill outside and away from everyone and instead I am stuck here at work with nothing to do, nothing to eat, and no hope.

I am going to spend way to much money on tickets to a Chiefs game that I am increasingly not sure whether or not I even want to go. I still need to get Christmas presents for everyone and I need to get my gym membership so I can start working these crappy feeling out of myself there. I am just frustrated to no end and I am not handling anything well. I have decided not to take a lunch today because I don't want to see Dustin right now. And of all days, today is his day off, so no matter what I do, he is going to be there. So I guess I will just spend as much time as possible at work. That is sad.

I am hating how warm it is outside. 70's in November is just wrong. Bring on the cool crisp weather that fall is supposed to bring, I am tired of being to warm in a sweatshirt. Fall is my favorite time of year because of all the warm colors and the cool air. The warm scents in the cool breeze. That is what make fall so special. *Sigh* I probably shouldn't be writing today since all I want to do is be miserable. I should close the blinds and hide, and I could if I could. But instead I am sitting here in the office watching the tiny birds fly from bush to bush, and bee's fluttering around in the warmer than normal air, and wish that I could be feeling as bright as it is out there.

Pardon my lack of enthusiams
Excuse me, please
Frustratingly polite as I can possibly be
Smiling while grinding my teeth
I eat shit very exstatically.


I have been thinking about all kinds of things lately. From my deceased relatives to the one still here, my health, my friends and all the stuff that has led me to right where I am. I don't know where the time has gone and how I know I am not really old but I feel like it's almost time to go, I just wish making the most out of life wasn't so hard. I find beauty in all kinds of things, I find it hard to determine what I love most in life because it is all so damned special to me, but for all this love I have I can't find a space in my heart for me. I keep making mistakes and disappointing myself and it keeps getting harder and harder to bounce back from them. I have so many issues I think I should have several full-time therapists but then they can't help me if I can't help myself, and that is what I have the worst time with. So am I doomed? Is there hope for me?

The world may never know.

I am done. I am tired of myself and my mood so I am going to bored myself to death.
Later people!

Another Week

I hate it when the week just drags by. This week I have felt a little yucky , I have been coughing up crap and my stomach has been hurting. It sucks. Thursday Dustin and I went up and had Alex take out picture. They turned out really cute although I would like to have them airbrushed lol. Just kidding, we look happy and that cannot be faked. We even got some Christmas cards to send out to everyone. *yawn* Okay so I am really tired and I think I am getting a cold or the flu or something. Dustin doesn't get off till 4 and that sucks because I am out of cigarettes and I want one really bad.

Dustin and I are hooked on our new game. Marvel Alliance. It kicks ass. We were both off yesterday and had planned on playing it but we caught up on our shows and then went and had dinner with Jenny, Ali, Rachel, and Alex at the Olive Garden. So I have a feeling tonight we are going to be planted in front of the TV playing our game all night. Well at least until Danny gets off. We have been going over there after he gets off and playing Sega Bass Fishing. We are hooked on that game too. It's a lot of fun. I hardly ever have the time to play my games anymore. I am hoping to try and find a good deal on a laptop for Christmas so I can play my Sim games and listen to music off of that while I am at work. If that doesn't pan out I am going to buy myself an Ipod after Christmas because it drives me crazy not being able to listen to my music. Especially since I don't have cable in the office so I have to watch/listen to crappy TV all damn day. It drives me up a freakin' wall.

I am hoping I can get Dustin to hook up the scanner tonight so I can finish making copies of those pictures for Debbie. I have some of them on the computer and I just have to hope she has an email address that I can send them too. I tried sending Linda an email but it came back postmaster.Failure. So I will have to call tomorrow and see if I can't get her address again. For now I thought I would post some pictures and vent.

It's really horrible when you disagree with someone politically when its a parent or similar. Dustin's mother is very religious which is great, I commend her for it. But with that usually means they are very republican. Which is where I find it hard to keep my mouth shut. Now I don't really consider myself aligned with any particular party. I like to go with the person that best fits my views and meshes with my beliefs and stands up for my issues, which is increasingly hard and harder to find. And yes I do tend to lean towards the democratic side, because for my really important views they seems to see eye to eye with me. Now I am not very politically active, and I do not go lout looking to debate. Last night however when dropping off his mothers pictures I almost found myself arguing with her about the Stem Cell Research issue. She thinks it is wrong to clone human embryos to use for stem cell research, but of course she thinks it's wrong that they have been using REAL human embryos as well. Apparently there is no other solution to her other than to stop, because no matter what we are killing human beings. Scientifically, however we are not. We are merely taking cells that create human life and using to cure all these different diseases and helping injured people. Why is that wrong? Personally I feel that if God created us and gave a free will, he wanted to see what we would do with our lives, our dreams, our talents. There are so many horrible things being done and created, why not give life out of a life created. It doesn't make it wrong it makes it special. When we die I don't see people throwing fits about our eyes being donated to the blind! Or our organs saving someone else life. It is one small way we can make a difference. I may one day need help that this research could provide. Maybe my child will one day need it. I can bet you anything in the world these people on their high horses would change their tunes if they needed it, or their child needed it. So I just shook my head at his mother and chose to keep my mouth shut, because in this day and age, a whole lot of bad can come from discussing one's political views. And I would never want to have some falling out with his mother. She is a wonderful woman.

Another thing that really blew my mind the other day was these android things. Freaky! I feel like the end of the world is coming. Apparently in Japan, they have made several different types of robots that act like humans. To a degree at this point of course. A traffic robot, one in a university and a few others. They have the emotional range of happy, sad, surprise, fear, anger, and revulsion, and are designed to speak Japanese, English, Korean and Chinese and to reply to 500 questions with a pre-programmed menu of 1,000 responses. Somehow they claim that growing up with the anime cartoons and movies has help their culture and that they are really advancing with their robotics in order to create more realistic androids, and enjoy interacting with them. I think that perhaps in their culture, they are taught to be pretty emotionless and that has a lot to do with why they would enjoy interacting with a droid. No worry of hurting a droids feelings, or making it mad, no reason to treat them nicely. They can be cold and emotionless without feeling guilty. The very thought creeps me out. I am seriously disturbed by the fact we are now creating droids to take the place of people. I mean, my god aren't there enough people out there without jobs without some droid being designed to take over more. It's sad and its creepy but if you would like to read more about it you can, here :

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14270827/site/newsweek/from/ET/

I am afraid that is all for now. I will chat back later. Most likely tomorrow or Monday.

Time Warp

So I feel like I have reverted back to being 9 years old again. Okay maybe not nine but I have reverted back to when I had not moved through all the issues I have had to deal with over the years. I can't explain how exciting and nerve racking it was to see everyone. I am so excited I got to meet my cousins Christa and Denny for the first time ever. I know my dad is smiling like crazy up there because I got to see Linda and everyone again. My mother was so excited to see Barb and Linda again. It's so amazing how different and yet so much the same everyone is. I was so happy to see Debbie and hear about her kids, because I remember being so excited to be a step aunt when I was younger. I was so glad to get to talk to her again and it meant a lot to me.

But I feel strange. I am angry with my grandmother for lying and telling me that she told everyone that I physically hurt her and that everyone knew what I did and how horrible I was, and now I find out after all these years of thinking everyone hated me and it wasn't true. I lost so many years with my family and it hurts. All those issues it took me so long to deal with and now they are all spring right back up in my face. It's hard. I haven't cried so much in years. It feels like I am right back where I was before. And I am trying so hard to focus on the good and be the person that I am today and not revert back to the insecure, scared person I was before but it is a constant battle. I am crying at the drop of a hat. I can't sit through a meal, I can't think about the past without breaking into a sob fest. I just don't feel like me anymore. I had gone so many years with a missing piece and I learned to deal with the hole. And it hurts now to have to rip open that wound, even if it is to heal it.

I don't want anyone to misunderstand me, or my feelings, because I would not wish this away. I would not ever give this up because I missed everyone more that they will ever know. I just wish it wasn't so hard. I wish there wasn't animosity or unsettling feelings floating around everywhere. For whatever it is worth, I let my anger go. I forgive grandma, and my dad, and my mother, and my family and myself because if there is ever going to be love there has to be forgiveness. We all paid our due. I may not be religious but I think God will answer all questions and finish all arguments. All I can be is open, and hope I get that in return. I have no secrets to hide. I am awaiting an email that will hopefully help straighten out any questions, or concerns. I was raw yesterday and I think I mistook a statement to mean more than it was meant to and I am waiting to find out if I did mistake it or not. I hate waiting. lol I just want to focus on the good things in life, like reuniting with my family. I want to know how their life has been. I want them to know that while I could not be there before I will be now. After everything I have been through I just want to cherish every moment. And this is a good time even if it does deal with bad ones from the past, I am trying to focus all my energy on the good. And I will.

My mom is having a hard time too. Just with missing dad so much. I am so proud of her and everything she has done. I know dad is behind her every step of the way, I just wish he could actually be here for her because she need him so much. I am getting all worked up again and I need to get some stuff done here at work.

Samantha, call me! Sorry I missed your call last night. I have had a hard weekend and I slept it off. I love you and kiss Bella for me.

Fate

I have always been a big believer in fate. Strange things happen all the time, and I believe that things happen for a reason. Even bad things. My grandmother on my father's side, Myrtle Davis, passed away Tuesday. I found this out this morning when I came into work and decided to check my My Space page. I had several new messages and a new friend request. I looked at the friend request and I knew who it was immediately. My cousin Breena.

Now let me give all my friends some history on my family because while everyone knows my mothers side of the family, this side belongs to my father. Most of you know only the basics about my dad. I was 9 when he had a fatal heart attack and passed away. I have poems of all sorts about that period in my life because it was a hard one. One that has made my mother and I closer and closer over the years. My father had 12 heart attacks before the last one that finally took him. He had heart disease, high blood pressure and high cholesterol, he also had a bad back. As I got older I realised he also had other problems but then there are a lot of things you don't see as a kid, or don't realize. He was a wonderful father. I miss him everyday and I wish like hell that I could have known him better and I am jealous as hell of the people that did. He was married and had 2 kids, Debbie and Mike before he divorced and then met and married my mother. So I have a step sister and some nieces and nephews, and a step brother (who might now have kids as well).

My father had 2 sisters and a brother. Breena was my cousin and she is the one who found me on My Space. Breena and I were close when I was growing up, we were close in age so we fit perfectly. We would stay the night at grandma's house and we would stay up all night playing pong and all sorts of weird games. My grandmother was eccentric, to say the least. I have never understood her, and never claimed to. Breena was why I went to grandma's. She was my favorite person in the whole world back then. And no matter how much we did or didn't like grandma, that is why we went. When my dad passed away everything went grey.

I remember people arguing at his funeral, fighting, things in chaos and my mother crying. It seemed like everyone just wanted a piece of everything. Things got rough, we went on food stamps and my mother was working like crazy, she was getting migraine headaches that would put her in the hospital and everything was hard. I know things were okay with the family for a while but then it seemed as if things just started to change. Now I was young but I can distinctly remember my grandmother calling every year on Earth Day, the day my father died and wanting to go out and celebrate. I never understood this and for a while it just made me angry with her. Now that I am older I can only hope it was her weird way of celebrating his life and not his death as she made it sound. She was not always in her right mind I think. Because I can remember after all those heart attacks my father had to endure the last on that killed him she said "well at least we know he wasn't faking it". I have never understood her, where and why she would think , let alone say something like that out loud after her son just died. Basically after too many times of hateful words spoken I realised I wanted nothing to do with her.

When I was 15, after many years of struggling and food stamps and taxes on the house the we couldn't afford and everything falling apart, I had to call my mothers best friend to take her to the hospital because my mother couldn't get out of bed because her headaches was so bad. Turns out she had high blood pressure brought on my the medicine they had given her to try and stop the headaches and she was very ill. The day after my mother finally got to come home my grandmother, Myrtle called the house for the hundredth time regarding the taxes, my mother was not to get out of bed so I told her she could not come to the phone and she got very angry with me. I told her to leave us alone my mother is sick and she kept on and kept on calling and then the next day while my mother was at her doctors appointment, my grandmother showed up banging on the door. She yelled at me and told me to get my mother. And I told her she was not at home. She pushed her way in and looked around the living room and of course my mother was not there. I told her she had been in the hospital and that she could not deal with the stress and she screamed at me and told me I was a liar and my mother was a liar and that she didn't want to lose the house because we couldn't pay the taxes and she yelled and screamed until I finally lost it. I had never yelled at an adult, let alone my grandmother but I couldn't stand there and let her bad mouth me and my mother and my family like that. So I told her to get the hell out, that my mother was very ill and she didn't need her in her face so to get out and never come back. I was balling and screaming and I was scared to death. Ask me if I regret it? I wish I could say no, but I don't. She was hateful and evil that day and she brought it on herself. After that, I can remember telling my mother what I had done and crying, saying how sorry I was and everything else. I know my mother talked to her several times after that, my grandmother said I was horrible to her and hit her, which was not true. She told my mother all kinds of horrible things that never happened. And now she is gone.

I am not sorry about the relationship I don't / never had with her. But I am sorry I missed out on the rest of the family. I loved Linda so much. She was like an idol to me for so long when I was younger. She made me want to learn to draw and sculpt and write. I think a big part of me when to Paseo because of her, and she had never known that. I am not even sure she would want to know. I am so happy that I have a chance to reconnect with this family that I have missed so many years with, I only hope that they feel the same way. I am nervous. I can't deny that. So many lies were said and I can only imagine how over the years things got worse. I hope that isn't so. But even if it is, my mother and I are going to go reunite with them and I am so excited to see Breena and everyone. I can't believe after all these years of wondering, fate stepped in.

A Tuesday Night

So I am 26. I still don't feel 26, not the way I felt 25. I guess there are some years you feel more than other. Fear more than other. I wonder if 27 will be that way for me. I mean in all honesty these past few years have flown by. I am going to be 26 and divorced. I worried about the way it sounded in my head before but now I am actually seeing it through rose-colored glasses. Come what may. And no I haven't been watching Moulin Rouge. I guess I am just having a good day. Ha!


You know I realized today that I did something bad, I completely spaced my anniversary. Can you believe that? I don't know if that shows progress or if that just proves what a horrible person I am. There is nothing I can do about it. I mean I did remember his birthday and even called him to wish him a great birthday. But now it occurs to me why he was so surprised that I did call him seeing that I missed our anniversary. But we are both with other people so it would be pretentious for me to call and say Happy Anniversary. But I still feel mean that I forgot. It's different to just not call than to not remember. But hey, maybe he forgot to! Then I wouldn't be horrible, it would just mean we have moved on with our lives.


Okay so on with chipper things. So I am wanting to buy a new camera. I am hoping to get one around Thanksgiving, which is actually really really close. Fuck! I hate it when shit sneaks up on me. I don't handle shit like this well. Damn it all to hell. I wanted to have everyone over for a pre-Thanksgiving dinner and that is going to be hard to pull off in such a short time. I better start planning. And seeing what others think of the idea. Jenny! I need to talk to Jenny because as much as I wish I had the room to do it here there is just no way. Fuck! Damn it time sucks, when we want to savor it or need more of it it flies by but when we are waiting for it to pass it is slower than molasses. Damn it. Well I have a lot of planning to do and not much time to pull it off. That means people will have to bring a dish with them. I will have to see who would like to help also. Hmm I guess we shall see.



Well I need a notebook and some time to write and search some stuff, so I guess my catch up session is over. Poop!

Later!

Calling All Cars - Senses Fail

Senses Fail - "Calling All Cars">

That's what friends are for?

You know, I am not perfect. I don't expect people to be saints, because I am not one either. I have more than likely thought something hateful about everyone. Maybe out of jealousy, maybe out of spite, perhaps out of anger. So do I expect people to always be nice and say nice things? No. But now ask me if I expect my own good friends to talk about me and say what a pig I am? No. Sorry I don't. In my group of friends we all have our share of issues. I love that about us. In all our weird ways, we find was to relate. I love all my friends for different reasons. And yes we all get angry or annoyed with each other for one reason or another. But I know that in a day or so I am over it and its no big deal. I hope this is just one of those things but now I am sitting here trying really hard not to cry. I share my life with people. I talk about my problems and want to hear about everyone else's. I care about everyone. I care about their lives, and their dreams. I care about their feelings. Last night a group of us got together for dinner and watched Project Runway over at Jenny and Wind's. I honestly had a great time, we laughed and played with the babies. But there was tension and I tried my best to disperse and distract. I tried to smooth things over and keep everything light. I joked and kidded around. And I did feel weird and strained from all the tension. But I managed to have a good time. Then I find out that someone was talking about me behind my back. And in that process that someone else had to have been talking about me as well. Basically I am a fat cow and I eat too much. First of all, when and what I eat is no one else's business but mine. And I don't go out to eat often enough with anyone for anyone to have anything to say about it. I don't deny I eat. I don't hide it. And for someone to make me feel insecure about it really upsets me. I know that people have said it and there is no denying it. So where do I go from here? I question myself if I continue to be friends with them then any pain I get from them being backstabbing and mean I feel like I would have brought on myself. But I am not they type of person to then hate them from here on out. I don't know why it must have made them feel better to diss me but I think it's pathetic and mean. Part of me wants to me mean back and just tell them all the horrible things I have ever thought about them because they seem to have no concern for my feelings so why should I care for theirs. But that is not me. I don't want to be that person. And so now I am left questioning what friendship really is. I remember what friendship was once. Rose and I growing up, knowing each other inside and out. Finishing each others sentences. Knowing each others secrets, and dreams. And yes you fight and you argue but you do it out of love and you both know that. You don't sit around talking about what they are wearing or how skinny or fat they are. Of what their hair looks like. Just looking for flaws. Friends see flaws but they look right past them. They help flaws fade away not highlight them and rub them in your face. I don't know if I have friends like that anymore. Maybe the older you get the more superficial your friends become. But I could sure use a hug from a real friend right now because with all the crap I have been going through with my diabetes and PCOS and having children someday, all I need is another insecurity. I am upset and hurt and I have to be the better person when all I want to do is cry.

Two Days and Counting

I haven't posted in a while. Things have been hectic with everything going on. The doctor had me taking too much medicine and my blood sugar got really low and I went hyperglycemic and was sick ass a dog for a few days. Now I am on a much smaller dose and doing good. I am getting heartburn and headaches though now. But I am doing better. I have only 2 days left till my birthday which is on Friday the 13th this year. We aren't doing anything too crazy. We are going to have Jimmy Johns for lunch, have dinner with Dustin's mom, and then go see the Grudge 2. We did decide to have a Karaoke and Cocktails party on Saturday though. It should be fun. Something simple that wont cost too much money. Then on Sunday we are going to go out to the Renaissance Festival and get some Buffalo Wild Wings on our way home. I love my birthday!

For now I am going to get back to work. I have a huge headache and all I want to do it go lay down!

A Whole New World

What would you do if your would changed in a matter of minutes? A matter of seconds? What about in the matter of 30 days? I had my doctors visit yesterday morning at 10:15am. So what is wrong with me? Everything. Apparently I now have diabetes. I shouldn't be surprised, considering my family's history but everyone else got it in their 40's, but not me. Nope. At 25 ( 2 weeks away from 26) I have diabetes. I add that to the list of all the other things wrong with me. You might as well say I have heart disease already too, because I was already predisposed to have it and now I am guaranteed to get it. So yippee. I realize I should be very grateful that we caught this so early. Not many are so lucky. Like my mom for instance. But all I can think is how I just put another nail in my coffin. I want to break down and scream. I want to cry and curl up into a little ball. I want to yell about how unfair it is. I want to give up. More than anything I just want to give up. After all the crap I have had to go through over the poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and now I have this to contend with. For the rest of my life I will be battling medical bills and doctors for the rest of my life, not to mention insurance companies. It's just keeps getting worse.
I want kids damn it. I want to be a mom. In all my life I have never wanted anything more that to be a mother. And everyday it seems like it gets harder and harder to even imagine ever being able to be pregnant and have a baby. I pry with every cell and fiber of my being that God gives me the ability and the strength to make that dream a reality.

I know I just found out yesterday and maybe I should be more optimistic. And honestly I am trying but it's hard. I found it hard to go out last night and have a good time. I found it hard to get up, hard to want anything. Right now I am lost and scared and I don't know how to do this. I don't know where to begin. I am not refusing to change, in fact I am hopeful and ready to jump into finding my way through this. I am willing to do whatever I need to do in order to get healthy and give me a chance to make my dream come true. I just don't have the optimistic perspective to believe anything I do will ever make a difference. I need help. I need light and focus and money. I need to be someone else. I need to go cry my heart out.

It's Hump Day!

Wednesday!

OKay so yesterday I watched Gilmore Girls and was astonished that Luke and Lorelia are not together anymore. Luke was wrong to keep her out of his life with his daughter and I think he was pushing and pushing her way until finally she gave up but he loves her. She never told him how angery it made her and how much it upset her so to him she just blew up on him without warning. It's partly her fault for pretending that she was okay with the situation when she obviously wasn't. And I cannot believe she jumped into bed with Christopher!! And Logan is sending mixed signals to Rory which annoyes me since I have been on the fence with him since he said he loved her. Guys think they can have whatever they want, the whole getting their cake and eatting it too, would apply if I got whatever it means. I saw the preview for next week and I cannot believe Luke is so cold to Lorelai, I mean come on! What she did was wrong but at least she told him. She knew it was a mistake and that has to count for something. Of course in the preview I also saw her kissing Christopher so ...

Tonight One Tree Hill comes back on and I am very excited about it. I am recording it or whatever you call it on cable since tonight I am going to go get Samantha and Bella and we are going to hang out and watch movies and stuff. I need to go get ice and some snack food though because we have nothing in the house. I spent my entire lunch picking up the apartment and vaccuming. The dishes aren't done though so I am going to hide them in the office! lol It's sad I know. But I don't care. I also need to take the trash out. I also need to fix my hair. Grrr. It's already 2pm and I have so much crap to do and not enough time to do it.

Dustin and I finally got all caught up on bills. It's nice that we only fall one month behind and not 2-3 but I hate being behind on anything because it screws everything else up. But we are straightened out now and it's not even the end of the month yet! I think for my birthday he is going to get me the kareako machine that I want. I think that Saturday we will have everyone over, drinks, dessert and such and singing. Sounds good to me. A cocktail party maybe. Hmmm...
uh oh! Now I have to run so I can look up some party ideas. He he he! I am such a party planning nut!

Regrets and Closer

Why do we hold on to things and relationship that hurt us so bad in the past? I want everyone reading this to know I am not necessarily talking about myself although I know I have done it and continue to do it. There are things I have done that I would never want to repeat and while I can replay those images like a movie in my mind, quite honestly I do try and forget. Not to save my conscience, cuz that would be impossible to do, but to keep my heart glued together, it's the only way I know how to make it through. Do I regret? Of course. Would I take any of it back? Maybe. But then I might not be the same person I am today. To all the guys I have loved and cried over, I feel like no matter where I am, I am with you. It's the truth, I hate none of my ex's, though some deserve whatever fate deemed. I won't carry the baggage of the pain they gave me. Just the lesson that they taught me and the lesson I learned. I had a friend, I am keep out names for a reason, call me today because he/she got an email from an ex that left them with an unresolved issue. Love I believe never really dies, never really fades. It is always their with you but in a less obvious way. I can't say I haven't been lied, cheated, hurt, beaten, raped or tortured by love. I have been many places I never want to go again in the name of anything including love. I paid my dues. I created hells of my own. I lied, I cheated, I hurt, and I tortured people I loved. But I learned that regret can tear you up, and leave you hollow. It can make you hate yourself for things you would never normally believe. Try as we might, we cannot get into other peoples heads, we can't make them tell us how they really feel, or make them say what we want them to say. But as my friend figured out, after some time, they just might open up and let you know how they really feel.

I have to say, I know Dustin and I have had our problems. Relationships are never easy and with all the baggage the two of us have together it makes it even more difficult. We have our share of arguments, but I have to say, we know how to talk to each other when we are upset, hurt, or mad. We forgive each other and we work hard to talk our issues out. Dustin and I aren't perfect. I let things he does irritate me and then I get pissy with him, and he doesn't know how to help me and sometimes he doesn't understand, but we work around those problems. And we make that effort because we love each other. And I greatly appreciate all the many ways he does help, listen, talk and care about me. But we still have problems, its just a matter of being willing to work them out and not blame them on one another.

After talking to my friend, I realize how good I have it. And no matter what may happen in the future, I know we will meet our problems together and that just might make all the difference in the world.

Feeling a pull

Today I feel anxious. It's like something is pulling at me from within. I can't quite put my finger on it. The rain is putitng me in a introspective mood. I had to bring out the Shins and Aqualung early this morning, I had my candles lit at 10am to bring in all the fall scents that warm my soul. Nothing seems to cut it though, it just isn't enough. I am wanting hot cocoa, coffee and tea and I can not quench this thrist. I put in Brand New a little bit ago and still I am wanting more. I have a little over an hour left till I get to call it quits for the day and it seems like forever. The week went by really quickly and usually that puts me in a good mood but today I aching like I have a fever but can not figuer out what it is I need.

So what do you do on days like this?

I write a little. Nothing good. Nothing important or anything, really.


She's beneath, me
Regretful and scorned
She completes, me.
Yet leaves me battered and torn
Her banter can bore me
But it soothes my soul
Her hate fuels my desires,
She's the salt in my tears,
The sting in the pain.
Without her I appreciate nothing
In this world so cold and mean.
She ties together my life
One web of lies at a time.
only she can build or break me
She's the girl I dream to be.
She pushes and pushes me
till it hurts to bad to breath.
She hates all I am and all I stand for
and yet she is me.

I write and I read my book. I sip cocoa and I wait for work to end. Tomorrow I will spend the morning lost in the sheets, with the blanket over my head.





Last night Dustin, Alex, Margie and I got together and watched America's Next Top Model and turned my studio into a karoke bar. We sang songs we really shouldn't sing, I found I can sometimes sound decent. Imagine that. We had a great time just being goobers, which is all I ever want to be. And I decided what I want for my birthday is a Karoke machine. I plan on having a fabu time that Saturday after my birthday belting out tunes with all my close friends. Is there a better birthday .... last years 80's party was pretty fly.... but this will be hella cool too!

Tonight we are going to head over to Jenny and Wind's to watch Grey's Anatomy and ER. I can't believe it's time for them to begin already. *I DO MY FALL DANCE* Give me leaves that can paint the sky, give me the chill inthe air and pumpkin pie. If I ever get married again it will be in fall, under the cool autumn sky. *sign*


Tomorrow is Friday and I love my days off. I will hop on tomorrow sometime and catch up with everyone.

Have a great Thursday!

Another Week of Waiting

The pain has been coming and going although now it is on both sides. The doctors office called yesterday and said that the ultrasound was fine but that my blood work was what they were worried about. I am hopeing it is my triglycerides and nothing really serious. I panic easily about stuff like this and so now I am all worried and my next appointment isn't till next Friday. It was supposed to be October 6th but they bumped it up. I wonder what that means.

I have a huge headache today and there is a leak in my bathroom ceiling right over my toilet. You have to wear a rain hat to pee. Nice. I doubt they will make it out today to fix it but Dustin adn I have been cleaning up so they can make it in the door. It's good enough right now but I would like it to be vaccumed before they come in. I should probably go ahead and email the work order. Hold please.

*Insert cheesy elevator music here*

Alright. I hope they cna get to it soon because I really dislike holding a pot over my head while peeing. :S

I think I am going to plan my Thanksgiving meal while I am on here today. In fact I will write back some other time. I want to get some ideas on paper .

Oh Doctor Doctor!

Life is so annoying sometimes. I am a fat gurl. I know it, my friends know it, my doctor knows it. And I am trying to do something about it. I admit fully that I do not commit well to dietary changes or medications, or exercise for that matter. But I continue to try. At this moment I do not have the money to get my gym membership though I have tried many many times, I just can't hang on to the money long enough. And medicine is the same way. I am planning on getting my ass to the gym in October though. I have made myself that birthday promise. So it will happen, as well as getting straight with my medications. I will do it starting Oct. 1st.

I had a horrible day off, my mother had to take me to my Dr. appointment that turned out to be a whole day affair and I didn't get to eat until after 6pm, and I spent all day drinking liquids and trying not to pee. I got poked and stabbed and it took all my energy so I didn't get to do a whole lot of anything the whole damn weekend. Poopy.


I will say that Saturday was better and I had lots of fun with my mom for her birthday. I got off work early and we went up to Zona Rosa and walked around their art fair. I bought a blown glass ring that is goregous. We also walked around Barnes and Nobel, bought some books and had Bo Ling's for lunch before heading up to Salon Oasis for her day of relaxation. She got a massage and a facial, and then we both got a pedicure together, before going to Michael's and then to Chili's for dinner. We had a good time and I think she was happy to get out and about. I do worry about her though because her legs kept giving out. I wish she would go to the Dr. and get checked out. She too is having the pains in her ovaries/abdomen. NOT GOOD!

Sunday I spent in bed watching the football games that were on and some cooking shows. I didn't feel well. Once Dustin got off work we watched some more tv and I took a shower, hoping it would make me feel better. We ended up going to bed at 10:45pm which is really early for us. Sad part is I am still tired. :P Dustin called earlier and I guess he is still tired too. We must have gotten too much sleep.

We missed everyone this weekend so I think we will have to go out and see Jenny and Wind, Ali, and Alex and just catch up with everyone. I hatethe way I just lose touch and time with eveyone when I don't feel well. Ugh. I did get a new book this weekend and finished the other one. Both Nora Roberts. Morrigan's Cross is the one I just finished and it is pretty good considering it is a new genre for her. It has to do with vampires and witches, it's book one in a trilogy. I like it. I need to give it to my mom so she can read it now. I just hate waiting for the next books in the trilogies to come out. But now I have one to tide me over till the 3rd of October, which is when I think the next book comes out.

September is here.

Wow it's the 7th already. Time flies. The other day I was out enjoying the lovely weather when I caught a breeze and all I could do was think of fall. It's funny how there is a distinct difference in a spring and a fall breeze. And while I love spring and all its flowering glory, nothing quite compares to fall. There is something magial about it and I would not trade it for any other season. I just wish it lasted longer. With fall comes apple cider, changing leaves, the Renaissance Festival, my birthday, October Fest, Halloween, Thanksgiving, turkey, stew, football, chili, all those wonderful things and a million more. I love it and I am soo excited that its back.

Here are some of the pictures that I took with Alex this past weekend. We are getting all to excited for fall and all the cool pictures that we will get to take. Alex is going to be really busy with work so hopefully we will be able to find some time to get away and see all the fun and amazing fall sites.

I am soo ready for this weekend. I don't have to work tomorrow and I have decided not to worry about it. My mother's birthday is coming up quickly and I am excited. I have decided to take her to Oasis Spa and get her a massage, a facial and a manicure. I think she will enjoy it. She needs some pampering. I am treating myself to a pedicure as well. I haven't ever really had one professionally done so I hope I don't freak or get hurt. I can admit I am slightly worried and excited.

I am getting the office prepared for Sara. It's stupid that I should have to leave millions upon millions of post-it notes and letters all over everything just to make sure it's taken care of. I have to leave very detailed instructions on how to do everything. Geez. I would like to donate her a dollar to buy her a clue.

Tonight Dustin and I are going to clean house. Woo hoo. I am going to cook dinner tonight though and we are both excited about that. He loves my cooking. I constanly amaze him. Which is nice. I hate to run on and on about our relationship but I have learned a lot from this relationship. When everything started out it was new and sweet and we were smoochy cute and affectionate and while I know that has wained over the past 2 years we still love the smoochy cute stuff. HE can irritate me and make me mad and I can be too overwhelming for him sometimes but overall we mesh incredibly well. We are such good friends and that amazes me. We play videogames together and we wrestle and we talk. We watch each others crappy movies, reluctantly on both parts but we give in because the other always gives in too. He makes me appreciate all the little things. He makes me laugh and he is such a goober, just like me. I love him a lot more than I ever imagined. And I like that.

Well it's after 5pm and I am off work so I need to get the hell outta here.

Later!

Labor Day Weekend

I wish I could say that my weekend started off great but honestly it didn't. Thursday was fun, it started off with Margie and I heading out to do a little shopping at Torrid and Lane Bryant where I found quite a bit of stuff on clearance, then from there we went to the bar and hung out with Alex, Amanda and Molly while the boys stayed home and got drunk. Well shitty drunk. By the time I got back to the house Dustin was so drunk he couldn't see straight and proceeded to annoy the ever loving crap out of me. I have to say I am happy he hardly ever does that because I sooo do not like him when he is like that. That led into Friday when the IDIOT SARA came in and then left at 3pm. I wonder how she gets such great hours when we are actually open till 5pm? Hmm. Anyways so I then had to come in and post payments Friday afternoon and deal with all that bullshit. We didn't get to do a whole lot on Friday either because Dustin was so hung over. Then Saturday I worked and Dustin worked the night shift so again I hardly saw him. Grrr. Sunday though Alex and I went out and took lots of pictures and I will post some of them soon. After that the boys sat around and watched the UFC PPV while Alex, Wheat and I went down to TOOTSIES for beer bust. It was tons of fun. We drank, danced, and had a few laughs. All in all it was good times. Wheat had a drunken injury, she danced until she about passed out and then when we tried to leave she fell and hurt her leg going up a big step. She survived. Andrew , winds cousin, came into town Saturday and stuck around till Jenny made it back. There was a nice fiasco Sunday night while we were on our way back from the bar Andrew and Wind broke the kitchen window. Wind almost fell out a window. DUMBASS! No harm no fowls since when Jenny got home they talked it over and will be getting it fixed soon. Alex and I missed Jenny and Ali like crazy. We spend an hour walking around in Target and the Disney store looking at all the cute fall clothes and costumes for babies. We missed her. Little cutie. So we are very glad to have them back. Alex and I love spending time on the weekends with her and Ali and since this one was a longer than usual one, it really seemed like forever since we saw them. Well so that was my weekend. Very eventful. I am glad this week is a shorter one. I am ready for a day off again and its only Tuesday. lol

Hooray for 3 day weeks!
There need to be a whole lot more of them!