A Whole New World

What would you do if your would changed in a matter of minutes? A matter of seconds? What about in the matter of 30 days? I had my doctors visit yesterday morning at 10:15am. So what is wrong with me? Everything. Apparently I now have diabetes. I shouldn't be surprised, considering my family's history but everyone else got it in their 40's, but not me. Nope. At 25 ( 2 weeks away from 26) I have diabetes. I add that to the list of all the other things wrong with me. You might as well say I have heart disease already too, because I was already predisposed to have it and now I am guaranteed to get it. So yippee. I realize I should be very grateful that we caught this so early. Not many are so lucky. Like my mom for instance. But all I can think is how I just put another nail in my coffin. I want to break down and scream. I want to cry and curl up into a little ball. I want to yell about how unfair it is. I want to give up. More than anything I just want to give up. After all the crap I have had to go through over the poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and now I have this to contend with. For the rest of my life I will be battling medical bills and doctors for the rest of my life, not to mention insurance companies. It's just keeps getting worse.
I want kids damn it. I want to be a mom. In all my life I have never wanted anything more that to be a mother. And everyday it seems like it gets harder and harder to even imagine ever being able to be pregnant and have a baby. I pry with every cell and fiber of my being that God gives me the ability and the strength to make that dream a reality.

I know I just found out yesterday and maybe I should be more optimistic. And honestly I am trying but it's hard. I found it hard to go out last night and have a good time. I found it hard to get up, hard to want anything. Right now I am lost and scared and I don't know how to do this. I don't know where to begin. I am not refusing to change, in fact I am hopeful and ready to jump into finding my way through this. I am willing to do whatever I need to do in order to get healthy and give me a chance to make my dream come true. I just don't have the optimistic perspective to believe anything I do will ever make a difference. I need help. I need light and focus and money. I need to be someone else. I need to go cry my heart out.

It's Hump Day!

Wednesday!

OKay so yesterday I watched Gilmore Girls and was astonished that Luke and Lorelia are not together anymore. Luke was wrong to keep her out of his life with his daughter and I think he was pushing and pushing her way until finally she gave up but he loves her. She never told him how angery it made her and how much it upset her so to him she just blew up on him without warning. It's partly her fault for pretending that she was okay with the situation when she obviously wasn't. And I cannot believe she jumped into bed with Christopher!! And Logan is sending mixed signals to Rory which annoyes me since I have been on the fence with him since he said he loved her. Guys think they can have whatever they want, the whole getting their cake and eatting it too, would apply if I got whatever it means. I saw the preview for next week and I cannot believe Luke is so cold to Lorelai, I mean come on! What she did was wrong but at least she told him. She knew it was a mistake and that has to count for something. Of course in the preview I also saw her kissing Christopher so ...

Tonight One Tree Hill comes back on and I am very excited about it. I am recording it or whatever you call it on cable since tonight I am going to go get Samantha and Bella and we are going to hang out and watch movies and stuff. I need to go get ice and some snack food though because we have nothing in the house. I spent my entire lunch picking up the apartment and vaccuming. The dishes aren't done though so I am going to hide them in the office! lol It's sad I know. But I don't care. I also need to take the trash out. I also need to fix my hair. Grrr. It's already 2pm and I have so much crap to do and not enough time to do it.

Dustin and I finally got all caught up on bills. It's nice that we only fall one month behind and not 2-3 but I hate being behind on anything because it screws everything else up. But we are straightened out now and it's not even the end of the month yet! I think for my birthday he is going to get me the kareako machine that I want. I think that Saturday we will have everyone over, drinks, dessert and such and singing. Sounds good to me. A cocktail party maybe. Hmmm...
uh oh! Now I have to run so I can look up some party ideas. He he he! I am such a party planning nut!

Regrets and Closer

Why do we hold on to things and relationship that hurt us so bad in the past? I want everyone reading this to know I am not necessarily talking about myself although I know I have done it and continue to do it. There are things I have done that I would never want to repeat and while I can replay those images like a movie in my mind, quite honestly I do try and forget. Not to save my conscience, cuz that would be impossible to do, but to keep my heart glued together, it's the only way I know how to make it through. Do I regret? Of course. Would I take any of it back? Maybe. But then I might not be the same person I am today. To all the guys I have loved and cried over, I feel like no matter where I am, I am with you. It's the truth, I hate none of my ex's, though some deserve whatever fate deemed. I won't carry the baggage of the pain they gave me. Just the lesson that they taught me and the lesson I learned. I had a friend, I am keep out names for a reason, call me today because he/she got an email from an ex that left them with an unresolved issue. Love I believe never really dies, never really fades. It is always their with you but in a less obvious way. I can't say I haven't been lied, cheated, hurt, beaten, raped or tortured by love. I have been many places I never want to go again in the name of anything including love. I paid my dues. I created hells of my own. I lied, I cheated, I hurt, and I tortured people I loved. But I learned that regret can tear you up, and leave you hollow. It can make you hate yourself for things you would never normally believe. Try as we might, we cannot get into other peoples heads, we can't make them tell us how they really feel, or make them say what we want them to say. But as my friend figured out, after some time, they just might open up and let you know how they really feel.

I have to say, I know Dustin and I have had our problems. Relationships are never easy and with all the baggage the two of us have together it makes it even more difficult. We have our share of arguments, but I have to say, we know how to talk to each other when we are upset, hurt, or mad. We forgive each other and we work hard to talk our issues out. Dustin and I aren't perfect. I let things he does irritate me and then I get pissy with him, and he doesn't know how to help me and sometimes he doesn't understand, but we work around those problems. And we make that effort because we love each other. And I greatly appreciate all the many ways he does help, listen, talk and care about me. But we still have problems, its just a matter of being willing to work them out and not blame them on one another.

After talking to my friend, I realize how good I have it. And no matter what may happen in the future, I know we will meet our problems together and that just might make all the difference in the world.

Feeling a pull

Today I feel anxious. It's like something is pulling at me from within. I can't quite put my finger on it. The rain is putitng me in a introspective mood. I had to bring out the Shins and Aqualung early this morning, I had my candles lit at 10am to bring in all the fall scents that warm my soul. Nothing seems to cut it though, it just isn't enough. I am wanting hot cocoa, coffee and tea and I can not quench this thrist. I put in Brand New a little bit ago and still I am wanting more. I have a little over an hour left till I get to call it quits for the day and it seems like forever. The week went by really quickly and usually that puts me in a good mood but today I aching like I have a fever but can not figuer out what it is I need.

So what do you do on days like this?

I write a little. Nothing good. Nothing important or anything, really.


She's beneath, me
Regretful and scorned
She completes, me.
Yet leaves me battered and torn
Her banter can bore me
But it soothes my soul
Her hate fuels my desires,
She's the salt in my tears,
The sting in the pain.
Without her I appreciate nothing
In this world so cold and mean.
She ties together my life
One web of lies at a time.
only she can build or break me
She's the girl I dream to be.
She pushes and pushes me
till it hurts to bad to breath.
She hates all I am and all I stand for
and yet she is me.

I write and I read my book. I sip cocoa and I wait for work to end. Tomorrow I will spend the morning lost in the sheets, with the blanket over my head.





Last night Dustin, Alex, Margie and I got together and watched America's Next Top Model and turned my studio into a karoke bar. We sang songs we really shouldn't sing, I found I can sometimes sound decent. Imagine that. We had a great time just being goobers, which is all I ever want to be. And I decided what I want for my birthday is a Karoke machine. I plan on having a fabu time that Saturday after my birthday belting out tunes with all my close friends. Is there a better birthday .... last years 80's party was pretty fly.... but this will be hella cool too!

Tonight we are going to head over to Jenny and Wind's to watch Grey's Anatomy and ER. I can't believe it's time for them to begin already. *I DO MY FALL DANCE* Give me leaves that can paint the sky, give me the chill inthe air and pumpkin pie. If I ever get married again it will be in fall, under the cool autumn sky. *sign*


Tomorrow is Friday and I love my days off. I will hop on tomorrow sometime and catch up with everyone.

Have a great Thursday!

Another Week of Waiting

The pain has been coming and going although now it is on both sides. The doctors office called yesterday and said that the ultrasound was fine but that my blood work was what they were worried about. I am hopeing it is my triglycerides and nothing really serious. I panic easily about stuff like this and so now I am all worried and my next appointment isn't till next Friday. It was supposed to be October 6th but they bumped it up. I wonder what that means.

I have a huge headache today and there is a leak in my bathroom ceiling right over my toilet. You have to wear a rain hat to pee. Nice. I doubt they will make it out today to fix it but Dustin adn I have been cleaning up so they can make it in the door. It's good enough right now but I would like it to be vaccumed before they come in. I should probably go ahead and email the work order. Hold please.

*Insert cheesy elevator music here*

Alright. I hope they cna get to it soon because I really dislike holding a pot over my head while peeing. :S

I think I am going to plan my Thanksgiving meal while I am on here today. In fact I will write back some other time. I want to get some ideas on paper .

Oh Doctor Doctor!

Life is so annoying sometimes. I am a fat gurl. I know it, my friends know it, my doctor knows it. And I am trying to do something about it. I admit fully that I do not commit well to dietary changes or medications, or exercise for that matter. But I continue to try. At this moment I do not have the money to get my gym membership though I have tried many many times, I just can't hang on to the money long enough. And medicine is the same way. I am planning on getting my ass to the gym in October though. I have made myself that birthday promise. So it will happen, as well as getting straight with my medications. I will do it starting Oct. 1st.

I had a horrible day off, my mother had to take me to my Dr. appointment that turned out to be a whole day affair and I didn't get to eat until after 6pm, and I spent all day drinking liquids and trying not to pee. I got poked and stabbed and it took all my energy so I didn't get to do a whole lot of anything the whole damn weekend. Poopy.


I will say that Saturday was better and I had lots of fun with my mom for her birthday. I got off work early and we went up to Zona Rosa and walked around their art fair. I bought a blown glass ring that is goregous. We also walked around Barnes and Nobel, bought some books and had Bo Ling's for lunch before heading up to Salon Oasis for her day of relaxation. She got a massage and a facial, and then we both got a pedicure together, before going to Michael's and then to Chili's for dinner. We had a good time and I think she was happy to get out and about. I do worry about her though because her legs kept giving out. I wish she would go to the Dr. and get checked out. She too is having the pains in her ovaries/abdomen. NOT GOOD!

Sunday I spent in bed watching the football games that were on and some cooking shows. I didn't feel well. Once Dustin got off work we watched some more tv and I took a shower, hoping it would make me feel better. We ended up going to bed at 10:45pm which is really early for us. Sad part is I am still tired. :P Dustin called earlier and I guess he is still tired too. We must have gotten too much sleep.

We missed everyone this weekend so I think we will have to go out and see Jenny and Wind, Ali, and Alex and just catch up with everyone. I hatethe way I just lose touch and time with eveyone when I don't feel well. Ugh. I did get a new book this weekend and finished the other one. Both Nora Roberts. Morrigan's Cross is the one I just finished and it is pretty good considering it is a new genre for her. It has to do with vampires and witches, it's book one in a trilogy. I like it. I need to give it to my mom so she can read it now. I just hate waiting for the next books in the trilogies to come out. But now I have one to tide me over till the 3rd of October, which is when I think the next book comes out.

September is here.

Wow it's the 7th already. Time flies. The other day I was out enjoying the lovely weather when I caught a breeze and all I could do was think of fall. It's funny how there is a distinct difference in a spring and a fall breeze. And while I love spring and all its flowering glory, nothing quite compares to fall. There is something magial about it and I would not trade it for any other season. I just wish it lasted longer. With fall comes apple cider, changing leaves, the Renaissance Festival, my birthday, October Fest, Halloween, Thanksgiving, turkey, stew, football, chili, all those wonderful things and a million more. I love it and I am soo excited that its back.

Here are some of the pictures that I took with Alex this past weekend. We are getting all to excited for fall and all the cool pictures that we will get to take. Alex is going to be really busy with work so hopefully we will be able to find some time to get away and see all the fun and amazing fall sites.

I am soo ready for this weekend. I don't have to work tomorrow and I have decided not to worry about it. My mother's birthday is coming up quickly and I am excited. I have decided to take her to Oasis Spa and get her a massage, a facial and a manicure. I think she will enjoy it. She needs some pampering. I am treating myself to a pedicure as well. I haven't ever really had one professionally done so I hope I don't freak or get hurt. I can admit I am slightly worried and excited.

I am getting the office prepared for Sara. It's stupid that I should have to leave millions upon millions of post-it notes and letters all over everything just to make sure it's taken care of. I have to leave very detailed instructions on how to do everything. Geez. I would like to donate her a dollar to buy her a clue.

Tonight Dustin and I are going to clean house. Woo hoo. I am going to cook dinner tonight though and we are both excited about that. He loves my cooking. I constanly amaze him. Which is nice. I hate to run on and on about our relationship but I have learned a lot from this relationship. When everything started out it was new and sweet and we were smoochy cute and affectionate and while I know that has wained over the past 2 years we still love the smoochy cute stuff. HE can irritate me and make me mad and I can be too overwhelming for him sometimes but overall we mesh incredibly well. We are such good friends and that amazes me. We play videogames together and we wrestle and we talk. We watch each others crappy movies, reluctantly on both parts but we give in because the other always gives in too. He makes me appreciate all the little things. He makes me laugh and he is such a goober, just like me. I love him a lot more than I ever imagined. And I like that.

Well it's after 5pm and I am off work so I need to get the hell outta here.

Later!

Labor Day Weekend

I wish I could say that my weekend started off great but honestly it didn't. Thursday was fun, it started off with Margie and I heading out to do a little shopping at Torrid and Lane Bryant where I found quite a bit of stuff on clearance, then from there we went to the bar and hung out with Alex, Amanda and Molly while the boys stayed home and got drunk. Well shitty drunk. By the time I got back to the house Dustin was so drunk he couldn't see straight and proceeded to annoy the ever loving crap out of me. I have to say I am happy he hardly ever does that because I sooo do not like him when he is like that. That led into Friday when the IDIOT SARA came in and then left at 3pm. I wonder how she gets such great hours when we are actually open till 5pm? Hmm. Anyways so I then had to come in and post payments Friday afternoon and deal with all that bullshit. We didn't get to do a whole lot on Friday either because Dustin was so hung over. Then Saturday I worked and Dustin worked the night shift so again I hardly saw him. Grrr. Sunday though Alex and I went out and took lots of pictures and I will post some of them soon. After that the boys sat around and watched the UFC PPV while Alex, Wheat and I went down to TOOTSIES for beer bust. It was tons of fun. We drank, danced, and had a few laughs. All in all it was good times. Wheat had a drunken injury, she danced until she about passed out and then when we tried to leave she fell and hurt her leg going up a big step. She survived. Andrew , winds cousin, came into town Saturday and stuck around till Jenny made it back. There was a nice fiasco Sunday night while we were on our way back from the bar Andrew and Wind broke the kitchen window. Wind almost fell out a window. DUMBASS! No harm no fowls since when Jenny got home they talked it over and will be getting it fixed soon. Alex and I missed Jenny and Ali like crazy. We spend an hour walking around in Target and the Disney store looking at all the cute fall clothes and costumes for babies. We missed her. Little cutie. So we are very glad to have them back. Alex and I love spending time on the weekends with her and Ali and since this one was a longer than usual one, it really seemed like forever since we saw them. Well so that was my weekend. Very eventful. I am glad this week is a shorter one. I am ready for a day off again and its only Tuesday. lol

Hooray for 3 day weeks!
There need to be a whole lot more of them!