Late Night Thinking

It's amazing the things you watch when you are up late at night, infomercials, reruns of old TV shows, black and white movies, talk shows, and every now and again you stumble across something that hits home. Most of my recent night time TV escapades have resulted in nothing more than late mornings, but I finally watched a couple of movies that I never had the chance to watch before, Elisabethtown. I had always heard it was terrible but I never let that keep me away from something I think might be interesting. In the end, I loved it! It's not an Oscar nominee or anything but it hit home with me.

I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open! lol Thank goodness for spell check. :) *BIG YAWN* So tired. Shuffling over wedding plans and trying to get things done. I started this with more of a level head. I mean we have no money. Especially now that I am unemployed. We aren't doing anything huge. It's basically whatever we can throw together. We are doing the food ourselves. But its something big to me. As it quickly approaches I am having more and more anxiety. It's big to me. Marrying the man I love! And getting to share this with my family, is an absolutely amazing thing. My sister is going to walk me down the aisle. I am so excited to share this with her, and to have both her and my brother there. There just aren't words. It just makes this so much more special. It will be so nice to celebrate something with the people Dustin and I love and hold dear.

With the wedding getting closer and all the loss the family has suffered, I just keep thinking about dad. You deal with the pain and you take it one day at a time. You can change it so you just adapt. As I get older though, it seems like in some ways it gets worse. Every time he misses something. Every time I realize how much it would mean for him to share a moment, and occasion. When I look at my mom, sometimes it just hurts. After everything with her and her health, I just keep thinking how much better he would want me to do. No matter how wonderful everyone thinks I am, I just keep thinking of how I should be doing so much more.

It's amazing all the things we think, and do when we are scared and confused. Sometimes I feel like I am still the same young and confused girl, just wearing big kid clothes and walking around doing big kid things, pretending. And other days, I am just moving forward. Just trying to make it through the day. But I am turning 30 this year, so maybe its just my way of getting through it. 

Dustin is a very special guy, taking on a girl with all this baggage. lol

I started taking Vitex.  A dietary supplement that is supposed to naturally help balance a woman cycle. I just started it so we shall see if it helps at all. There are quite a few people with PCOS that have used it to add in fertility. I am hopeful but I guess we shall see. I am not the most optimistic person but sometimes you just have to have hope. Right now thats is all I have.

 My heart is full and so is my head, I will let it all out and head to bed.

Gnight.

One Sad Week

This week had been a very crazy week, and the scary thing is... it's only Wednesday. My mother and I have been battling horrible upper respiratory infections for well over a week. Even with antibiotics I cannot seem to kick this damn thing. Then yesterday both sides of my family suffer losses. On my father's side, we lost my Aunt Barb. Sadly mostly what I know about her is from my childhood and my mother, I had very little time with her as an adult. I feel deeply for my cousin Breena, her daughter, as they were close like my mother and I. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for her. The wonderful thing is that Barb will live on through her, she has instilled in Breena her strength and spark that shines through her smile. I hope that will bring her some comfort during this difficult time. That and the knowledge she has gone on and will be with those she missed and loves.

On my mother's side we lost my Great Uncle Edgar. Honestly I did not know him that well. He was 84. I know that he was not alone when he went and that he went onto a better place and we should all take comfort that he had a long life and that he will be welcomed home to his maker next to my grandmother and his family.

In my experience, things always happen in threes. So it seems like we are all waiting for the next shoe to drop. We pray the worst is over.

On a brighter note, today is Chloe's 2nd Birthday. I would like to drop off some balloons and a present for her today even though her birthday party is Friday. It's so hard to believe the kids are getting so big. They are ornery than ever but also just as cute.

The wedding is drawing ever closer. We are almost just 2 months away! Panic is sure to set in soon. We are still trying to decide on tuxes, food, drinks, and get the invitations out. There is so much to do and so little time. Help is few and far between so I am doing most of the stuff by myself which is only adding to the stress, compound that by the fact I am unemployed so money is short...very short, and needless to say I am a mess.

I am trying to keep sane by taking it all day by day. But I know I am letting all kinds of things slip through the cracks. I know that I am taking some of it out on Dustin. Not that he doesn't play a role in my source of stress! lol He plays his own special part. Grrr.

I am making fabric flowers for the decorations on my bridal parties flip flops, which is fun and stressful at the same time. I am trying to just focus on the fun aspect and not worry so much about all the little shit. Don't even ask how that is going. lol So I think that's why I am back blogging about my life. It seems like through it all, the bad and the good, talking about it all helps to put it into perspective.

Tonight I am going to spend some time with Samantha and talk about all the crap that's driving me nuts. Then I am going to come home and work on some more fabric flowers, listen to some music and make the world fade away.

Hoping for some better days :)

76 Days and Counting

I cannot believe we have only 76 days left until we get married. With so much left to do and pay for I am beginning to believe we might never get it all done. I wish I could say I was optimistic but truthfully I am worried it won't all get done. Looking for a job and trying to make sure everything gets paid on time and that everything gets done is driving me up a wall.

I am making headway on the ceremony. I have selected several readings and am working on the actual vows. Trying to figure out the order or which to say things is the hard part. Its hard to want everything to be just so and know that it never will. lol Nothing ever goes exactly as planned. But knowing that and accepting that are two different things. I constantly have heartburn from all the worrying. When you add to that trying to figure out how to pay for all of this...lets just say I will be so happy when its all over.

In dreamland everything is simple and elegant. Something romantic but fun. Something without all the hassle. Hopefully as time goes things will fall into place and the stress with melt away and leave me simply excited and anxious.

I need to buckle down and set a schedule. There is so much left to be done and so little time. I just wanted to get some of this out and center myself. Sometimes its necessary to vent. But for now it is late and time to relax and head off to bed.