To Old Friends

It has been too long since I have seen and talk to some of my friends. We all have old friends that through the years you keep in touch wit but never really get to see anymore, it's the way our lives work. Time moves and often it's much faster than it seems. You forget to call, to write, to make time and then all of a sudden a year or two has flown by and you are out of touch.

Last night while Dustin and I were moving the rest of our crap out of my mothers old house, my mom got a call from Rose's mother. It has been forever. Way to long for words and I am so happy that we are all going to get together. So much has happened and so much has changed. I am excited to see her and Aurelia and Lil and now Lorenzo. I am thrilled and excited and I cannot wait. Now all I need is a car so I can go see her. It sucks, I am stuck at home all the time because my piece of crap car. I can't go anywhere unless Dustin takes me and it drives me up a wall. I think a lot of my friendships are suffering because of it. Jenny and Wind never call us, Jenny doesn't even talk to me period. Samantha and I talk on the phone all the time but she is really the only one. Margie calls and I thank god for her since she is sweet enough to offer to come get me if she wants to do something or hang out. I think she understands the difficult situation that I am in. It just sucks. I don't have the money to go out and buy a new car. I am going to have to save up all kinds of money that I don't have to get one and since I have no credit it is going to be extremely difficult to do. I have been looking around online and hoping that after the new year I can figure something out. But alas, that leaves me all by myself most days.

Feeling Much Better Now

Ugh! One of the worst weekends ever, but thank god I survived. I still feel funky but I am awake, sitting up, talking, walking, and smelling like a normal person. My sickness has passed and I am itching to getout of the house and now it's all freaking rainy and shit. Just my luck.

I miss my friends. I haven't gotten to talk to hardly any of them. I am ready to get out of the house, unfortunately tonight all I am going to get to do is go over to my mom's and get the rest of my crap out of the old house and then get my christmas boxes over here. I am excited about putting up our Christmas tree. It's exciting. I need to get some decorations for the office too. I know somewhere I have a bunch of stuff but I just don't want to get into all that crap.

I have started on my Christmas shopping. No one is done yet, but at least I have started. Once I get my wrapping paper I am going to go ahead and wrap the gifts and then they will be all ready to go. I know I shouldn't spend a lot and I really don't want to but it's really hard once you start seeing things you know people will like. And then this year we have the two babies to shop for! I have already seen 500 million things I would love to get them . Stuff they really don't need of course. *yawn* Damn it. I am still way more tired than I should be. It sucks. Will I ever get over this crap!?!

I have a little over a week till Senses Fail and I am stoked. I know Samantha is as well. Ugh! Damn it now it has decided to rain harder. This is going to suck trying to move all those boxes in the rain.

Okay things are getting busy/annoying here at work so I will have to blog later!

Bye!

More Than You Want To Know

So I am finally out of bed. Well, temporarily anyway. I have been sicker than a dog for the past few days and now Dustin has caught it and is laid out in bed trying to sleep. Thanksgiving never really happened. Basically I spent the entire day laid out or sitting at the toilet. Fun fun. I missed dinner with my family and dessert with Dustin's family because I was so ill. It sucked. And now here it is 4 days later and I am still all messed up and just trying to get better, while taking care of Dustin who is amazingly doing way better than I was.

I had planned on trying to cook dinner tomorrow but now it seems pointless since neither of us will feel up to it. My poor mother is trying to move this weekend and unfortunately she is two hands short now. Plus Jesse is pulling some crap and didn't show up like he was supposed to. That kid, I swear. Well I wish I could write more but energy is severely lacking today and I still feel really crappy. I hope everyone is able to steer clear of this crap because it is pure hell.

STAY HEALTHY!

Hellogoodbye at the Granada

Alex, Crissy, Dustin and I had a fabu time last night at the concert and then got to partake in some delicious Jimmy John's sandwiches. I was unsure who was playing with Hellogoodbye which turned out to be Cute Is What We Aim For, Reggie and the Full Effect, and some unheard of band that we missed since we were slightly late.

I have only heard Cute is What We Air For a couple of times and they weren't bad, but I did enjoy them live. They weren't truly amazing but they had energy and their songs sound good live, their voices were strong enough, their lyrics we kind of catchy and I will be looking for their CD.

As for Reggie, whose hometown is Lawrence, Kansas. It was a love hate relationship with the audience, in which love mostly ruled but clearly as time has gone by and age has waged its war again all music great and small, most people were not feeling them. I was pretty impressed and can see why they were popular and still are with the loyal fans that will follow him till he is ready to throw in the towel. The songs were fun and hard, and everyone on stage knew how to just enjoy the music. It seems like band now a days are more concerned with image than with the music and it was a fun, light hearted night that a lot of concerts lack. All in all I was glad to see Reggie though I had no previous desire to. It is something I will definitely do again.

The headliner, and one of my favorite bands, Hellogoodbye are your basic geeks. geeks that I would expect to see in 80's movies and makes me think of a slightly better dressed Duckie. If you haven't heard them, check out their new CD,Zombies! Aliens! Vampires! Dinosaurs! which is their second CD and is full of upbeat electronic songs that will have you daydreaming and snapping your fingers to the beat. Yes they are bubble gum pop to the funnest extreme. The love songs make all the girls hearts go pitty-pat even the older generations enjoy the music for the very Buddy Holly look and sounding lead singer Forrest. Adorable (bye the way)!! Zombies! is a great album that offers a little bit of ballad and dance mixed that will keep you entertained. Some of my favorites off of this one include:

1. All of Your Love - a pop dance beat that makes me move, and sing along. I can bust a move when I want to. ;)

2. Here In Your Arms - Which is the first video off of this album and is currently being played on both Fuse and MTV. It's another good song with a nice pop beat and some techno flavor. Keeping in tune with Forrest's big heart you can totally feel the love. Definitely one of my favorites that is helping keep it locked in my CD player. Watch out cause I sing it spontaneously.

3. All Time Lows - This one makes me shake it up, and try and make my voice do things it really can't do. It's a perfect Southern California for getting your day started.

6. Oh, It Is Love - this one is my favorite on the album. I adore almost each and every word, every strum of the ukulele or guitar, every second of this song makes me smile. If you know love you will melt when this song comes on. It makes you smile till it hurts. It's catchy melody with Forrest's voice will have you seeing floating hearts and sparklers.

10. Touchdown Turnaround - This one is upbeat and techno with the full bubble gum flavor that makes you dance and shake it. One of my favorites that makes me act like I am much younger than I am and realize why all the little teen girls love them so much. Perhaps I am still young at heart.

Now if you love the album then check out their self titled EP which contains some of my all time favorite songs and some very funky pop beats and techno infused pop and a sincere ballad.

Call -n-Return

Shimmy Shimmy Quarter-Turn

Dear Jamie

Bonnie Taylor Shakedown

Jesse Buy Nothing... Go to Prom Anyways

We didn't get to get down close to get the picutes I was hoping for but some of them turned out okay. I could barely see Cute is What We Aim For but got to see the whole show of Reggie incluing the naked guy in suspenders. Hellogoodbye I had to lean this way and that but I got some decent pictures. I hope everyone enjoys. the pictures and gives all of these bands CD's a listen to.

Aftrwards we had planned on going to Buffalo Wild Wings since it is right next door and the nearest one to us here in is Independence and that is not close, but once I saw Jimmy Johns, Alex and I had our hearts set on their sandwiches. I am addicted. It's pretty pathetic really, but they are just soo good. I usually get a Club Lulu or the Beach Club although I do love their Turkey Tom or whatever number 4 is. It is delicious, but then everything there is good. I also had to get a pickle. :D He he. Anyways we made it back by 1am, and everyone was ready for bed. Dustin and I did stay up and watch Jericho though. I figure I will catch up on all my shows tomorrow, on my day off while laying in bed all day. I doubt I will get up to do anything, except to get food, drinks or to pee. I have one hour left and I need to clean up the office so I guess if I ever get up tomorrow I will post about my lazy day or dreams otherwise I will post Saturday while I am tired and bored at work.

Later!

Hellogoodbye!

Tonight's the night! I am so excited! Tonight Dustin and I are going to Lawrence to see Hellogoodbye at the Granada. I am too excited. I caught them at Warped Tour this summer and that was my first chance to catch them live! I have loved them for 2 years now and they are getting so popular and I couldn't be happier for them. I know a lot of people really get resentful when a band they love gets popular but I think that is just silly. Yes there may be some bands that take the fame and let it run to their heads but for all those other bands that don't and are humbled by it, they are the reason I really genuinely wish and hope good things happen to. Take Senses Fail for example. I have met Mike Glita and he is a very smart, and genuine person. He, like the rest of the band, remember and are thankful for their fans. And that has not changed with the fame it has remained constant, and therefore their fans too, will remain faithful and constant supporters.

I am really anxious to get to see Hellogoodbye again. I will definitely be taking my camera with me, in fact I actually need to charge it us and get some of the pictures off. I want it all ready to go for the concert. I am actually hoping to have enough time to possibly run to the salon and get my hair cut because it is driving me mad. The back is too short to straighten but too long to let it just go. It sucks! Anywooo, I am going to get back to work and head to the little girls room!

What A Weekend

How old do you have to be before you start acting like an adult? Dustin and I love our friends, really we do, but it is getting to the point where we can't handle all the bullshit. It's not all of our friends. And I know that even the ones that are giving me this horrible headache don't do it on purpose nessisarily, but come on people. We all have to deal with people in our lives that we may not love, or even like, but that doesn't mean we should be mean cruel people. I mean for the love of God, can't we all just get along. I am so tired of being nice to everyone while they turn around and stab me in the fucking back. I don't need this shit. You don't have to like me to be pleasant to me, just like I don't have to like you to be pleasant to you. It's called being civilized which apparently a lot of people have an issue with. I just think it's bullshit. I had someone talk shit about me, behind my back, and then get other people to join in and then act like I must have a problem or be overreacting because I called them on it and asked what their problem was. Now I didn't start a big fight, or even an arguement, I simply informed them that I know stuff was said and wanted to know from their own mouths what it was, and none of them really admitted exactly what was said. And some simply didn't say a fucking word. Now I didn't beat the shit out of them, or cuss them out, or anything like that. After I got the truth, or a version of it from everyone with the guts to admit it, I let it go. I know who my true friends are. And if you have something to say, say it to my face. We are too old to be acting like middle school children and I have no desire to. I am so tired of this bullshit. I need new friends or something. Because while I love my friends, I just don't want to get into all this bullshit. I will help anyone who asks and listen to anyone who has a problem, but I won't sit around and treat you with respect if you cannot do the same to me and others. Ugh. So basically we spent our weekend contimplating visit our friends. Hell we were even on our way to some of our friends before having to change plans because of one persons child-like attitude. The same person who was talking shit about me.
Now I would think since I basically squashed this incident she would learn from it but instead she got pissed off because she got busted and won't play well with others now. Childish. It's sad and pathetic and I am soo tired of this bullshit.

Is there an age when this behavior stops, when we finally grow out of it? I hope so, because at 26 I just think its a big hassel and I am begining to question the worth of friendships when it just goes on and on and on and on. And again this is not to everyone, just to the people that cannot seem to act their age.

Sorry people. That was quite a rant. But it needed to be said. And I am tired of not being able to hang out and have a good time with people because they are all to busy being nasty to each other. So that was my weekend. We ended up staying home and watching movies and football.

Wednesday is payday! And it's the day Hellogoodbye is playing down at the Granada in Lawrence. I am planning on taking my lovely camera and taking a million pictures and acting like a complete idiot! Woo Hoo! I was hoping my friend Doug would get to make it but it turns out he has class. Which sucks , and I just hope that we can both stop having horrible schedules and actually find time to get together. I haven't seen him since his and Rose's high school prom. It's been forever.

Dustin made it home finally. Well not finally, but he is home. He gets to go do our laundry, and lucky me , I get to stay here at work. Whoopee! Ha! I have been meaning to make some mp3 cd's but I can never seem to find the time to rip all the cd's I want to the computer and its annoying me. I have been listening to 96.5 non-stop for the past few weeks, which is fine but I miss my faovrite songs. I am begging for an Ipod for Christmas, and of course Dustin wants a laptop. I think we need a new computer but he wants a laptop instead. I am kind of torn. I don't want to spend all the money it will take to get the kind of laptop that I want and I think its silly to buy one that isn't that great when we could spend the same amount of money and get a brand new computer that has all the shit we need and want on it for the same price as a half-way good laptop. But we shall see.

Honestly this is the second year in a row that I have fallen behind on my Christmas shopping. I used to be great at it, I could have everything done before November and then have time and money to splurge a little on people. But this year I really dropped the ball and I have no idea what to get anyone. And it sucks. And as far as my Thanksgiving plans, I have no idea what or where I will be. Dustin has to work so he won't be able to come and meet the family yet, so that sucks and he won't get off in time to go down to see the Plaza lighting since we are supposed to go over to his families to decorate the tree and bake some cookies and stuff. I am slightly disappointed but I think we will have lots of fun and I love his family. I just wonder what I will be doing before that and who I will be eating Thanksgiving dinner with or if I should cook one myself. I mean I am planning on cooking dinner anyways, but I thought perhaps I would save it for the next day or possibly Saturday. I guess we shall see. I emailed my uncle Bill and my cousin Madison since they are the two families that usually want to have it at their house.

I need a cigarette. I will write later, actually probably tomorrow since tonight is our shows. Or at least some of them . Heroes and Studios 60. So later people!

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LEAVE ME SOME DAMN COMMENTS!

Saturday

A day off is exactly what the doctor called for. I laid in bed, slept in, watched some crappy girly movies, played my games and just relaxed. I wish I was off again today but, at least I feel rested and renewed.

I got the third books in the Nora Roberts trilogy that I have been reading from my mom yesterday so I can finish that off and then go to Barnes and Noble to pick up some new reading material. I don't have anything specific I want to get so I have a feeling it will be a long trip to the bookstore. But that is just an excuse to get a Chai tea. I love that stuff.

I get paid on Wednesday and I remembered that HelloGoodbye is going to be playing at the Granada that night. I am really hoping to go, Alex wants to go to, I think, and Dustin is off that day so perhaps we shall all go. Hmm Doug is off that day too, I wonder if he would want to go. I think I will send him an invite, I don't think the tickets are over $20-$25 dollars so it shouldn't be too bad. I hope we all get to go. Buffalo Wild Wings! Hmmm. Sorry, I'm drooling.

Ugh. It's only 11:05 . I want the work day to be over so I can go home and watch some movies. I have only had one call so far this morning and I think I will have only one or two more and maybe one visitor. I hate working on days like this. It sucks having Friday off but having to work Saturday and then getting Sunday off. Poop. So I am sitting here updating my blog and thinking about all the things I want to do when I get off work. We are thinking about going to see a movie tonight, but I was hoping Happy Feet was out already and it doesn't come out till next Friday. So I am not really sure what we would see. I need to check the movie listings. Hmm. Let's see. I think we will either end up going to the $2 Theater and seeing Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest or going to see SAW III. I heard Saw is pretty gory even compared to the first one, but that it is really good. I would like to see the Pirates of the Caribbean though. I don't know, I guess either would be fine with me. I actually wouldn't mind staying home and watching the movies that we rented either. I guess I am pretty flexible today.

For now though I think I had better get back to work.

Later people!

A Pity Fest

I want to scream and shout and cry right now. I feel like poop and I am all upset. About what exactly? About everything. About how unfair life is, about how unlucky I am, about the way I am, about the way people treat me, about how I treat others. It's everything. When I read the book my mother got all about Diabetes and I get angry and scared and upset. This isn't how it was supposed to be. Okay, yes I am fat. The poly cystic ovarian syndrome through the years, coupled with being insulin resistant, and my emotional eating habits really did a number on me. I have coped with the hundred pound weight gain. I have slowly coped. And yes I still got upset about stuff but I was proud of who I was, and look at me now. I hate staying in the house but hate going out in public. I love shopping for clothes but hate putting them on, hate buying them only to find I look horrible in them. I hate missing out on my favorite foods, I hate feeling guilty for thinking about eating them. I am tired of feeling like a piece of trash. I am tired of feeling fat and ugly and disgusting. I get in the shower sometimes just to cry and let it all out, because it gets exhausting trying to be okay. I get myself all pumped up to fix things and then one small turn and I am giving up. I need help but get none when I need it the most. I try to remember to take my medicine and eat good solid meals and snacks at regular intervals but it never turns out that way. And what happens if I can never do it? Heart disease, kidney failure, all the health issues my mother and grandmother and father had are just waiting for me, some of them are already killing me as I write. And I am scared and paralyzed by this fear and honestly just wish I could give up. I am really coming to the realization that I am never going to be a mother and its killing me. At 26 I feel like the world is done with me. How pathetic am I? And who am I writing this to, anyways? My family that I know, the one I don't, my friends? Like they can't see how fucked up I am already. I want to see the silver lining, I want to be optimistic and know somehow that ever thing will be alright, but anyone one who knows me, knows, life just isn't that way for me. It's one big mistake after another, and one more bad day to follow the ones before. And I am tired, and scared that I just don't see the worth in it anymore and THAT is frightening.

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Just Another Bad Day

OKay, I am having a bad day. Worst part is that the day isn't over. I haven't taken my medicine today because there is nothing to eat in the house and Dustin is sitting around playing video games again. I am so frustrated right now. I don't understand how someone could be such a jerk and not really care at all. Dustin and I have this reoccuring problem, see when Dustin works nights the day before is hell for me. He will stay up all night, drink, play video games and not come to bed till 5-8 in the morning and will not get up one minute early. So he won't go with me to post notices or get lunch, do dishes, clean the apartment, nothing. I just give up. All I want to do is cry today. All I want to do is get away from here and I can't. I'm going crazy. I have vented on the phone with Samantha for an hour now and I still don't feel any better. I am tired of having the same fight. I am tired of getting upset and then giving in. I am just tired. I hate the feeling that the whole world is against me. I hate the self loathing and self hate but I can't shake it free. I need my journal and a pen, some music and a nice quiet hill outside and away from everyone and instead I am stuck here at work with nothing to do, nothing to eat, and no hope.

I am going to spend way to much money on tickets to a Chiefs game that I am increasingly not sure whether or not I even want to go. I still need to get Christmas presents for everyone and I need to get my gym membership so I can start working these crappy feeling out of myself there. I am just frustrated to no end and I am not handling anything well. I have decided not to take a lunch today because I don't want to see Dustin right now. And of all days, today is his day off, so no matter what I do, he is going to be there. So I guess I will just spend as much time as possible at work. That is sad.

I am hating how warm it is outside. 70's in November is just wrong. Bring on the cool crisp weather that fall is supposed to bring, I am tired of being to warm in a sweatshirt. Fall is my favorite time of year because of all the warm colors and the cool air. The warm scents in the cool breeze. That is what make fall so special. *Sigh* I probably shouldn't be writing today since all I want to do is be miserable. I should close the blinds and hide, and I could if I could. But instead I am sitting here in the office watching the tiny birds fly from bush to bush, and bee's fluttering around in the warmer than normal air, and wish that I could be feeling as bright as it is out there.

Pardon my lack of enthusiams
Excuse me, please
Frustratingly polite as I can possibly be
Smiling while grinding my teeth
I eat shit very exstatically.


I have been thinking about all kinds of things lately. From my deceased relatives to the one still here, my health, my friends and all the stuff that has led me to right where I am. I don't know where the time has gone and how I know I am not really old but I feel like it's almost time to go, I just wish making the most out of life wasn't so hard. I find beauty in all kinds of things, I find it hard to determine what I love most in life because it is all so damned special to me, but for all this love I have I can't find a space in my heart for me. I keep making mistakes and disappointing myself and it keeps getting harder and harder to bounce back from them. I have so many issues I think I should have several full-time therapists but then they can't help me if I can't help myself, and that is what I have the worst time with. So am I doomed? Is there hope for me?

The world may never know.

I am done. I am tired of myself and my mood so I am going to bored myself to death.
Later people!

Another Week

I hate it when the week just drags by. This week I have felt a little yucky , I have been coughing up crap and my stomach has been hurting. It sucks. Thursday Dustin and I went up and had Alex take out picture. They turned out really cute although I would like to have them airbrushed lol. Just kidding, we look happy and that cannot be faked. We even got some Christmas cards to send out to everyone. *yawn* Okay so I am really tired and I think I am getting a cold or the flu or something. Dustin doesn't get off till 4 and that sucks because I am out of cigarettes and I want one really bad.

Dustin and I are hooked on our new game. Marvel Alliance. It kicks ass. We were both off yesterday and had planned on playing it but we caught up on our shows and then went and had dinner with Jenny, Ali, Rachel, and Alex at the Olive Garden. So I have a feeling tonight we are going to be planted in front of the TV playing our game all night. Well at least until Danny gets off. We have been going over there after he gets off and playing Sega Bass Fishing. We are hooked on that game too. It's a lot of fun. I hardly ever have the time to play my games anymore. I am hoping to try and find a good deal on a laptop for Christmas so I can play my Sim games and listen to music off of that while I am at work. If that doesn't pan out I am going to buy myself an Ipod after Christmas because it drives me crazy not being able to listen to my music. Especially since I don't have cable in the office so I have to watch/listen to crappy TV all damn day. It drives me up a freakin' wall.

I am hoping I can get Dustin to hook up the scanner tonight so I can finish making copies of those pictures for Debbie. I have some of them on the computer and I just have to hope she has an email address that I can send them too. I tried sending Linda an email but it came back postmaster.Failure. So I will have to call tomorrow and see if I can't get her address again. For now I thought I would post some pictures and vent.

It's really horrible when you disagree with someone politically when its a parent or similar. Dustin's mother is very religious which is great, I commend her for it. But with that usually means they are very republican. Which is where I find it hard to keep my mouth shut. Now I don't really consider myself aligned with any particular party. I like to go with the person that best fits my views and meshes with my beliefs and stands up for my issues, which is increasingly hard and harder to find. And yes I do tend to lean towards the democratic side, because for my really important views they seems to see eye to eye with me. Now I am not very politically active, and I do not go lout looking to debate. Last night however when dropping off his mothers pictures I almost found myself arguing with her about the Stem Cell Research issue. She thinks it is wrong to clone human embryos to use for stem cell research, but of course she thinks it's wrong that they have been using REAL human embryos as well. Apparently there is no other solution to her other than to stop, because no matter what we are killing human beings. Scientifically, however we are not. We are merely taking cells that create human life and using to cure all these different diseases and helping injured people. Why is that wrong? Personally I feel that if God created us and gave a free will, he wanted to see what we would do with our lives, our dreams, our talents. There are so many horrible things being done and created, why not give life out of a life created. It doesn't make it wrong it makes it special. When we die I don't see people throwing fits about our eyes being donated to the blind! Or our organs saving someone else life. It is one small way we can make a difference. I may one day need help that this research could provide. Maybe my child will one day need it. I can bet you anything in the world these people on their high horses would change their tunes if they needed it, or their child needed it. So I just shook my head at his mother and chose to keep my mouth shut, because in this day and age, a whole lot of bad can come from discussing one's political views. And I would never want to have some falling out with his mother. She is a wonderful woman.

Another thing that really blew my mind the other day was these android things. Freaky! I feel like the end of the world is coming. Apparently in Japan, they have made several different types of robots that act like humans. To a degree at this point of course. A traffic robot, one in a university and a few others. They have the emotional range of happy, sad, surprise, fear, anger, and revulsion, and are designed to speak Japanese, English, Korean and Chinese and to reply to 500 questions with a pre-programmed menu of 1,000 responses. Somehow they claim that growing up with the anime cartoons and movies has help their culture and that they are really advancing with their robotics in order to create more realistic androids, and enjoy interacting with them. I think that perhaps in their culture, they are taught to be pretty emotionless and that has a lot to do with why they would enjoy interacting with a droid. No worry of hurting a droids feelings, or making it mad, no reason to treat them nicely. They can be cold and emotionless without feeling guilty. The very thought creeps me out. I am seriously disturbed by the fact we are now creating droids to take the place of people. I mean, my god aren't there enough people out there without jobs without some droid being designed to take over more. It's sad and its creepy but if you would like to read more about it you can, here :

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14270827/site/newsweek/from/ET/

I am afraid that is all for now. I will chat back later. Most likely tomorrow or Monday.