Just Breathing

It's been an interesting week. I am thinking I must be going through some sort of crisis. I am not mid or quarter so I haven't a clue what is going on with me. I am utterly lost. I feel like I am free falling and grasping at anything I see. I am spiraling out of control. I wish I had someone that I could just be honest. I miss real friendships that were raw and honest. I mean I love my friends but there is always one reason or another that I can't just say what I mean, act on how I feel. I am contantly questioning my reactions and feeling about things, in case they need to be sensored. Its rather pathetic.

I have one hour left before I get to go home. I am finishing up a book and ready to move onto a new one. I am ready for a nap and some dinner. Still trying to decided what to eat but I am sure I will come up with something. Someone is coughing up a storm in the Fitness Center, with all the sickness going around I have to wonder why the fuck people do not stay the fuck home. If I take this crap home with me to my sick mother, it is going to be very very bad. What is wrong with people? Ugh. This day could not be over fast enough for me.

Oh well. I thought venting would help. But I really just miss having a good friend that I can be myself with.


Oh well.

Twenty Nine

Me at 29.

All I can think is "Good grief". Nothing original, perhaps I have Charlie Brown on my mind. I didn't sleep very well. I kept having strange dreams. All I kept thinking while my alarm when off is " I don't want to get out of bed". Which is unusual for me. I love birthdays. I am not bothered by the getting older, just the feeling older part which didn't start until today. I am slightly saddened by the thought that I am now 29. I should be excited and happy but instead I am slightly pessimistic about the whole thing. I am trying to be excited for this new year and what is to come. I have been through a lot of shit in my life and I feel as equipped as I possibly could be at this point for the next chapter of my life to take shape and unfold. Dread is a natural response, to a point so I guess I should just relax and enjoy the ride.

I have no idea what I even want to do to celebrate this occasion. I would like to go see a psychic. Perhaps as a way to put a little promise into the future. She could lie but as long as she makes it sound good :) lol I want to drink a little too much and pretend that with my health I am not getting one step closer to the grave, and I would like to enjoy the company of my friends. I need a good laugh.

Its a great fall day. If it was a sunnier I would say the perfect fall day for my birthday. But the rain clouds are mirroring my mood, and threatening rain...no crying on my birthday. I had enough of that last year. To think that one year ago I was watching my mother crash in her hospital bed, doesn't do much to improve my mood, except that she is still here. So its another birthday I get with my mother. And that is a really great birthday wish come true.

I need a drink. This birthday shit is just crazy to me now. I am a true lover of birthdays but this one seems slightly tainted. Damn 29, if it wasn't so close to 30. For which I am dreading more than I can ever say.

Dustin's mom is so wonderful. She cooked me an amazing Pot Roast dinner...my very favorites :) And a Jamoca Almond Fudge Ice Cream Cake from Basken Robbins along with the new Beatles Rock Band. She is so great. Its a ton of fun and I love singing all my favorite songs. Dustin got me perfume, Be Delicious. My new favorite perfume that I have been dying for. I love it but haven't had a chance to wear it yet. Everyone has been great. :)

Okay well I am working, yep. Working on my birthday. I am going to try and entertain myself for a little while longer and then eat my Jimmy Johns sandwich. Yummy.

Personality Profile

If Today is Your Birthday: October Thirteenth
Personality Profile for People Born on October 13
The following descriptions reveal some of the characteristics of people who share a birthday—those who are born on October 13th of any year—based on various methods used in Astrology and Numerology. Both Astrology and Numerology reveal much more depth when a birth year, and in the case of the former, a birth time and place are included.
The Astrology & Numerology of your Birthday
Your Sun is in Libra in the Gemini decanate and the Aries quadrant.
The ruler of your Sun is Venus. Venus bestows a charming, sometimes indulgent nature, with a love of comfort and peace.
Secondary rulers of your decanate and quadrant signs are Mercury and Mars. Mercury adds an analytical, intelligent, and communicative side to your nature, and Mars adds spunk and assertiveness.
Your Personality Profile:
You have a sharp mind and a great love of debate, justice, and the law. Always seeking answers and balance, you are inquisitive and not afraid toexpress contrary opinions, yet you do so in a rather tactful manner. You are both practical and responsible. Not afraid of hard work, you can be quitesuccessful in your career, although you need a strong sense that you are moving forward in order to feel motivated. If you are expressing a tendency to scatter your energies, it’s a sure sign that you are lacking this kind of motivation. With your quiet demeanor, it might surprise people who don’t know you well that you possess strong convictions.
hard-working – just – responsible
Margaret Thatcher, born October 13, 1925 The first female primeminister of the United Kingdom, nicknamed the “Iron Lady”.
Chris Carter, born October 13, 1956CreatedThe X-Files
Paul Simon, born October 13, 1941 Singer,song-writer.
Your Sun Sign

Libra the Scales
Libra is fair-minded, socially aware, and likable. Uncomfortable with anything that throws things out of balance, Libra aims towards harmony and equality. Decisions are often hard to make, and when there are too many of them to make, they can feel drained. Oftentimes they’ll procrastinate so they don’t have to settle on a solution or answer. This is because Libra always sees both sides to any situation. Partnerships are extremely important to Libra–Librans don’t like to go it alone. For the most part, Libra is accommodating and concerned about keeping the peace.
Libra, the scales: Planet: Venus; Element: Air; Quality: Cardinal; Color: pink or green; Day: Friday; Stone: Opal; Part of Body Ruled: adrenal glands, kidneys; Motto: I weigh; Energy: Yang
Fixed Star(s) Near Your Sun:
Sun Conjunct MufridThis fixed star has a Mercury/Saturn influence, endowing you with a clever mindand a subtle sense of humor. You should be prosperous in your work, but you maybe inclined to excesses. You have an affinity for country/rural life.
Progressed Sun: Turning Points in the Life
We carry our Sun sign with us throughout our entire lives. If I’m a Libra, I’ll always be a Libra. However, in secondary progressions, the Sun “progresses” in a symbolic sense through our natal Sun sign, and then beyond it to subsequent signs. Secondary progressions are “a day for a year”, and because the Sun moves just under one degree per day, our Sun symbolically progresses just short of one degree every year of our lives. Because there are 30 degrees for every sign, if I were born in the latter days of a Libra Sun, my Sun would progress to the sign of Scorpio in my early childhood, and to the sign of Sagittarius in my early to mid-30’s. If I were born near the beginning of a Libra Sun, however, my progressed Sun would enter Scorpio close to my 30th birthday, and to Sagittarius in my late 50’s. The changeover of signs marks a critical turning point in a person’s life. At the very end of a sign (just before changing signs), individuals may make life-changing, impulsive decisions.
Your progressed Sun enters Scorpio at age 10. The ages of 9 to 11 mark a critical turning point in the development of your personality. Circumstances are such that you develop a slightly thicker skin. You become more passionate and have less of a need to rely on others for support, and your power to make decisions improves.
Your progressed Sun enters Sagittarius at age 40. The ages of 39 to 41 mark a critical turning point in the development of your personality. After some sort of crisis of consciousness, and perhaps elimination of circumstances that have been limiting your growth, you begin to feel lighter, more free, and decidedly more outgoing. Your desire to learn increases, and your sense of humor is enriched.
Degree Meanings of your Sun:
20Scorpio
Sabian Symbol:
Sabian symbols present imagery associated with the degreeof your Sun in Libra. Either of the following may apply, depending on the exactdegree of your Sun:
If Sun is 19-20 degrees Libra:
“A Rabbi Performing His Duties”
If Sun is 20-21 degrees Libra:
“A Sunday Crowd Enjoying The Beach”
Harmonic Degree Meaning:
The following is the degree meaning of your Sun (20degrees Libra) based onharmonic sign influences.
“Mature, sober, reflectivedisposition. Intelligent. Inclined towards academic or business pursuits. Interested in wide-ranging ideas, communications, and travel.”
Numerology of October 13
You were born on the 13th day, which reduces to a 4. People born on this day are usually quite responsible and ambitious. Willing to work hard for some kind of recognition for your efforts, you have a need to achieve, yet you are not an aggressive go-getter either. You make your way quietly yet progressively.Factoring in the 10th month of October, you are a number 5. You have a need for stimulation and motivation in all areas of your life, even though, overall, you are not an especially restless person. Factoring in your birth year gives you your Birth Path Number—a highly personal number for you.
Birthday Forecast for You
2009 will be a Number Seven year for you. Ruled by Neptune. This is a year of preparation, chance, and refinement. It is not a time of dramatic changes. Instead, it’s a year when reflection on the past is helpful, and when refinements to your life path should be made. It’s a good year to study and analyze. Unexpected twists to your life story and “chance” meetings are probable. Advice – take stock of your life in order to prepare for more exciting years to come, examine the past and plan for the future, get in touch with your deepest needs and uncover your personal power, don’t strain yourself or actively try to expand.
You Are Drawn to People Born on…
Easy, subtle attraction and harmony: You don’t feel an irresistible pull towards each other, but over time, appreciate the peace you have between you. These people are good for you, although they might not challenge you to grow.
February 4-14, June 6-16, August 9-16, December 9-16
On-again, off-again attraction. This is a complex connection, and you make an odd yet interested couple.
March 9-13, May 9-13, September 11-15, November 11-15
A mysterious attraction that can be very romantic…or completely platonic! This is a spiritual connection that has a magical quality to it.
January 22-26, June 26-30, August 19-23, December 1-5
Opposites attract. Push me, pull me. You could complement each other well if you allow yourselves to learn from each other, or you could actively war against each other.
April 5-15
Attraction of the soul; challenging, intense, rich, and binding.
August 31-September 4, November 21-25
Powerful, tumultuous attraction–you are aware of the distinct differences between you, but may be drawn to each other because of the simultaneous awareness of a need and a lack. Either the relationship is ongoing and obviously tumultuous and of a “love-hate” nature, or it flows well until it breaks unexpectedly.
January 6-16, February 22-26, May 25-29, July 7-17, August 26-30, October 8-18, November 26-30
Creative, communicative, inspiring, and spiritually rewarding connections.
March 3-7, May 15-19, July 29-August 2, December 22-26
In the Cards…
Today’s playing cards are based on an ancient system similar to the Tarot. Each birthday of the year is associated with a main playing card, the Birth Card, and each tells its own story.
The card associated with your birthday is the Nine of Clubs. You believe in the power of intention. You know how to “network”, possess people skills, and you are adept at combining business and pleasure. Your love card is the Two of Hearts, suggesting a real need for partnership andfamily. You are very sensitive and intuitive in love.

Ugh, I hate the 5th of the month. Not as much as I hate the 6th, but since the days are one right after the other, I think I just hate the first week of the month. Rent, late rent, notices, Evictions, and all the other unpleasant stuff. Poop! With Holly still not in the office I am fielding all the traffic, all the work orders, all the questions, all the complaints, all the generally shitty stuff. I am so tired. My check this month better be worth it, damn it.

I am turning up the radio in hopes of distracting my mind from all the craziness of work. That's right, I am taking a break. And since I am trying to stop smoking, instead of lighting up, I am using my music to soothe me, damn foiled by a ringing phone and someone else paying rent.

Grrr... no wonder I am having such a difficult time not smoking! At least when I am smoking I am out of the office, away from the phone for 15 damn minutes.

Is it 6 o'clock yet?

"Help I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer. "

One more hour.

I am so ready to go home. Tonight is Heroes! I still haven't watched it from last week. I will have to hurry home in order to catch up in time for tonight's episode. Oh well, back to work. :(

Loving the Weather! Stuck at work :(

Fall is finally here. Today is as perfect a fall day as you could ask for, and I am stuck at work. I decided to get the golf cart out so I can run around outside today. I have to check and see how many screen doors we need. I may end up passing out some notices today too. I can't believe in less than two weeks I will be 29. Ugh. I wish I could say I wasn't one of those people that was freaked by the thought of turning 30. It's not so much that I am getting older. I mean in the scheme of things, 30 really is a great age. But not so much when your me. Facing all the horrible things 30 means for a woman with my health and my problems and having no children. So I decided to quit smoking. Yep. Sunday night while I was smoking a cigarette I decided to stop smoking. I only had one cigarette yesterday, its very hard to quit cold turkey. But ultimately I am happy with my decision. It's a little harder as the day goes on. Especially on my drive home from work. With all the craziness going on, its hard not to smoke one right after a stressful day.

I am confident that I can handle it though. Now if I start to gain a lot of weight I will not be so thrilled but as far as my health goes, I think this is the best thing I could do.

So I am really excited for my birthday! I mean its my last birthday in my 20's. I will officially be in my 30's *cringe* this time next year. That's scary! I feel like I should be doing something wild and crazy. Maybe I will get another tattoo! I have been dying for another one. Maybe that will be one of the things I do that week.

This morning is just crazy. I am being driven crazy by retarded people. People constantly amaze the shit out of me. But I don't want to be all negative when its so beautiful out today. I will block all the craziness out and try and enjoy my day. I have some bills that I need to get posted and a couple of leases to get typed up and ready to go. It should be a simple day if everything plays out right. But I won't hold my breath given my boss is not here. Again. And it seems like everyone has an issue today.

I am going to turn my radio/ipod up really loud and quietly work. There may be some singing involved. lol

Boring Day

Its been a crazy weekend. Not bad but crazy. I am hoping this week will be relaxing or at least uneventful. Everyone is happy and in a good mood and I am just skeptical. I feel like I missing out on something. Leave it to me to be the cloudy one. I feel like I have lost control of everything. Like I am running around trying to catch up with everyone else. I can usually roll with the punches, but lately I am just sour. I am having to run around and do all this stuff but I am just ready to snuggle in with a good book or a movie and ignore the outside world all together.

Work is going ok. I think work is basically work at this point. I brought some of my fall stuff to warm the place up but I am worried about people destroying my stuff so I am apprehensive about it being there. I am definitely not bringing all my good stuff.

It is so grey outside. Not even really rainy, just a soft boring grey. I love rainy/stormy weather but this is just a plain grey day. Work is boring me, obviously since I am taking time out to blog about how uneventful my life is. lol

I am just listening the radio and my ipod. I am making a grey day play list. :) Well I should also get back to work...or something like that.

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Genealogy forum - Free family tree maker

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebs - Collage - Morph

Summer Blues

I am ready for the end of summer. I have never been a fan of warm weather. I am ready for fall colors and warm scents. I have my Macintosh Apple Yankie Tart burning in my room, all I need now is the weather to give in. I know its still August and not even quite September yet but I give up on summer. Give me the fall colors and cooler weather, I want my sweaters and jackets back.

I finally got leased up to 95% this last week. Work has been crazy and I am hoping the fall/winter season will be cake and we will remain pretty full. I hope so anyway. I have been working off an on all day from home getting the laptop all cleaned up and organized and of course posting bills. Finally have a computer at work is making all the difference, I don't know how we ever made it through without one.

Life is slowly moving on and forward. I still have no real wedding plans set although we are not wanting to push the date back since we have so many friends and family getting married next yet as well. Love is apparently in the air this year lol. I have been looking at millions of wedding pages and books but still have no idea what I really want. Having done this once before does seem to lessen the fun lol. I am just not into the huge crazy wedding stuff and really just want it to be fun and relaxed and something I can enjoy. I just want a huge party, with food and drinks and my friends and family. I am not the stuffy, insane bridezilla's that most brides are. So I think deciding on anything is going to be difficult. I think I am really just going to try and focus on the fun aspect of it and just let the details fall to the wayside.

Mom is doing okay. I am still really worried about her. The doctors told us a few weeks ago that she has hypo-thyroid ism and that she is anemic. They started her on synthroid and are going to have her checked once a month for a while. She has been so tired and her legs are bothering her more and more, again, I don't know if its her blood sugar or something else that is causing it to get worse again but I know its something and that is what worries me. We are still waiting to hear back from Social Security Disability. Apparently they are still waiting for her records from Dr. Donaldson's office, which I have to call and remind them to get on the ball. Hopefully we will hear back from them soon. The sooner the better since money is once again getting tight and the holiday season is quickly approaching.

All in all I suppose things are okay. I'm just walking a fine line everyday from being okay and ...not. With all the crap that goes on in a week, sometimes I just don't have enough time to relax and recharge so I am slowly running out of steam. I keep trying to find an outlet, but so far nothing is working. I am missing something. Like a smile.

I am also missing a shower. I think I am in desperate need of a long hot shower, some lotion, and powder. And some makeup. :S

I am going to attempt to feel human tonight.

Wish me luck.

"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA3twi3iSNQ"

Still Writing

Okay so now I am totally into this song thing and I have been reading and listening to a million different things since I am just in that mood now. Some things stand out to me because they really touch me. So I thought I would post them here.

"He would not stay for me, and who can wonder?
He would not stay for me to stand and gaze.
I shook his hand and tore my heart in sunder
And went with half my life about my ways."
Alfred Edward Housman

The crossroads... where all young hearts wait,for love they cannot know...

I like them because they are sweet, not bitter or fore lorn.

Just true to the heart. :)

I haven't been able to put my pen down the last few days. Something is always sparking inside my brain. I have nothing done and I am unable to share it at the moment. I am just inspired. Enough that it keeps me up nights. I am so tired by the time I go to bed, I can't even remember my dreams. I am up way to late again. And I feel like I will never be back on a normal schedule. I get too caught up in something, a book, a movie, music. I feel like I need to be sedated. Well now it is almost 7 am, time for bed.

G'nite!

Tequila nights lead to interesting mornings

I love Tequila. But I really feel I need to learn to let it go. I get a little too friendly and my inhibitions just fly right out the window. All reasoning skills are swimming around ignoring the warning signs that could get me into trouble. I was very well behaved considering. I keep thinking that someday I should just get shit faced and start writing. I mean I don't hold back and it would all just be unapologetically me. Being worried constantly what everyone will think, and say about me is just ridiculous. I mean I am who I am. I really don't want to apologize constantly for it. I know that I make horrible decisions sometimes, I lack the initiative and drive to do much with my like, and I lack the confidence to put myself out there for people to know, I am naive and silly, I have no follow through, I am wishy washy, jealous, easily intimidated, and a huge worrier. Well and about a million other things as well, but I already know that stuff. Its no surprise. So why do I care?

I find myself trying to constantly reassure myself, that who I am is enough. But enough for what? For who? Some people are never going to see me for who I am. Some people will only see what they want, the good, or the bad. But its the people who have the hearts and minds to see me for all that I am and all that I can be that I desire to be nearest to. And it is honestly very hard to find those people and then to keep them close by. I find it strange sometimes how it never matters who has known me the longest, but rather the people that want to know all they can about me that end up being someone I feel close to. I honestly have very few close friends that I want to be close to. And that makes me honestly a little sad and disappointed. Cause I really genuinely care for some people that could give a crap less about me and my life.

So at this point in my life, I am all about strengthening friendships and making connections with people. I have some really great memories with some truly amazing people, and I feel that at this point in my life, that is part of the things I cherish most in life.

So I am trying to write a song, that tells a very important story. I am not so great at writing songs. So this is really entertaining, in a sad and tragic way, but maybe it will work. We shall see.
I keep going back and forth between something all bleeding and internal to something cheesy and off the sleeve. Once again, I find myself worried about what someone else will think
Ugh,
Tequila.
You make my heart bleed.

I need some sleep. Gnite all.

Sweet dreams.

It's been a while since my last post. I wish I could say it was because I had so much other stuff to deal with, but alas, life is boring as ever. I still have no job, bill are piling up and mom's medical expenses are threatening to blow this ship out of the water. All I get is more and more worried. It's hard to sleep and when I do, I have the oddest reoccurring nightmares. Its insane. I don't know how or why I keep having the same elaborate nightmares, I bet some psychologist would have a field day with me and all my issues. I can never be certain if its from the movies, tv shows and video games I play or if its that combined with stress but my nightmares are of epic proportion and if I could record them, I could make a fortune in the movie business. Really they are spectacular. I just wish I could fully remember them. I might be rich right now and have no worries to stress over if I could manage that.

Dustin and Sky beat Resident Evil 5 last night. It was a long day that stretched well into the wee hours of the morning, but they finally managed to kick its ass. They still have to go back and collect all the treasure and shoot all the BSAA emblems that they missed, but all in all they finished it. I was surprised but up until the very last couple of levels I was able to watch and enjoy the game without the motion sickness. I don't know if it was because of the co-op mode in which it was a split screen or what but I had no real trouble watching until the end which they had to run around alot and I got a headache but over all I was impressed. Sadly it will be forever for the next installment of the story to which I find so interesting.

So that was my week, well except we watched a movie, Blindness. It was interesting, I enjoyed the story though I was expecting something else, it proved to be very thought provoking. I thoroughly enjoyed it, though, I really hadn't heard anything about it which surprises me. I also started Ecplise for the millionth time. I tried, to no avail to read through New Moon slowly, and savor every detail, I just find myself pushing through it to the end. I hope the movie will spark a new appreciation for it, though I doubt I will like it as much as any of the rest. Twilight still makes my heart pitter-pat. And I find I can read it over and over and over and never get bored with it. But I cannot read it and not any of the others. So I had to push through New Moon and have now made it to my next favorite, Eclipse. That one has the most action and tension and wonderful ending of promise. I cannot wait for that movie. Assuming they are going to do all four.

I guess we shall see.

Ugh.

I am just lost.

I am having the hardest time coping with everything. The past couple of weeks have been rough and after everything I decided to quit smoking. I have made it all day with one cigarette, I think I am doing pretty good. I really hadn't thought it through, it was just a spur of the moment thing but I am trying to hang in there and I am not going to allow myself to have more than 3 cigarrettes a day no matter how bad I want them and so far that is working pretty well. I had one at 6 pm and that had been it since late last night in the middle of the Resident Evil battles around 3 am. Not bad if you ask me. But it is difficult. More difficult tham I thought it would be. But I think I can do it.

So I know that I am not in the best of moods just from quitting, but when you combine that with the way I was feeling the past few weeks...I am not in a good place. I think that is why I have been continuously reading and reading and reading my books. Trying to put my mind into something else. I am just trying to be somewhere else right now. Its like I am checking out. Or at the very least, trying to. Everyone I used to hold close and confide in have disappeared and I am stuck holding in all this venom. I just needed a release. I really miss having someone that I could talk to and laugh with. I have all these friends around me and yet no one I really feel that I can trust. How sad.

Well I am going to jump in the shower, grab my book and put on a movie. G'nite!

Feeling a little SPRUNG

I hate spring. I know its a beautiful time of year, with everything growing again and turning green. Flowers, the warmer weather and all that but I just really detest this time of year. The only thing that reflects me is the rain. Rainy days and thunder. Melancholy, me. My dad would have been 64 this year. And that is beyond my wildest imagination. He is forever 45. Younger to me really. I can't see him that way. I was always told that it got easier as you get older. But really to me it just seems like I just keep finding and realizing new things that make me miss him more and more. Missing someone I don't know. I don't know if anyone realizes how absurd that is. Even to me. Ah, I like fall much better anyway. Only a little over half a year to go...ha.

I think Dustin and I are going to go down to the Power and Light District and check out the Shamrock and Shenanigans by 96.5 The Buzz. They are having a free concert down there at KC Live. We still haven't made it down so now sounds like a good as time as any. Plus I will get to see Doug one last time before he off and moves to Denver and listen to some good music. Plus I love St. Patty's Day, it just sucks that it falls in March. But it is supposed to be lovely. Tomorrow too. I need to make a trip to the library and pick up my books that are on reserve. And try and stop by the grocery store.

Ugh okay. Well there is my little update. Oh what fun! lol

A New Year?

Did you make a new years resolution? Did I? Nope. I never get very far with them so I really don't see the point. So I guess that is my new year. Will it be better than the last? It wouldn't take much to top it. So this is the new year? I have to say I expected grander things. I hope this year can prove that its all worth it. I am tarnished. I am dreary and pessimistic. I used to just consider myself to be a realist. But I think I would prefer a dream, I am ready to wake from this horrible nightmare. I am just struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. At the moment it feels more like a bottomless pit.

I need an outlet. I love my friends but I am missing having someone that I can tell anything to. Lately I have been wondering if anyone really has that. I mean I have some great friends that I share things with but no one that I really feel I could share everything with. I have to wonder if that is just one of those things that happens as we get older or if I am just that unwilling to trust anyone. Chalk it up to just having a rough time lately I suppose. I am avoiding dealing with the real world at the moment and I know that I am only hurting myself but I just feel like I am in shut off mode. Everything is just too much for me. I have been rereading the Twilight series and drowning out the real world for a teenage vampire drama series... hmm seems like I tend to do that a lot. Ha ha. Music is really the only other thing saving my sanity at the moment. I just keep trying to drown out the real world and pretend that my life isn't as lost as it seems. But really... who am I kidding? Certainly not myself.

Mom is doing great. She did get fired so she has no insurance at the moment. Which is sooooo not good. I can't even get her help and that's just one more thing I am failing at. Did you ever feel like you were swimming upstream and getting no where? I am taking everyday one minute at a time and just trying to remember how to breath. But it is so hard when you feel like your under water. I am like a roller coaster and I have no idea how anyone can stand to be around me. I am constantly just trying to keep my mind busy so I don't have to sit and think. I have decided to finally go with Margie and Caroline to this reggae bar tomorrow night. I want to try something new, feel out of place, and dance it out. I need some kind of release.

Samantha's mom had triple by-pass this past week and she is recovering. Poor Samantha is having a really rough time since she is all alone with the two girls. I keep trying to keep her spirits up but at this point I having a really rough time doing that for myself. Dustin and I are okay. He's really great, working his butt off everyday. All of this stuff just really puts a strain on our relationship. I mean we have our own issues that we were trying to work on before all this and they have just constantly been pushed to the back burner, which makes it so hard to deal with now when we are still just trying to tread water and get on the right foot. Just one more thing I have to keep trying to pushing back and keep trying to ignoring.

Unwind me

Just pull the string and let me go

I need some sleep. A long long and deep sleep. Preferably with a wonderful dream. Ugh. Well I could ramble and complain from now until the end of eternity but really. where would that get me?

G'nite.

Here's to sweet dreams.