MOVIN' ON UP!!

So Sorry! I have been a bad girl and not posting like I am supposed to. Shame. Shame. Shame. So now I have all this catching up to do. Goodness, where do I begin? Well I peed in a cup on Friday and had dinner with my mom. Had a crappy Friday which was to be expected since it was my fathers birthday. Then Saturday I spent shopping for rubber duckies and baby shower stuff for Samantha with my mom, then I went over to Samantha's. We hung out, ate, avoided Dustin. Then I went home and watched Sense and Sensibility for the 100th time and then went to bed once Dustin got home from dinner with his dad. Sunday was more of the same . Dustin and I went over to Samantha and Hooties and ended up staying the night. Monday we stayed again. We played games, watched movies and finally started making up. Tuesday we woke up and went looking for an XBOX 360 for Dustin and came home and took a shower, ate at Subway, went to Sky's Senior Art Show at Winnatonka, then went over to Wind and Jenny's where we played StarWars Monopoly and Dustin and Wind preceeded to get shit faced drunk. I finally got Dustin home and in bed. We talked and he finally fell asleep watching Angel. Then we got up extra early yesterday and continued the search for the XBOX 360 at 5 million stores the didn't have any and had no idea when they would be in. We also went up to his work and celebrated Pam's Birthday before she left for her vacation. We also stopped in at Blockbuster and that is where Dustin had some luck. We rented some movies and he talked to the guy at Blockbuster and apparently the guy is going to sell him him XBOX 360 since he needs new tires on his car. So when we FINALLY made it home we had gotten everything done that we needed to at least and we played a little of Fatal Frame 2: Crimson Butterfly and watched an episode of Angel. Oh well gee, I think I did leave something out. Tuesday when we came home to take a shower, low an behold the phone rang. It was Westco offering me the Apartment Management Position at Broadway Studios. I start Monday!!!!!! Okay so I saved the best for last. But of course I did. Life has been beating me down and now it is finally looking up. I am soo excited and can't wait. SO I though I had better check in and share the good news! I need to run cause I HAVE TO START PACKING!! WOOOHOOO!

Dinner and Crying

Where's the rain? Where is the thunder and the lightning to drownd out my screams? I had such high hopes for today. Instead it's just a good day to sleep the night away. Friday means nothing. It's a bad bad day.

Happy Birthday Dad.

I went and peed in the cup for the job. Then came home and called my mom to see if she wanted to go to dinner with me tonight, since its my dads birthday. I thought maybe it would be nice for her and I to get away for the night. Enjoy each others company and while we did. Our anger and grief and utter miserable moods overtook our mexican dinner. And our Margarita's. Jesse got caught shoplifting at Sears. They didn't take him to jail, but next time they will. He is 17 and he keeps acting like he is soo grown up but then he pulls this shit and proves that all he is, is a dumb ass kid who understands nothing and thinks he knows everything. I am soo frustrated with him. Nothing ever gets better. It is just as my mother says, its a glimpse of the beautiful light and then it is ripped away. Its a shimmer in the dark. I miss it. I miss the light, the warmth and the pureness. I am tired of having everything I touch turn into shit. Ugh!

Well I don't know what else to say. My heads running 400 miles per second and all of it I just wish would go away. I am making a cd and then I am taking it up to my room, jumping in the shower then laying in bed. I'm pulling up the covers, crying until the tears just won't come anymore and then I will sleep. And I hope I never wake up.

A New Day

Cross your finger, hold your mouth right and wish, wish, wish. I had an interview today for an Apartment Manager position for a company here in Gladstone, Missouri. I am beyond excited since they told me after the interview they would call me Monday and see if I could come in for a second interview. But then a couple of hours after I made it home, they called and want me to come in tomorrow for the interview and the drug test. They want to talk salary and all that fun stuff. I am soo excited. It would be a really great jumping off point. This complex is only 100 units. But imagine in a few years I could jump to a 200-300 complex. Its all so exciting. It seems I have a knack for this stuff. I am just so excited. Hopefully this time tomorrow I will be worrying about moving and packing up all my stuff. Well I don't want to get ahead of myself. Dustin is very excited. Even though the apartment would be small, it would be our very own. And I would actually be able to save up and get a new car. A NEW CAR! Not a used one but a brand freaking new one. I would have insurance after 30days which means I could go to the doctor and have my shit taken care of. It would be amazing. It's close to everyone and I wouldn't have to drive to work. I am just soo excited. Okay. Enough. I don't want to set myself up for a huge let down. Ya know?

So lets see. What else have I been up to? Hanging out with Samantha and Hootie. Samantha and I watched Pride and Prejudice, and Just Friends which was hilarious. We played Scrabble for 4 hours. LOL We're nuts. Other than that, Dustin and I made it through the 6th Season of Buffy and have now started on the 7th, same thing on Angel only its season 4 that we are now on. I am anxious to make it through them all and then start them again so that this time I can see the Special Features and the little extras that Josh Wheadon included. We also borrowed Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. We saw it in the theater but I am excited to start them from the beginning and see them all the way through. We did that with the Freddy movies, Lord of the Rings, and Indiana Jones. I prefer it that way. Then I get the whole picture again. I am currently trying to find the rest of Kingdom Hospital since I never saw them all the way through. So I guess we shall see.

I am not sure what is on tonight. Or tomorrow for that matter. I have a feeling this weekend we will end up over at Samantha and Hooties. I would really lile to go to the Snake Saturday Parade. But I don't think there is anyone that can or will go with me. I will have to call everyone and see tomorrow night. For now dinner is done and there are some good shows on so I am going to run.
Keep your fingers crossed and say your prayers!

Monday! Good Morning!

Good Morning!

I can't believe it's Monday morning and I am this chipper. I am still sleepy but I thought I would jump on here and post a little something. Dustin and I talked Saturday once he made it home and while nothing is perfect, things are good. I have been in such a funk lately with the whole job hunt going so slow and my mother getting sick and me getting a cold and all that mess. It's definitely taking a toll on me. But hopefully things will get better. I am crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.


Yesterday was my uncle Jeff's, and Dustin's mom Judy's Birthday. The morning wasn't so nice but the day turned out to be sunny and warm. We went over to his mom's after he got off work and we had barbecue Pizza and breadsticks with her. It had been a while since I had barbecue Pizza. It was really really good. I wish we had the foresite to bring some home cause right now that sounds really good. Anyone out there not like cold pizza? YUM! Anyways, so then we had to stop and get Jeff a French Silk Pie. He gets one for his birthday every year and we wouldn't want to break tradition. So all in all it was a great day. Weather included.

It's hard to believe spring is almost here. I am so excited. Dustin and I have lots of plans for this summer. For his birthday I am getting us Worlds of Fun passes. And we plan on going camping this spring, summer and fall. I am not so good at the hot summer camping so we will start in spring and go until I melt. I am excited about Aligha Drew and Isabella Simone and this summer as well. There is lots of fun to be had. We have been talking about a fun barbecue to kick off spring before the baby's get here. Dustin got an amazing grill this past summer and I have been dying to use it. I just can't wait to get out of this dreary winter mood and into a fun springy one. I am sure everyone else is anxious as well. LOL


Okay well I am starving! I need food. So I am going to search the house for something yummy to eat. And I will share nothing with you! Nothing! It's all for ME!

Okay hungry fat girl, sorry. LATER!

Another Bitch Session

Listening to Academy Is - Almost Here


I am feeling a little low today. I know, I know. What's new, right? Funny thing is I really don't feel like getting into it. Not really anyways. I just wanted some place to vent and what the hell is this thing useful for if not to vent. I really just want to go to sleep. I want to sleep this feeling away. I wish I could shed my body and just forget about all the stupid things that keep infesting my mind. I want to be someone else today. I want to go somewhere else. If my skin could change colors, today I would be grey, maybe a blue grey. I feel like I could turn invisible at any moment. Maybe its for the best. I think I would like to just fade away into nothing. That is the way to day feels. A big nothing. That is moving by so slowly. It's like watching everything in slow motion. The rain, the people, the time. Every horrible thought. It's endless.

I could tell you what got me here. But it's pointless. Everyday is a repeat of the one before and I am losing track of the good days. It's one of those things, another issue. Another thing. And it all just adds up since he won't listen and doesn't want to change. Or can't. It's all the same. And this merry-go-round just keeps going and I am too stupid to get off.

Aqualung - Aqualung, Falling Out of Love

I watch the sun
See it rise and fall
Waiting for something to change
I get through the day
Hope to turn things around
Seems like
I'm falling out of love
Feeling alone
With you by my side
Further and further away
Funny how long
A moment can seem
When you're trying to hold on
Feels like I'm falling out of love


That's what it feels like. In a nutshell. I'm tired of feeling like love is not returned. It's ever so tiring being insecure. I know I am fat. Huge even. No one needs to tell me. Or pretend it doesn't matter. When I know it does. I am so tired of wanting to be perfect. For everyone. I'm tired of feeling like a piece of shit. It's old. So very old. I want the quite contentment that comes from just being happy with myself. I don't know if I will ever have that.

Dustin and I are...stretched. I wish I could say I knew what he felt. But in truth...I have no idea. And that is makeing me cry. Just admitting that. I look at him and just don't know. I have no clue. I don't know if when he says, I love you, he meants it. Honestly, I don't doubt that he loves me though. I just don't think he loves me like I love him. He can be soo selfish. He doesn't even see it. It's like men have this thing about selfishness. I wish I could say I can stand up to him and say HEY! YOUR BEING SELFISH! and then he would see it and realize it and then he would stop. But with him, its just words. They mean nothing. And he looks at me. And I know he is thinking bad things about me. And while he would never say them. I can feel them. And I think yep, there's the stuff he hides from me.

I want to trust him. But I can't. I want to know he loves me like I love him, but he doesn't. And most days I can deal with that. I can deal. It hurts but I don't want to walk away. But sometimes, it builds and builds and then boom. I well up, I struggle, I get angry and let all that hurt out and I cry. Today, its all day. I think about him and my eyes well up and I cry. I don't think I am above anyone. I think maybe we all need to hurt and maybe its my time to hurt. Maybe he is the one supposed to hurt me. I am supposed to lust, and love him completely and he is meant to twist me into knots. I wish I could talk to Samantha. She may not be able to say the right things and I may disagree with alot she says about Dustin, but she gets it. Just like I do with her. We know that pain intimately. The love that isn't there. The guy that doesn't feel what we feel in return. The way you want to be someone else, look different, be different if it meant they would. But you can't so you pretend that its enough. But I am just a fat girl. A girl with no future. A girl with no hope. And who could possibly love a girl like me the way I love him?

Signed Sincerely - Me