Just Breathing

It's been an interesting week. I am thinking I must be going through some sort of crisis. I am not mid or quarter so I haven't a clue what is going on with me. I am utterly lost. I feel like I am free falling and grasping at anything I see. I am spiraling out of control. I wish I had someone that I could just be honest. I miss real friendships that were raw and honest. I mean I love my friends but there is always one reason or another that I can't just say what I mean, act on how I feel. I am contantly questioning my reactions and feeling about things, in case they need to be sensored. Its rather pathetic.

I have one hour left before I get to go home. I am finishing up a book and ready to move onto a new one. I am ready for a nap and some dinner. Still trying to decided what to eat but I am sure I will come up with something. Someone is coughing up a storm in the Fitness Center, with all the sickness going around I have to wonder why the fuck people do not stay the fuck home. If I take this crap home with me to my sick mother, it is going to be very very bad. What is wrong with people? Ugh. This day could not be over fast enough for me.

Oh well. I thought venting would help. But I really just miss having a good friend that I can be myself with.


Oh well.

Twenty Nine

Me at 29.

All I can think is "Good grief". Nothing original, perhaps I have Charlie Brown on my mind. I didn't sleep very well. I kept having strange dreams. All I kept thinking while my alarm when off is " I don't want to get out of bed". Which is unusual for me. I love birthdays. I am not bothered by the getting older, just the feeling older part which didn't start until today. I am slightly saddened by the thought that I am now 29. I should be excited and happy but instead I am slightly pessimistic about the whole thing. I am trying to be excited for this new year and what is to come. I have been through a lot of shit in my life and I feel as equipped as I possibly could be at this point for the next chapter of my life to take shape and unfold. Dread is a natural response, to a point so I guess I should just relax and enjoy the ride.

I have no idea what I even want to do to celebrate this occasion. I would like to go see a psychic. Perhaps as a way to put a little promise into the future. She could lie but as long as she makes it sound good :) lol I want to drink a little too much and pretend that with my health I am not getting one step closer to the grave, and I would like to enjoy the company of my friends. I need a good laugh.

Its a great fall day. If it was a sunnier I would say the perfect fall day for my birthday. But the rain clouds are mirroring my mood, and threatening rain...no crying on my birthday. I had enough of that last year. To think that one year ago I was watching my mother crash in her hospital bed, doesn't do much to improve my mood, except that she is still here. So its another birthday I get with my mother. And that is a really great birthday wish come true.

I need a drink. This birthday shit is just crazy to me now. I am a true lover of birthdays but this one seems slightly tainted. Damn 29, if it wasn't so close to 30. For which I am dreading more than I can ever say.

Dustin's mom is so wonderful. She cooked me an amazing Pot Roast dinner...my very favorites :) And a Jamoca Almond Fudge Ice Cream Cake from Basken Robbins along with the new Beatles Rock Band. She is so great. Its a ton of fun and I love singing all my favorite songs. Dustin got me perfume, Be Delicious. My new favorite perfume that I have been dying for. I love it but haven't had a chance to wear it yet. Everyone has been great. :)

Okay well I am working, yep. Working on my birthday. I am going to try and entertain myself for a little while longer and then eat my Jimmy Johns sandwich. Yummy.

Personality Profile

If Today is Your Birthday: October Thirteenth
Personality Profile for People Born on October 13
The following descriptions reveal some of the characteristics of people who share a birthday—those who are born on October 13th of any year—based on various methods used in Astrology and Numerology. Both Astrology and Numerology reveal much more depth when a birth year, and in the case of the former, a birth time and place are included.
The Astrology & Numerology of your Birthday
Your Sun is in Libra in the Gemini decanate and the Aries quadrant.
The ruler of your Sun is Venus. Venus bestows a charming, sometimes indulgent nature, with a love of comfort and peace.
Secondary rulers of your decanate and quadrant signs are Mercury and Mars. Mercury adds an analytical, intelligent, and communicative side to your nature, and Mars adds spunk and assertiveness.
Your Personality Profile:
You have a sharp mind and a great love of debate, justice, and the law. Always seeking answers and balance, you are inquisitive and not afraid toexpress contrary opinions, yet you do so in a rather tactful manner. You are both practical and responsible. Not afraid of hard work, you can be quitesuccessful in your career, although you need a strong sense that you are moving forward in order to feel motivated. If you are expressing a tendency to scatter your energies, it’s a sure sign that you are lacking this kind of motivation. With your quiet demeanor, it might surprise people who don’t know you well that you possess strong convictions.
hard-working – just – responsible
Margaret Thatcher, born October 13, 1925 The first female primeminister of the United Kingdom, nicknamed the “Iron Lady”.
Chris Carter, born October 13, 1956CreatedThe X-Files
Paul Simon, born October 13, 1941 Singer,song-writer.
Your Sun Sign

Libra the Scales
Libra is fair-minded, socially aware, and likable. Uncomfortable with anything that throws things out of balance, Libra aims towards harmony and equality. Decisions are often hard to make, and when there are too many of them to make, they can feel drained. Oftentimes they’ll procrastinate so they don’t have to settle on a solution or answer. This is because Libra always sees both sides to any situation. Partnerships are extremely important to Libra–Librans don’t like to go it alone. For the most part, Libra is accommodating and concerned about keeping the peace.
Libra, the scales: Planet: Venus; Element: Air; Quality: Cardinal; Color: pink or green; Day: Friday; Stone: Opal; Part of Body Ruled: adrenal glands, kidneys; Motto: I weigh; Energy: Yang
Fixed Star(s) Near Your Sun:
Sun Conjunct MufridThis fixed star has a Mercury/Saturn influence, endowing you with a clever mindand a subtle sense of humor. You should be prosperous in your work, but you maybe inclined to excesses. You have an affinity for country/rural life.
Progressed Sun: Turning Points in the Life
We carry our Sun sign with us throughout our entire lives. If I’m a Libra, I’ll always be a Libra. However, in secondary progressions, the Sun “progresses” in a symbolic sense through our natal Sun sign, and then beyond it to subsequent signs. Secondary progressions are “a day for a year”, and because the Sun moves just under one degree per day, our Sun symbolically progresses just short of one degree every year of our lives. Because there are 30 degrees for every sign, if I were born in the latter days of a Libra Sun, my Sun would progress to the sign of Scorpio in my early childhood, and to the sign of Sagittarius in my early to mid-30’s. If I were born near the beginning of a Libra Sun, however, my progressed Sun would enter Scorpio close to my 30th birthday, and to Sagittarius in my late 50’s. The changeover of signs marks a critical turning point in a person’s life. At the very end of a sign (just before changing signs), individuals may make life-changing, impulsive decisions.
Your progressed Sun enters Scorpio at age 10. The ages of 9 to 11 mark a critical turning point in the development of your personality. Circumstances are such that you develop a slightly thicker skin. You become more passionate and have less of a need to rely on others for support, and your power to make decisions improves.
Your progressed Sun enters Sagittarius at age 40. The ages of 39 to 41 mark a critical turning point in the development of your personality. After some sort of crisis of consciousness, and perhaps elimination of circumstances that have been limiting your growth, you begin to feel lighter, more free, and decidedly more outgoing. Your desire to learn increases, and your sense of humor is enriched.
Degree Meanings of your Sun:
20Scorpio
Sabian Symbol:
Sabian symbols present imagery associated with the degreeof your Sun in Libra. Either of the following may apply, depending on the exactdegree of your Sun:
If Sun is 19-20 degrees Libra:
“A Rabbi Performing His Duties”
If Sun is 20-21 degrees Libra:
“A Sunday Crowd Enjoying The Beach”
Harmonic Degree Meaning:
The following is the degree meaning of your Sun (20degrees Libra) based onharmonic sign influences.
“Mature, sober, reflectivedisposition. Intelligent. Inclined towards academic or business pursuits. Interested in wide-ranging ideas, communications, and travel.”
Numerology of October 13
You were born on the 13th day, which reduces to a 4. People born on this day are usually quite responsible and ambitious. Willing to work hard for some kind of recognition for your efforts, you have a need to achieve, yet you are not an aggressive go-getter either. You make your way quietly yet progressively.Factoring in the 10th month of October, you are a number 5. You have a need for stimulation and motivation in all areas of your life, even though, overall, you are not an especially restless person. Factoring in your birth year gives you your Birth Path Number—a highly personal number for you.
Birthday Forecast for You
2009 will be a Number Seven year for you. Ruled by Neptune. This is a year of preparation, chance, and refinement. It is not a time of dramatic changes. Instead, it’s a year when reflection on the past is helpful, and when refinements to your life path should be made. It’s a good year to study and analyze. Unexpected twists to your life story and “chance” meetings are probable. Advice – take stock of your life in order to prepare for more exciting years to come, examine the past and plan for the future, get in touch with your deepest needs and uncover your personal power, don’t strain yourself or actively try to expand.
You Are Drawn to People Born on…
Easy, subtle attraction and harmony: You don’t feel an irresistible pull towards each other, but over time, appreciate the peace you have between you. These people are good for you, although they might not challenge you to grow.
February 4-14, June 6-16, August 9-16, December 9-16
On-again, off-again attraction. This is a complex connection, and you make an odd yet interested couple.
March 9-13, May 9-13, September 11-15, November 11-15
A mysterious attraction that can be very romantic…or completely platonic! This is a spiritual connection that has a magical quality to it.
January 22-26, June 26-30, August 19-23, December 1-5
Opposites attract. Push me, pull me. You could complement each other well if you allow yourselves to learn from each other, or you could actively war against each other.
April 5-15
Attraction of the soul; challenging, intense, rich, and binding.
August 31-September 4, November 21-25
Powerful, tumultuous attraction–you are aware of the distinct differences between you, but may be drawn to each other because of the simultaneous awareness of a need and a lack. Either the relationship is ongoing and obviously tumultuous and of a “love-hate” nature, or it flows well until it breaks unexpectedly.
January 6-16, February 22-26, May 25-29, July 7-17, August 26-30, October 8-18, November 26-30
Creative, communicative, inspiring, and spiritually rewarding connections.
March 3-7, May 15-19, July 29-August 2, December 22-26
In the Cards…
Today’s playing cards are based on an ancient system similar to the Tarot. Each birthday of the year is associated with a main playing card, the Birth Card, and each tells its own story.
The card associated with your birthday is the Nine of Clubs. You believe in the power of intention. You know how to “network”, possess people skills, and you are adept at combining business and pleasure. Your love card is the Two of Hearts, suggesting a real need for partnership andfamily. You are very sensitive and intuitive in love.

Ugh, I hate the 5th of the month. Not as much as I hate the 6th, but since the days are one right after the other, I think I just hate the first week of the month. Rent, late rent, notices, Evictions, and all the other unpleasant stuff. Poop! With Holly still not in the office I am fielding all the traffic, all the work orders, all the questions, all the complaints, all the generally shitty stuff. I am so tired. My check this month better be worth it, damn it.

I am turning up the radio in hopes of distracting my mind from all the craziness of work. That's right, I am taking a break. And since I am trying to stop smoking, instead of lighting up, I am using my music to soothe me, damn foiled by a ringing phone and someone else paying rent.

Grrr... no wonder I am having such a difficult time not smoking! At least when I am smoking I am out of the office, away from the phone for 15 damn minutes.

Is it 6 o'clock yet?

"Help I'm alive, my heart keeps beating like a hammer. "

One more hour.

I am so ready to go home. Tonight is Heroes! I still haven't watched it from last week. I will have to hurry home in order to catch up in time for tonight's episode. Oh well, back to work. :(