Recovering

I swear I am not an idiot. I did everything the doctors told me to. I am still in pain and I am still bleeding. I am just certain...something is wrong. Or something is screwed up and I really am scared that its going to mean I can never be a mom. I am just so mad. Mad that I went through with the proceedure when I know how horrible my luck is. Mad that if I hadn't gone through with it, I would have ended up possibly worse off but I will never know. I am just so scared and I wish I had someone to talk to right now. I am so tired of trying to be okay when I'm not. Tired of hoping for the best when I know I am going to get the short end of the stick. I want to scream and yell and kick and just go back. There are just so many things I wish I could redo. I just can't breathe. I am so worried and scared and I just wish I could make this go away. I still hurt. I continue to have sharp pains, I have no money and I just continue to miss work. So I will have less and less money to pay all these dammn doctor bill I am accumulating. I am slowly sinking, and in so many more ways than one. And I can't even have a drink. Ha! Here I am, trying to be good. I am trying to lose weight, get my blood sugar under control, get my life all straightened out and for what!? So I can have my dreams get sucked away. I am trying so hard. And I just don't know what to do any more.

Sorry I think too much.

Sorry it has been so long since I have written. There has been so much crap going on lately. At this point I am just trying to make it through. I try and be a positive thinker. It's just really difficult when everything seems to be working against me. I really don't want to get on here and start dragging on about how my life sucks and how I feel like I have lost all hope. It's depressing and boring, but I don't feel comfortable talking to people about it. Everyone wants me to be so okay with everything and I just have to keep pretending that I am okay, when I really just want to give up. I am such a loser sometimes. I apologize to any and everyone that I continue to bother with all this crap. But sometimes I just need to let all this poison out. I think it helps sometimes just to release it all out into the world.

I am irritated by my job. It's a never ending struggle and just when you think you've gotten ahead, it yanks you right back down. I really like working in property management, but I can't help but think there has to be something better...somewhere. With all my health issues and problems I need a job that can provide some serious insurance to help ease the financial burden of the doctor and pharmacy bills. It' not cheap to be alive and its even more expensive to be healthy. Especially when I am so far away from being healthy. I think I am going to quit smoking though. I really don't want to but I know I need to. But we will see. I always start off with grand intentions. I am a great thinker with lousy follow through.

4 days and counting till my surgery. Sometimes I don't know why I get so worked up.

Life is full of bumps. This is one I can get over. Maybe it will save me. Maybe. But I know me, and my luck. I know of all the things in life, this could contribute to taking away the one thing in the world that I want. So to me minor is not what this is to me. As the day gets closer I just keep thinking about it. I try and distract myself and it works for a little while but then I end up wanting to go crawl back under the covers. Today I thought maybe if I just expressed some of my anxieties it would help me to calm down. I guess we will see if it helps or not. I really don't know how to deal with having this big threat to my life's happiness. I am scared to admit I may never to be a mom. Just thinking it breaks me into a million pieces. I already have so many problems and to add insult to injury this surgery could make it even harder. I just don't know what to do. No one can tell me its going to be alright. Because I will just strangle the life out of them. Nothing is all right. I am just so scared and terrified. I just need a little bit of hope and faith. And right now I can't find either.

Well, I think its time to put the smile back on.

Later.