What are YOU doing this glorious Sunday?

Sunday. Being unemployed means the weekends aren't as grand as they used to be. Sunday for me is another day that I grab the paper and search endlessly for some glimmer of hope, that all is not lost. But at the moment its just a long day. It's hot in this damn house. The a/c's been on the fritz all damn summer. It has to be 90 in our bedroom. And even in the basement I am sweating my ass off. Today is lost on me. I just want to get the fuck outta here and drive far, far away. I need music and some scenery to lift my soul. Instead I have been wrestling a baby gate for the cat that the damn dogs can get through, thinking about all my damn dirty room and how I have no space for anything. I've been moping around all day with this horrible feeling in my gut and tears that just well up mysteriously in my eyes. It's a glorious day. Can't someone just shoot me now? Ugh.

My damn I-pod is upstairs and since I don't want to wake up Dustin I am politely pissed and sitting here bitching to my blog. I talked to my mom for a few minutes. I am the busiest unemployed person. Somehow even though I have nothing to do, I can still never manage to do the things I want or need to. I have a list of shit that could span the rest of time. And still nothing is done. I have such high hopes, and yet I am completely unmotivated to do anything. I am such a winner. lol

Sigh.

I wonder what some of the other billions of people are doing at this moment. I am wondering what Dustin is dreaming about upstairs. What my mom is thinking at this moment. Are people walking through the park, holding hands? Is someone screaming loudly and dancing around their living room? Sleeping in a chair? Reading a book? What are they listening to? What are they thinking? I am so tired of thinking about my life, and sometimes it would be nice to just take a break and see how someone else is doing. Maybe I would learn something.

For now I think I am just going to settle for a cigarette and the blue sky. Who knows, maybe the world will open up and answer all my questions. Or not.

What's it like to be THAT BITCH?

Today was one of those days where you wish you could be someone else. Not that it was a horrible day or anything , and that's kind of the whole point. I wonder if I am the only person I know who has days like that. I wouldn't claim to be the only person to EVER feel this way because I am to unoriginal and dull to be the only person in the whole world to loath themselves like I do. lol For anyone who is looking to be uplifted, skip this blog! Unless you'd like to put your life into perspective. Friends have always been a tricky thing for me. I don't hate people, I am human and I am catty at times but quite honestly most people I wish well and have no real hate in me. I realize I am quite naive about peoples natures and tend to think better of people and situations than I should. And all of this has cost me quite a bit. I have scars that I hide very well. But for the people I call my friends I have to wonder, shouldn't I expect more help than hurt. Maybe I ask too much of people, even people that I care about. I know that not every thought or thing that has come out of my mouth has been kind and maybe I am getting nothing but what I deserve. But sometimes what seems like a simple statement or joke can cut deep when they come from someone you consider a friend.

So today I wanted to be one of those people that can fight back. I wanted to be the bitch and put people in their place. I wanted to be one of those people who knows their worth. Even if it was just for a few fleeting moments. But instead I had to try and let it roll off my back. Maybe its just the timing. I mean, I am not in a great place at the moment. Mentally I am constantly beating myself up and then trying to pick myself back up. Its brutal in my head. And maybe I don't need any reminders to be not so sure of myself.

Time doesn't change things as much as everyone tells you it does. Or at least not for me.

The heavy, thick the air won't flow through me

It's tight and scary and I just want to breath deep

No more nightmares till I can fall back asleep

Where is the slightest bit of release?

Time just ticks by and I am turning blue

Remembering those images like old movies

True true true, and then its just hard to move

And I wake to wonder what to do with you.

Does it get easier, with each sharp intake

I feel pieces fracture, suddenly

Randomly break and change the shape

Until all the remains is a shaky base

How do we build anything on something so unsafe?

What do you do with all the anxiety that drives you mad in the middle of the night? When my brain won't stop the destructive chatter. I cannot distinguish the helpful and hateful thoughts from one another anymore. They have all blended together to form this gigantic mess in my head as soon as my head hits the pillow after nights like this I cannot silence them enough to actually sleep. I tell myself that I know everything will eventually be alright. One way or the other, whether its because I am dead or because life just moves right along. But for tonight I am once again another tear drop closer to forming my own lake.