William "Liam" Thomas Miller

Since I had the LEEP Procedure a couple of years ago to deal with the cancerous cells that were growing on my cervix, I had to go in and have the doctors check my cervix to make sure it was not too thin and that it wouldn't open too early. I was a little worried since I have had so many different problems and issues but I found out that everything looks good and they checked the size of the baby ( now 7 oz. ) and we got to see his little wee wee!! Yep, its a boy! We were very excited and Dustin all but danced when we found out. He is a little mover and though I still have not felt anything yet, they keep telling me it won't be long now. And that was two weeks ago. I am officially half way through the pregnancy as of this week. YEAH!!!

We also spent a lot of time talking about names and joking about names but ultimately it was a VERY easy choice. Both Dustin and I, have grandfathers who were named William and Dustin knows how strongly I wanted to honor my dad. So after playing around with nicknames and the arrangement of the names we settled on William Thomas Miller. We are calling him Liam, as a shorter form of William. And we both loved it. After saying it was both of our first choices we decided we wouldn't love any name more than this one because it just feels right. In my heart when we said it I couldn't imagine any other name fitting our little miracle.

The next couple of weeks are going to be kind of crazy since we move in a week and then we have the other ultrasound to check on our lil Liam and then we will have unpacking and my *dreaded* 30th Birthday. Ugh. I am more than thrilled to be moving into  a bigger place and to be able to start putting together Liam's room in December. This year was certainly a special one and its sooo hard to believe that next year is going to be even better. Its pretty amazing! 

So glad fall is finally here and I am even more excited to get through to winter and closer to having Liam and introducing him to the world. For now, he's baking and I can't wait to feel my little guy moving and grooving. Soon...

16 Weeks & Still Feeling Ill

So as of today I am 16 weeks! 4 months along. Things have changed over the last 8 weeks. I ended up being transferred to Truman Medical Centers High Risk Diabetes OB Clinic, and had to stay in the hospital over the weekend (7-17-10 through 7-19-10)while they adjusted my insulin levels. I am now on insulin, and my blood sugar is amazing! I have been going every week to the clinic and they have been monitoring mom and baby very closely. This last month I have been going every week to the clinic and they have been doing an ultrasound to get the babies heartbeat and make sure its all ok. Things are going well. I have been having horrible headaches! I mean killer! And then the last few days I have been sicker than a dog. It's been a BAD few days.

Overall everything has been amazing. Basically I am trying to just keep a positive attitude and make this baby feel loved no matter how crappy I feel! lol I bought a set of headphones to help educate the baby on good music while its stuck in my womb. At the moment we are listening to a little Mama's and the Papa's and some Van Morrison. I have decided that the baby must HATE food. Which is a HUGE disappointment to me. I am telling you my appetite is next to nothing and I only eat because I have to take my damn insulin. In the beginning all I kept thinking was all the fruit and veggies I was going to eat for this baby... and let me tell you...this baby doesn't like ANY FOODS! I am living off MultiGrain Cheerios and Fruit Cheerios. lol Anyone who knows me, knows this is some sad mistake. I am hoping that the further along I get, this horrible sickness will magically fade away. I am hoping!

We had our first ultrasound where they do the 14 week testing a couple of weeks ago and they seemed to think everything looked good. I am going to have to have my cervix checked in two weeks I think, since I have had the LEEP procedure and they are concerned about my cervix holding up. So we should know more about that soon. We got some pictures of the baby and that was amazing, we got to see it moving and kicking and hear its little heartbeat. It was beautiful.

We only have one more month till we get to find out the sex of our little miracle. October 5th. Dustin's dad's birthday. Right after we move, we will be able to tell everyone what we are having. I am beyond excited. And I am still anxiously awaiting this lil munchkins punches and kicks, although I know before long I will be wishing for the quieter days and nights lol. I go in this Thursday and will find out the results of my blood tests as well as getting my insulin levels checked and once again getting to hear our lil munchkins heartbeat. I don't care how many times we do it, it never gets old.

Packing has not begun. With one month to go until we move I thought we would be more prepared, but with me not feeling well, and no one else motivated to get the shit done it has stalled out. Hopefully next week I will be feeling a little better because we have to get it done. I have a lot of stuff that we need to get rid of, and even more that needs to be packed - and organized! So wish me luck with that! :P

So I guess that's about it. I am old and lame. I finally went out with Margie last Thursday for reggae night but had to bail out early. Life is moving on...and its definitely changing already. It's an amazing thing, life. This year has been the most amazing by far, and next year is gonna blow this one out of the water! I have a million things to give thanks for, a million things to thank God for. It's been a really really rough road getting to this point, and I know there is so much more to come. Yep. Life is just freaking amazing.

The Best Things

Wednesday, we found out that I am 8 weeks pregnant and due February 9th, 2011. It was a crazy and stressful day since the night before I started spotting. We had to wait and wait, of course. I had my blood work done, my TB test, they tried to do a Doppler and hear the heart beat but we couldn't and when the doctor did the pap smear she said she was concerned about the amount of bleeding she was seeing so she made an appointment for us to go have an ultrasound that day to make sure the baby wasn't in the wrong spot. Which of course sent me into panic mode. Poor Dustin had to go to work so Margie came back with me to see the radiologist. After all the crazy waiting  Margie and I got to see this little spot and found out that I was 8 weeks along to the day, and that the heart beat was 150 bpm. Luckily after seeing the doctor she cancelled the appointment for the following week and said that I could schedule an appointment for 2 weeks later. But I am not allowed to work, and I am on bed rest. It took a couple of resting days but I am now not spotting anymore. So hopes are up, despite my high risk. I quit smoking, am faithfully taking my prenatal vitamins, I am not lifting or anything, I am trying to eat right and take all precautions. We started looking at 3 bedroom apartments since we are going to need a bigger place soon. I am trying to keep a cool and calm head since I get sooo excited just thinking about a baby's room. Its hard to be logical when the most important dream in your life is coming true. But I truly feel blessed, and I am not taking a single day for granted.

So I am sitting inside, relaxing this 4th of July. And I am completely okay with it. I may take a nap and finish my book. I am going to be doing quite a lot of reading at this rate :)

Happy 4th of July!!! Hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday.

Hateing my Wedding but Loving my Groom

The wedding is drawing ever closer and I have to say, I will be so glad when all the wait is over. I am beyond excited to be marrying my best friend. And even more excited to spend the rest of our lives laughing and living, and building our lives together. But weddings bring out the oddest behavior in people. I have seen and heard so many odd things lately. People I genuinely consider to be very good friends, saying the most horrible things about marriage and about Dustin and I getting married. I would never have believed it had I not basically witnessed some of it. It saddens my heart to think that people I care about would think such horrible things of both Dustin and I. I am not foolish to think that people think horrible things or even say them to others, honestly I know I am guilty of disapproving and talking about others on occasion, though in truth, it has hardly ever been maliciously. I am no angel! But when it comes to my friends, I believe they know what I think and feel about them. No one is perfect. No one should be expected to be perfect. Sometimes it just hurts that even though we are almost 30 years old, instead of opening our mouths and talking like grown ups about issues we have, we talk about each other behind our backs.

It feels like this wedding will bring to light all the cracks in the damaged friendships. Which is really funny considering its usually the bride and groom that have to worry with all the details and the money and the stress. Instead, we are both very strong in our love and less in our friendships. You would think we were these spoiled money grubbing Bride & Groom Zilla's. Which is hilarious because we are just the opposite. Our Wedding is as broke as we are. lol But that's not what its about, and I think there are A LOT of people that need to WAKE UP and realise that. When we decided to get married, we just wanted to celebrate with our friends and family. It makes me so incredibly sad to think that the people I wanted most to celebrate with us, are the same ones that are bad mouthing us at every turn. It really makes you think.

Late Night Thinking

It's amazing the things you watch when you are up late at night, infomercials, reruns of old TV shows, black and white movies, talk shows, and every now and again you stumble across something that hits home. Most of my recent night time TV escapades have resulted in nothing more than late mornings, but I finally watched a couple of movies that I never had the chance to watch before, Elisabethtown. I had always heard it was terrible but I never let that keep me away from something I think might be interesting. In the end, I loved it! It's not an Oscar nominee or anything but it hit home with me.

I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open! lol Thank goodness for spell check. :) *BIG YAWN* So tired. Shuffling over wedding plans and trying to get things done. I started this with more of a level head. I mean we have no money. Especially now that I am unemployed. We aren't doing anything huge. It's basically whatever we can throw together. We are doing the food ourselves. But its something big to me. As it quickly approaches I am having more and more anxiety. It's big to me. Marrying the man I love! And getting to share this with my family, is an absolutely amazing thing. My sister is going to walk me down the aisle. I am so excited to share this with her, and to have both her and my brother there. There just aren't words. It just makes this so much more special. It will be so nice to celebrate something with the people Dustin and I love and hold dear.

With the wedding getting closer and all the loss the family has suffered, I just keep thinking about dad. You deal with the pain and you take it one day at a time. You can change it so you just adapt. As I get older though, it seems like in some ways it gets worse. Every time he misses something. Every time I realize how much it would mean for him to share a moment, and occasion. When I look at my mom, sometimes it just hurts. After everything with her and her health, I just keep thinking how much better he would want me to do. No matter how wonderful everyone thinks I am, I just keep thinking of how I should be doing so much more.

It's amazing all the things we think, and do when we are scared and confused. Sometimes I feel like I am still the same young and confused girl, just wearing big kid clothes and walking around doing big kid things, pretending. And other days, I am just moving forward. Just trying to make it through the day. But I am turning 30 this year, so maybe its just my way of getting through it. 

Dustin is a very special guy, taking on a girl with all this baggage. lol

I started taking Vitex.  A dietary supplement that is supposed to naturally help balance a woman cycle. I just started it so we shall see if it helps at all. There are quite a few people with PCOS that have used it to add in fertility. I am hopeful but I guess we shall see. I am not the most optimistic person but sometimes you just have to have hope. Right now thats is all I have.

 My heart is full and so is my head, I will let it all out and head to bed.

Gnight.

One Sad Week

This week had been a very crazy week, and the scary thing is... it's only Wednesday. My mother and I have been battling horrible upper respiratory infections for well over a week. Even with antibiotics I cannot seem to kick this damn thing. Then yesterday both sides of my family suffer losses. On my father's side, we lost my Aunt Barb. Sadly mostly what I know about her is from my childhood and my mother, I had very little time with her as an adult. I feel deeply for my cousin Breena, her daughter, as they were close like my mother and I. I can only imagine how difficult this must be for her. The wonderful thing is that Barb will live on through her, she has instilled in Breena her strength and spark that shines through her smile. I hope that will bring her some comfort during this difficult time. That and the knowledge she has gone on and will be with those she missed and loves.

On my mother's side we lost my Great Uncle Edgar. Honestly I did not know him that well. He was 84. I know that he was not alone when he went and that he went onto a better place and we should all take comfort that he had a long life and that he will be welcomed home to his maker next to my grandmother and his family.

In my experience, things always happen in threes. So it seems like we are all waiting for the next shoe to drop. We pray the worst is over.

On a brighter note, today is Chloe's 2nd Birthday. I would like to drop off some balloons and a present for her today even though her birthday party is Friday. It's so hard to believe the kids are getting so big. They are ornery than ever but also just as cute.

The wedding is drawing ever closer. We are almost just 2 months away! Panic is sure to set in soon. We are still trying to decide on tuxes, food, drinks, and get the invitations out. There is so much to do and so little time. Help is few and far between so I am doing most of the stuff by myself which is only adding to the stress, compound that by the fact I am unemployed so money is short...very short, and needless to say I am a mess.

I am trying to keep sane by taking it all day by day. But I know I am letting all kinds of things slip through the cracks. I know that I am taking some of it out on Dustin. Not that he doesn't play a role in my source of stress! lol He plays his own special part. Grrr.

I am making fabric flowers for the decorations on my bridal parties flip flops, which is fun and stressful at the same time. I am trying to just focus on the fun aspect and not worry so much about all the little shit. Don't even ask how that is going. lol So I think that's why I am back blogging about my life. It seems like through it all, the bad and the good, talking about it all helps to put it into perspective.

Tonight I am going to spend some time with Samantha and talk about all the crap that's driving me nuts. Then I am going to come home and work on some more fabric flowers, listen to some music and make the world fade away.

Hoping for some better days :)

76 Days and Counting

I cannot believe we have only 76 days left until we get married. With so much left to do and pay for I am beginning to believe we might never get it all done. I wish I could say I was optimistic but truthfully I am worried it won't all get done. Looking for a job and trying to make sure everything gets paid on time and that everything gets done is driving me up a wall.

I am making headway on the ceremony. I have selected several readings and am working on the actual vows. Trying to figure out the order or which to say things is the hard part. Its hard to want everything to be just so and know that it never will. lol Nothing ever goes exactly as planned. But knowing that and accepting that are two different things. I constantly have heartburn from all the worrying. When you add to that trying to figure out how to pay for all of this...lets just say I will be so happy when its all over.

In dreamland everything is simple and elegant. Something romantic but fun. Something without all the hassle. Hopefully as time goes things will fall into place and the stress with melt away and leave me simply excited and anxious.

I need to buckle down and set a schedule. There is so much left to be done and so little time. I just wanted to get some of this out and center myself. Sometimes its necessary to vent. But for now it is late and time to relax and head off to bed.

Goodbye 2009

Okay so I don't really have anything against 2009. I mean it had its ups and downs but overall, it was just another year. Dustin and I got engaged, a couple of friends moved away. It was what it was. I have some very large expectations for 2010! I am getting married in May, turning 30 in October. To say I expect a lot out of this year would be an understatement. I am just rolling with the punches and picking myself up everyday and trying to look at each day as a new beginning. So there is no New Year's Resolution to break for me. I am just trying to hold on to the hope that this year will be a good one with lots of wonderful things in store. Not just for me but for everyone. Sorry its so short and sweet but, thats all I got. Hope!

Good luck and goodbye to 2009!