A New Year?

Did you make a new years resolution? Did I? Nope. I never get very far with them so I really don't see the point. So I guess that is my new year. Will it be better than the last? It wouldn't take much to top it. So this is the new year? I have to say I expected grander things. I hope this year can prove that its all worth it. I am tarnished. I am dreary and pessimistic. I used to just consider myself to be a realist. But I think I would prefer a dream, I am ready to wake from this horrible nightmare. I am just struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel. At the moment it feels more like a bottomless pit.

I need an outlet. I love my friends but I am missing having someone that I can tell anything to. Lately I have been wondering if anyone really has that. I mean I have some great friends that I share things with but no one that I really feel I could share everything with. I have to wonder if that is just one of those things that happens as we get older or if I am just that unwilling to trust anyone. Chalk it up to just having a rough time lately I suppose. I am avoiding dealing with the real world at the moment and I know that I am only hurting myself but I just feel like I am in shut off mode. Everything is just too much for me. I have been rereading the Twilight series and drowning out the real world for a teenage vampire drama series... hmm seems like I tend to do that a lot. Ha ha. Music is really the only other thing saving my sanity at the moment. I just keep trying to drown out the real world and pretend that my life isn't as lost as it seems. But really... who am I kidding? Certainly not myself.

Mom is doing great. She did get fired so she has no insurance at the moment. Which is sooooo not good. I can't even get her help and that's just one more thing I am failing at. Did you ever feel like you were swimming upstream and getting no where? I am taking everyday one minute at a time and just trying to remember how to breath. But it is so hard when you feel like your under water. I am like a roller coaster and I have no idea how anyone can stand to be around me. I am constantly just trying to keep my mind busy so I don't have to sit and think. I have decided to finally go with Margie and Caroline to this reggae bar tomorrow night. I want to try something new, feel out of place, and dance it out. I need some kind of release.

Samantha's mom had triple by-pass this past week and she is recovering. Poor Samantha is having a really rough time since she is all alone with the two girls. I keep trying to keep her spirits up but at this point I having a really rough time doing that for myself. Dustin and I are okay. He's really great, working his butt off everyday. All of this stuff just really puts a strain on our relationship. I mean we have our own issues that we were trying to work on before all this and they have just constantly been pushed to the back burner, which makes it so hard to deal with now when we are still just trying to tread water and get on the right foot. Just one more thing I have to keep trying to pushing back and keep trying to ignoring.

Unwind me

Just pull the string and let me go

I need some sleep. A long long and deep sleep. Preferably with a wonderful dream. Ugh. Well I could ramble and complain from now until the end of eternity but really. where would that get me?

G'nite.

Here's to sweet dreams.