Still Writing

Okay so now I am totally into this song thing and I have been reading and listening to a million different things since I am just in that mood now. Some things stand out to me because they really touch me. So I thought I would post them here.

"He would not stay for me, and who can wonder?
He would not stay for me to stand and gaze.
I shook his hand and tore my heart in sunder
And went with half my life about my ways."
Alfred Edward Housman

The crossroads... where all young hearts wait,for love they cannot know...

I like them because they are sweet, not bitter or fore lorn.

Just true to the heart. :)

I haven't been able to put my pen down the last few days. Something is always sparking inside my brain. I have nothing done and I am unable to share it at the moment. I am just inspired. Enough that it keeps me up nights. I am so tired by the time I go to bed, I can't even remember my dreams. I am up way to late again. And I feel like I will never be back on a normal schedule. I get too caught up in something, a book, a movie, music. I feel like I need to be sedated. Well now it is almost 7 am, time for bed.

G'nite!

Tequila nights lead to interesting mornings

I love Tequila. But I really feel I need to learn to let it go. I get a little too friendly and my inhibitions just fly right out the window. All reasoning skills are swimming around ignoring the warning signs that could get me into trouble. I was very well behaved considering. I keep thinking that someday I should just get shit faced and start writing. I mean I don't hold back and it would all just be unapologetically me. Being worried constantly what everyone will think, and say about me is just ridiculous. I mean I am who I am. I really don't want to apologize constantly for it. I know that I make horrible decisions sometimes, I lack the initiative and drive to do much with my like, and I lack the confidence to put myself out there for people to know, I am naive and silly, I have no follow through, I am wishy washy, jealous, easily intimidated, and a huge worrier. Well and about a million other things as well, but I already know that stuff. Its no surprise. So why do I care?

I find myself trying to constantly reassure myself, that who I am is enough. But enough for what? For who? Some people are never going to see me for who I am. Some people will only see what they want, the good, or the bad. But its the people who have the hearts and minds to see me for all that I am and all that I can be that I desire to be nearest to. And it is honestly very hard to find those people and then to keep them close by. I find it strange sometimes how it never matters who has known me the longest, but rather the people that want to know all they can about me that end up being someone I feel close to. I honestly have very few close friends that I want to be close to. And that makes me honestly a little sad and disappointed. Cause I really genuinely care for some people that could give a crap less about me and my life.

So at this point in my life, I am all about strengthening friendships and making connections with people. I have some really great memories with some truly amazing people, and I feel that at this point in my life, that is part of the things I cherish most in life.

So I am trying to write a song, that tells a very important story. I am not so great at writing songs. So this is really entertaining, in a sad and tragic way, but maybe it will work. We shall see.
I keep going back and forth between something all bleeding and internal to something cheesy and off the sleeve. Once again, I find myself worried about what someone else will think
Ugh,
Tequila.
You make my heart bleed.

I need some sleep. Gnite all.

Sweet dreams.

It's been a while since my last post. I wish I could say it was because I had so much other stuff to deal with, but alas, life is boring as ever. I still have no job, bill are piling up and mom's medical expenses are threatening to blow this ship out of the water. All I get is more and more worried. It's hard to sleep and when I do, I have the oddest reoccurring nightmares. Its insane. I don't know how or why I keep having the same elaborate nightmares, I bet some psychologist would have a field day with me and all my issues. I can never be certain if its from the movies, tv shows and video games I play or if its that combined with stress but my nightmares are of epic proportion and if I could record them, I could make a fortune in the movie business. Really they are spectacular. I just wish I could fully remember them. I might be rich right now and have no worries to stress over if I could manage that.

Dustin and Sky beat Resident Evil 5 last night. It was a long day that stretched well into the wee hours of the morning, but they finally managed to kick its ass. They still have to go back and collect all the treasure and shoot all the BSAA emblems that they missed, but all in all they finished it. I was surprised but up until the very last couple of levels I was able to watch and enjoy the game without the motion sickness. I don't know if it was because of the co-op mode in which it was a split screen or what but I had no real trouble watching until the end which they had to run around alot and I got a headache but over all I was impressed. Sadly it will be forever for the next installment of the story to which I find so interesting.

So that was my week, well except we watched a movie, Blindness. It was interesting, I enjoyed the story though I was expecting something else, it proved to be very thought provoking. I thoroughly enjoyed it, though, I really hadn't heard anything about it which surprises me. I also started Ecplise for the millionth time. I tried, to no avail to read through New Moon slowly, and savor every detail, I just find myself pushing through it to the end. I hope the movie will spark a new appreciation for it, though I doubt I will like it as much as any of the rest. Twilight still makes my heart pitter-pat. And I find I can read it over and over and over and never get bored with it. But I cannot read it and not any of the others. So I had to push through New Moon and have now made it to my next favorite, Eclipse. That one has the most action and tension and wonderful ending of promise. I cannot wait for that movie. Assuming they are going to do all four.

I guess we shall see.

Ugh.

I am just lost.

I am having the hardest time coping with everything. The past couple of weeks have been rough and after everything I decided to quit smoking. I have made it all day with one cigarette, I think I am doing pretty good. I really hadn't thought it through, it was just a spur of the moment thing but I am trying to hang in there and I am not going to allow myself to have more than 3 cigarrettes a day no matter how bad I want them and so far that is working pretty well. I had one at 6 pm and that had been it since late last night in the middle of the Resident Evil battles around 3 am. Not bad if you ask me. But it is difficult. More difficult tham I thought it would be. But I think I can do it.

So I know that I am not in the best of moods just from quitting, but when you combine that with the way I was feeling the past few weeks...I am not in a good place. I think that is why I have been continuously reading and reading and reading my books. Trying to put my mind into something else. I am just trying to be somewhere else right now. Its like I am checking out. Or at the very least, trying to. Everyone I used to hold close and confide in have disappeared and I am stuck holding in all this venom. I just needed a release. I really miss having someone that I could talk to and laugh with. I have all these friends around me and yet no one I really feel that I can trust. How sad.

Well I am going to jump in the shower, grab my book and put on a movie. G'nite!