What I am thankful for.

I can't even begin to tell you what the last 2 months have been like. There are so many things that have happened that it seems like I would need to write a book to get it all out. So I would like to start by saying what I am thankful for.

My mother- and her being able to be here and for many more years to come. For Dustin and all his love and support, his laughter and his optimistic nature. He is my love and I don't know what I would do or who I would be without him. For his mother Judy and her kind loving spirit, and all the amazing ways she is there for us. To my family- all of them. No matter how crazy some of them make me, they are a huge part of what makes me who I am. I thank them for all the memories, the stories, the laughter, and their tears. I would not have made it through without them by my side. To my friends for all their love and support, their laughter, their drama, their caring and wonderful spirits that keep me from losing my mind everyday. For my cat-who I love as my little baby, she keeps me entertained and loves me everyday, she is my light and my heart and my joy, she gives me strength in each little snuggle and she restores my spirit. There is so much I am thankful for this year and I hope that in the years to come I will have more and more to be thankful for.

After everything for the past 2 months, I am glad that its time to gather and give thanks. I am especially thankful that my mother gets to spend another thanksgiving with us. She is my rock, and I am hers and after all we have weathered together, I know we are strong.

On October 8th, I got a call from my mom, she was at work and she thought she was having a heart attack. I drove down to her work and then brought her to NKC Hospital where she was admitted. On October 10th, she had to have 5 bypasses. On my birthday October 13th, she coded in the CVICU from an irregular rhythm. She was fine but they said it could take 6-8 weeks to recover, she would need cardiac/physical therapy and would need to change her lifestyle. They sent her home on the 17th of October. That night as I helped her get into bed she had a stroke.

I know there has been and will be many more times in my life that are scary...but there just aren't words for holding your mother and trying to get help and keep yourself together while you feel like she is being stolen away right in your arms. I am not scared of death. Nor am I afraid of her dying. But to have her change in a blink of my eye...is something so terrifying I cannot begin to describe it. Before I get too far into part of the reason I feel so screwed up... I managed to call 911 and let them know she was having a stroke. We got her back to NKC Hospital where they got her under control assessed the situation and came to the conclusion that they were limited with what they could do because of the open heart surgery she had just had the week before. So after talking with the Neurologist at St. Luke's South, they offered us an option, transfer and try a procedure where they treat the blood clot in the brain with localized clot busting medicine and risk her having another stroke or do nothing. Obviously we chose to go to St. Luke's. Within six hours they had completed the procedure and she was in the Neurological ICU recovering. The improvement was amazing. Its was very successful and she was into the Stroke Ward within 2 days. She unfortunately went back into a irregular rhythm and has to go to CVICU for a day or so and was required to be on the heart floors for her recovery. She started therapy for the stroke there and was doing pretty good although they had to drain a liter of fluid from behind her left lung (TWICE) but they said that can happen after open heart surgery so they were not too concerned. By October 30th she was cleared to go into a rehab clinic up in Smithville where she was in and out within a week. Over all she was in the hospitals just 2 days shy of a month (28 days). She came home on Nov. 6th. She was cleared to walk upstairs and shower and resume most of the normal day to day functions. She does have a walker now, her balance is off, her vision is not quite right, her memory slips every now and again, she has very little memory of her stay at NKC Hospital (the surgery, doctors, friends and family included), she is going to speech therapy because she has trouble speaking (saying some words and sentences) and depth perception is also off. But everyday she makes more and more progress towards her recovery. Everyone is very pleased with her efforts and her strong will that is helping her to get better everyday. I am so proud of her.

In the midst of all of this, Jeff is...well JEFF. We are worried about him. And I wish I could just focus on all my other problems and let him worry about himself...but that's not who I am. Dustin and I got a 2 bedroom apartment and mom is going to stay with us. As long as she wants to, or needs to. Overall I think this will be the best thing for her and us. We are moving in just a few days. Its all so crazy.

I have never felt so crazy in my whole life. I am spinning out of control at every turn. I have no brain lately. I can't keep anything straight. I am paranoid and restless, I am bitchy and loony all the time. The stress is about to kill me but somehow I am still moving. I need a release. I need help. I just keep hoping and praying that God has a plan and that everything will work out. I have never been so scared in all my life. And no matter how many people are around me, I feel completely all alone. I am just lost. And scared. But I feel better for being able to let it out. I bottle things in and sometimes its nice to just let a little air in. Okay I am freezing from being in the cold basement. I am done for tonight. Maybe for several weeks since we are getting things ready to move. I love everyone for the help and the advice they keep giving me. All the support they have offered has been amazing. I don't know if there are enough words of thanks. So later.

Keep in mind, since it is about to be Thanksgiving, all those wonderful people in your life. We take so many people for granted, our time is precious while we are here on earth and while so many things demand attention in our lives its very important to make the time for the people that matter to us in our lives. Our friends and family sustain us. They have the power to change our lives and enrich them at every turn. So hold them near and dear and be thankful for all the love and laughter. Its a cold and sad world. So keep those people closest to you, they will make it a much warmer, happier place. I pray that everyone has a safe and happy holiday and that everyone will be in my prayers. God bless you and your families!

Sondra D.

I got a car!!!

Good lord, my birthday is almost here. SCARY! I can't believe I am going to be 28. I don't feel that old. I still feel like I did at 21. Seven years later and I couldn't tell you any great things I have learned. I am certain that I have learned quite a bit. But nothing that would make me feel like I am 2 years away from 30. EEK!



I have no big plans so far. I don't really know what it is I want to do. Dustin and I just bought a new car. Its a 99' Nissan Maxima. Its really nice and I absolutely love it. I have to say it has been fun being able to drive around. No more being stuck in the house! Everything seems pretty good. I hope I can just hold onto that feeling. I wish I had more time but I need to get in the shower. Tomorrow I will catch up and elaborate on the anxiety I am feeling as my birthday lurks around the corner.



Later!

Another Late Night

I swear I sleep. It just seems like lately I don't go to bed till the sun is coming up. My brain just won't shut off. Lately it seems more active than usual. Maybe its just trying to keep busy at the wrong time or maybe I have just gotten myself totally off track but no matter what I am unable to sleep until at least 3 am. I am going to have to get myself on a better schedule. It's been horrible even trying to get up early. I would really like to savor the day. Especially since the weather has been so much cooler. I am completely ready for fall.

My mom's 59th birthday was the other day. Next year is a really big one and I hope that I will be at a point that I can throw her a party to truly honor her. Me getting older is scary but my mother getting up there in age really terrifies me. With all her health problems, it just really scares me that I am going to have to face that one day she just won't be here anymore. She has been my rock. I can't imagine not having her around. She is the only one in my life that knows me, she can comfort, console, guide, and advise me through anything. What in the hell will I ever do without her? Lord, I pray its a long time before I ever have to find out. Enough of that morbid thinking. I can't handle anymore of that thinking.

I still have no job. No car. No surprise there, huh? Sunday we are supposed to go to the Renaissance Festival. Poor Margie hurt her knee so she doesn't think she will make it. Sad. I will miss her. Her and I enjoy looking at the same things. Dustin is pretty excited, despite the fact we will have very little money. I still think it will be a ton of fun. Plus we are hoping to make it out again before it closes. He and I are still dealing with some issues. Well, I am still dealing with some issues with him. He is quietly waiting to see if it passes over. I don't think he will ever realize that ignoring problems does not make them disappear.

I watched Empire Records tonight. It's been forever since I saw it and I adore this movie so much. Ethan Embry. Yum. I came across Grease and it made me laugh. Caroline is choreographing Grease at their old high school. I am really excited to see it complete. It sounds like so much fun, I hope it all comes out great. I miss that part of high school. I can see Caroline enjoys it, and I can only imagine how much work it is but I am very envious. It will be so rewarding once all the hard work is complete. I just keep thinking that I need to find a project to immerse myself in like that, to keep me going till I can find a job. I have all those pictures I need to work on, but that takes money and Dustin and I go through money so fast I never have a chance to get the things I need. I am just going to have to hash it out and spend the money so I can have some sanity. I need busy work. I need an outlet. Ugh I need to go to bed.

:P Sondra D.

Reconnecting

I had a bad night yesterday. I have had a few in the past couple of weeks. I have been trying to pull myself out of this funk that I am in, with no success. But I just keep trying. After the other night, I had to reach out and talk to someone. But not just anyone, someone who knows me like no one else knows me. I have been feeling off and I needed to find my center so I can start again.

Joe. Joey. One person whom I will forever and always consider my best friend. He has this way of calling my soul home. He is something that I can never quite define or put in any certain category in my life. To further illustrate that point when he returned my call, I heard the special ring tone I gave him a long time ago " Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane and things just sort of clicked in my head.

I walked across an empty land

I knew the pathway like the back of my hand

I felt the earth beneath my feet

Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree

I felt the branches of it looking at me

Is this the place we used to love?

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go

Talk about it somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go

Somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go

Talk about it somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go

So why don't we go

This could be the end of everything

So why don't we go

Somewhere only we know

Somewhere only we know

It's truly funny how much you miss someone and you don't even realize it. I mean how could life get so full that I not see how much I missed someone. I know people change and shit happens but it seems silly that we couldn't make time for one another. Regular phone call or something. He isn't the first person that I have lost touch with. I just hope we always have the chance to reconnect. I hope that this isn't the last time we talk and I hope the next time isn't so far off.

What are YOU doing this glorious Sunday?

Sunday. Being unemployed means the weekends aren't as grand as they used to be. Sunday for me is another day that I grab the paper and search endlessly for some glimmer of hope, that all is not lost. But at the moment its just a long day. It's hot in this damn house. The a/c's been on the fritz all damn summer. It has to be 90 in our bedroom. And even in the basement I am sweating my ass off. Today is lost on me. I just want to get the fuck outta here and drive far, far away. I need music and some scenery to lift my soul. Instead I have been wrestling a baby gate for the cat that the damn dogs can get through, thinking about all my damn dirty room and how I have no space for anything. I've been moping around all day with this horrible feeling in my gut and tears that just well up mysteriously in my eyes. It's a glorious day. Can't someone just shoot me now? Ugh.

My damn I-pod is upstairs and since I don't want to wake up Dustin I am politely pissed and sitting here bitching to my blog. I talked to my mom for a few minutes. I am the busiest unemployed person. Somehow even though I have nothing to do, I can still never manage to do the things I want or need to. I have a list of shit that could span the rest of time. And still nothing is done. I have such high hopes, and yet I am completely unmotivated to do anything. I am such a winner. lol

Sigh.

I wonder what some of the other billions of people are doing at this moment. I am wondering what Dustin is dreaming about upstairs. What my mom is thinking at this moment. Are people walking through the park, holding hands? Is someone screaming loudly and dancing around their living room? Sleeping in a chair? Reading a book? What are they listening to? What are they thinking? I am so tired of thinking about my life, and sometimes it would be nice to just take a break and see how someone else is doing. Maybe I would learn something.

For now I think I am just going to settle for a cigarette and the blue sky. Who knows, maybe the world will open up and answer all my questions. Or not.

What's it like to be THAT BITCH?

Today was one of those days where you wish you could be someone else. Not that it was a horrible day or anything , and that's kind of the whole point. I wonder if I am the only person I know who has days like that. I wouldn't claim to be the only person to EVER feel this way because I am to unoriginal and dull to be the only person in the whole world to loath themselves like I do. lol For anyone who is looking to be uplifted, skip this blog! Unless you'd like to put your life into perspective. Friends have always been a tricky thing for me. I don't hate people, I am human and I am catty at times but quite honestly most people I wish well and have no real hate in me. I realize I am quite naive about peoples natures and tend to think better of people and situations than I should. And all of this has cost me quite a bit. I have scars that I hide very well. But for the people I call my friends I have to wonder, shouldn't I expect more help than hurt. Maybe I ask too much of people, even people that I care about. I know that not every thought or thing that has come out of my mouth has been kind and maybe I am getting nothing but what I deserve. But sometimes what seems like a simple statement or joke can cut deep when they come from someone you consider a friend.

So today I wanted to be one of those people that can fight back. I wanted to be the bitch and put people in their place. I wanted to be one of those people who knows their worth. Even if it was just for a few fleeting moments. But instead I had to try and let it roll off my back. Maybe its just the timing. I mean, I am not in a great place at the moment. Mentally I am constantly beating myself up and then trying to pick myself back up. Its brutal in my head. And maybe I don't need any reminders to be not so sure of myself.

Time doesn't change things as much as everyone tells you it does. Or at least not for me.

The heavy, thick the air won't flow through me

It's tight and scary and I just want to breath deep

No more nightmares till I can fall back asleep

Where is the slightest bit of release?

Time just ticks by and I am turning blue

Remembering those images like old movies

True true true, and then its just hard to move

And I wake to wonder what to do with you.

Does it get easier, with each sharp intake

I feel pieces fracture, suddenly

Randomly break and change the shape

Until all the remains is a shaky base

How do we build anything on something so unsafe?

What do you do with all the anxiety that drives you mad in the middle of the night? When my brain won't stop the destructive chatter. I cannot distinguish the helpful and hateful thoughts from one another anymore. They have all blended together to form this gigantic mess in my head as soon as my head hits the pillow after nights like this I cannot silence them enough to actually sleep. I tell myself that I know everything will eventually be alright. One way or the other, whether its because I am dead or because life just moves right along. But for tonight I am once again another tear drop closer to forming my own lake.

Up Too Late

Never a good sign when your up to late from being in a bad mood. I mean, where is this going to leave me tomorrow? I am trying to drowned the voices out with a little music. Maybe I should choose something a little more angry to get it all out? Or do I go for something more soothing to calm the savage feelings? See how irritating it is to be all up in arms this late at night!




Okay. Well I just eventually got tired. I downloaded Ludo and Death Cab for Cutie just to make myself feel better. It worked. So I crashed at around 4 am and got up at around 11am. I don;t have much to do today but I have a few things that should keep me entertained till Dustin comes home. Next week we are going camping. Hopefully for 2 nights but I guess it depends on how the weather is. I just hope its not too hot and humid. Ahh oh well. So much for a good post. Ha! Maybe I will write back later when my brain is more awake!

:P

One Month Later

You would think that since my wonderful employer decided to fire me, that I would find more time to blog enjoy my time off to search for a more fulfilling job... but alas, it is not so. Instead I have been sick and trying to take care of a sick animal. We decided to get the cat fixed and have her declawed. Let me tell you, I had no idea how horrible declawing a cat was. If I had I never would have put my sweet kitty through all the pain. She is recovering nicely but good grief. Top that off with me being ill and oh what a fun time I am having. I did finally get cleared by my doctor. He said that they did the pathology on the part of my cervix they cut off and they got all the cells that they found during the colposcopy, so it was a success. Basically now we are just wait and hoping they don't come back like last time. So I am praying and wishing and hoping for the best. I have to go back in 3 months, like before and just keep doing what I am doing. I am going to be 28 this year and everyone I know already has a family and I am still dreaming and waiting. Things are not getting easier, my health is still suffering, and I can't get it under control when there are so many things going wrong. I have people that know absolutely nothing trying to give me their 2 cents about my health when they don't ever know a single thing about it. But you know how people can be. It just makes everything more difficult. This whole thing with being fired and trying to figure out how to pay for all the medical debt that I have just recently incurred and trying to figure out how to find a job when I don't have a car, its all just very scary. I am losing all hope that I will ever be a mom, and that I will ever see a single dream realized. Oh what a ball of joy I am. Really. I actually also found out that a good friend of mine has thyroid cancer and is trying to come to terms with it. Health is not something that is my friend by any means so I know how difficult it can be to comprehend and move forward with something so uncertain and complex weighing on your mind 24-7, but she also has the added worry with her 2 kids. Which is something I can only imagine and something I know has to be very frightening. I have every bit of faith in her that no matter what the out come she will be on top. She is a strong fighter and being a mother makes her 10 times as strong as she could evcr be alone. I just hope she can remember that in her time of need.

After all this time I still haven't come up with a way to make it through those days when the world seems to be coming down on me. So I have no wise words or mood altering words of motivation that I can offer to anyone, let alone myself. If it wasn't for my mother I think I more likely would never make it through. So could my advise be turn to your mother for support and understanding since no one else in the world seems to? I have been through so many ups and downs that I can't remember how I got through, just that I somehow survived. I guess we all basically go through it all alone, trying to be strong and brave, we hide the fear, pain, and doubt from everyone we love as if we can somehow shield them from it all. LOL Maybe I can pass along my optimistic outlook. HA! I really don't believe in luck but its probably because if I did I would have the worst of it. Whomever cursed me for all time...well you got your wish. Ahh. I don't know. I am just not one to be offer words of wisdom, words of hope, or encouragement to anyone. I have nothing to give anyone right now. Not even myself.

Recovering

I swear I am not an idiot. I did everything the doctors told me to. I am still in pain and I am still bleeding. I am just certain...something is wrong. Or something is screwed up and I really am scared that its going to mean I can never be a mom. I am just so mad. Mad that I went through with the proceedure when I know how horrible my luck is. Mad that if I hadn't gone through with it, I would have ended up possibly worse off but I will never know. I am just so scared and I wish I had someone to talk to right now. I am so tired of trying to be okay when I'm not. Tired of hoping for the best when I know I am going to get the short end of the stick. I want to scream and yell and kick and just go back. There are just so many things I wish I could redo. I just can't breathe. I am so worried and scared and I just wish I could make this go away. I still hurt. I continue to have sharp pains, I have no money and I just continue to miss work. So I will have less and less money to pay all these dammn doctor bill I am accumulating. I am slowly sinking, and in so many more ways than one. And I can't even have a drink. Ha! Here I am, trying to be good. I am trying to lose weight, get my blood sugar under control, get my life all straightened out and for what!? So I can have my dreams get sucked away. I am trying so hard. And I just don't know what to do any more.

Sorry I think too much.

Sorry it has been so long since I have written. There has been so much crap going on lately. At this point I am just trying to make it through. I try and be a positive thinker. It's just really difficult when everything seems to be working against me. I really don't want to get on here and start dragging on about how my life sucks and how I feel like I have lost all hope. It's depressing and boring, but I don't feel comfortable talking to people about it. Everyone wants me to be so okay with everything and I just have to keep pretending that I am okay, when I really just want to give up. I am such a loser sometimes. I apologize to any and everyone that I continue to bother with all this crap. But sometimes I just need to let all this poison out. I think it helps sometimes just to release it all out into the world.

I am irritated by my job. It's a never ending struggle and just when you think you've gotten ahead, it yanks you right back down. I really like working in property management, but I can't help but think there has to be something better...somewhere. With all my health issues and problems I need a job that can provide some serious insurance to help ease the financial burden of the doctor and pharmacy bills. It' not cheap to be alive and its even more expensive to be healthy. Especially when I am so far away from being healthy. I think I am going to quit smoking though. I really don't want to but I know I need to. But we will see. I always start off with grand intentions. I am a great thinker with lousy follow through.

4 days and counting till my surgery. Sometimes I don't know why I get so worked up.

Life is full of bumps. This is one I can get over. Maybe it will save me. Maybe. But I know me, and my luck. I know of all the things in life, this could contribute to taking away the one thing in the world that I want. So to me minor is not what this is to me. As the day gets closer I just keep thinking about it. I try and distract myself and it works for a little while but then I end up wanting to go crawl back under the covers. Today I thought maybe if I just expressed some of my anxieties it would help me to calm down. I guess we will see if it helps or not. I really don't know how to deal with having this big threat to my life's happiness. I am scared to admit I may never to be a mom. Just thinking it breaks me into a million pieces. I already have so many problems and to add insult to injury this surgery could make it even harder. I just don't know what to do. No one can tell me its going to be alright. Because I will just strangle the life out of them. Nothing is all right. I am just so scared and terrified. I just need a little bit of hope and faith. And right now I can't find either.

Well, I think its time to put the smile back on.

Later.

Missing You

Today is my dad's birthday, he would have been 64 today. Crazy since he'll never be a day over 45 to me. I miss him like crazy of course and I wonder how different life would be if he were still here. I never had the chance to know him as anything other than my dad. I was too young to know the kind of man he was, and well that really sucks. I can only imagine how dating would have been if he was still around. lol Would I have gotten married and divorced, would we have been close and would he be proud? It's easy to pretend to know the answers but the loss is still felt 18 years later. I remember feeling like the pain would never end, being terrified of all the things I would forget. I still carry the scar and the pain that chokes me sometimes and makes it so hard to breathe. I get mad and want to scream, sometimes its just such an over whelming rage that he is gone. Funny no matter how old I get I don't stop needing him in my life. I need his wisdom and strength, his support and his guidance. I see my mom miss him so much that she can't speak and it kills me. He was her rock as much as she is mine and I am a poor substitute as a support system. I take pride in every characteristic my father and I share, the good and the bad. And all I can do is push on. We are his gurrls, and we are nothing if not tough and strong. I know that no matter what life throws at me I have family on my side here on earth and looking down from heaven, so I will somehow manage to keep pushing though all the bad times.

Every Little River Band and Roger Whittaker song I hear, I know he is right there with me. I don't know who all will read this, I write to get it all out or explode but every year the Little River Band comes to Ameristar and this year it is in September, the 26th. It's a Friday and mom and I always go, anyone who would like to join us, we would love to have you. It's just something we do because we love him and some of the best memories we have of him are carried on those songs.

I am all over the place today. If it was a little nicer, I would love to go up to Smithville and lay on the grass. It was luck that I was off today. Not so lucky I ended up with a Dr appointment but at least I don't have to pretend to be into work today. I watched Elisabethtown a couple of weeks ago that really made me thing of dad. For all the critics negative reviews I really loved it. I definitely recommend it to everyone. I just went and bought it and plan if nothing else for tonight but to watch it and relax. I feel like a big dummy sometimes for the things that get to me. I don't know if everyone is as damn emotional as I am, but I am easily swayed by a song, a movie, a TV show. Call me a big baby but I easily relate to people and am very empathetic to people and their lives. So I am completely over emotional about everything. I think I try to be so in control of my own life and handle everything so elegant, and smartly that my lack of letter myself get upset often bleeds into my other factors and I end up getting all upset and weepy about things that I really don't need to. But it has to come out somehow and I have to keep grounded about things in my life because things get all fucked up (excuse my french) so freaking often. There are so many days that I just know how I make it through. I want to pull my hair out and scream till I break everything near me, at least once a day. Deep breath.

I get more irritated around this time of year, with dad's birthday and then Earth Day, and everyone having their kids. Grrr. It's all I can do not to go crazy. I don't know what God has in store but I am just trying to find faith and hope that it will not always be this hard.It's can't always be this hard, right?

Lots of love~

Sondra D

Updating Nothing

Life is the same, nothing has changed. I found Richard on MySpace and caught up and it reminded me about my blog. It's pretty bad when I used to write on here everyday. And no matter how dull the day I always had something to say. I need a smoke break. Hold that thought.

Okay. Well that just serves to remind me, I have talked about quitting and I really need to just do it. There is no real reason I haven't, other than I just haven't wanted to stop doing it. Knowing I need to just hasn't been enough to make me do it yet. Explain my brain please.

I am sooo exited. Lost comes back in two, count them, two days. I feel like I have been waiting forever for it to finally come back. Top that off with Jericho coming back in just a few weeks and I almost don't know what to do with myself. I am irritated with the presidential candidates. I cannot argue over them in my mind any further. BAH!

Dustin and I have already planned our ski trip and we are very excited. Time is moving too slow for me. I am going to attempt snow boarding for all those that can believe it. Ha! I almost can't. I am scared especially after that poor Dr. that killed himself while snow boarding up in Breckenridge, CO. Scary. I am going to take the lessons though so it won't be such a big deal or at least I hope so. I am going to miss my little sweet kitty. :( I wish I could take her with me but she would most likely hate the drive up there.

Ugh I know there is more to be said and will end up just being forgotten but I am already missing One Tree Hill and I cannot miss a minute more. Love and all that junk-Sondra D.