Late Night Thinking

It's amazing the things you watch when you are up late at night, infomercials, reruns of old TV shows, black and white movies, talk shows, and every now and again you stumble across something that hits home. Most of my recent night time TV escapades have resulted in nothing more than late mornings, but I finally watched a couple of movies that I never had the chance to watch before, Elisabethtown. I had always heard it was terrible but I never let that keep me away from something I think might be interesting. In the end, I loved it! It's not an Oscar nominee or anything but it hit home with me.

I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open! lol Thank goodness for spell check. :) *BIG YAWN* So tired. Shuffling over wedding plans and trying to get things done. I started this with more of a level head. I mean we have no money. Especially now that I am unemployed. We aren't doing anything huge. It's basically whatever we can throw together. We are doing the food ourselves. But its something big to me. As it quickly approaches I am having more and more anxiety. It's big to me. Marrying the man I love! And getting to share this with my family, is an absolutely amazing thing. My sister is going to walk me down the aisle. I am so excited to share this with her, and to have both her and my brother there. There just aren't words. It just makes this so much more special. It will be so nice to celebrate something with the people Dustin and I love and hold dear.

With the wedding getting closer and all the loss the family has suffered, I just keep thinking about dad. You deal with the pain and you take it one day at a time. You can change it so you just adapt. As I get older though, it seems like in some ways it gets worse. Every time he misses something. Every time I realize how much it would mean for him to share a moment, and occasion. When I look at my mom, sometimes it just hurts. After everything with her and her health, I just keep thinking how much better he would want me to do. No matter how wonderful everyone thinks I am, I just keep thinking of how I should be doing so much more.

It's amazing all the things we think, and do when we are scared and confused. Sometimes I feel like I am still the same young and confused girl, just wearing big kid clothes and walking around doing big kid things, pretending. And other days, I am just moving forward. Just trying to make it through the day. But I am turning 30 this year, so maybe its just my way of getting through it. 

Dustin is a very special guy, taking on a girl with all this baggage. lol

I started taking Vitex.  A dietary supplement that is supposed to naturally help balance a woman cycle. I just started it so we shall see if it helps at all. There are quite a few people with PCOS that have used it to add in fertility. I am hopeful but I guess we shall see. I am not the most optimistic person but sometimes you just have to have hope. Right now thats is all I have.

 My heart is full and so is my head, I will let it all out and head to bed.

Gnight.