What I am thankful for.

I can't even begin to tell you what the last 2 months have been like. There are so many things that have happened that it seems like I would need to write a book to get it all out. So I would like to start by saying what I am thankful for.

My mother- and her being able to be here and for many more years to come. For Dustin and all his love and support, his laughter and his optimistic nature. He is my love and I don't know what I would do or who I would be without him. For his mother Judy and her kind loving spirit, and all the amazing ways she is there for us. To my family- all of them. No matter how crazy some of them make me, they are a huge part of what makes me who I am. I thank them for all the memories, the stories, the laughter, and their tears. I would not have made it through without them by my side. To my friends for all their love and support, their laughter, their drama, their caring and wonderful spirits that keep me from losing my mind everyday. For my cat-who I love as my little baby, she keeps me entertained and loves me everyday, she is my light and my heart and my joy, she gives me strength in each little snuggle and she restores my spirit. There is so much I am thankful for this year and I hope that in the years to come I will have more and more to be thankful for.

After everything for the past 2 months, I am glad that its time to gather and give thanks. I am especially thankful that my mother gets to spend another thanksgiving with us. She is my rock, and I am hers and after all we have weathered together, I know we are strong.

On October 8th, I got a call from my mom, she was at work and she thought she was having a heart attack. I drove down to her work and then brought her to NKC Hospital where she was admitted. On October 10th, she had to have 5 bypasses. On my birthday October 13th, she coded in the CVICU from an irregular rhythm. She was fine but they said it could take 6-8 weeks to recover, she would need cardiac/physical therapy and would need to change her lifestyle. They sent her home on the 17th of October. That night as I helped her get into bed she had a stroke.

I know there has been and will be many more times in my life that are scary...but there just aren't words for holding your mother and trying to get help and keep yourself together while you feel like she is being stolen away right in your arms. I am not scared of death. Nor am I afraid of her dying. But to have her change in a blink of my eye...is something so terrifying I cannot begin to describe it. Before I get too far into part of the reason I feel so screwed up... I managed to call 911 and let them know she was having a stroke. We got her back to NKC Hospital where they got her under control assessed the situation and came to the conclusion that they were limited with what they could do because of the open heart surgery she had just had the week before. So after talking with the Neurologist at St. Luke's South, they offered us an option, transfer and try a procedure where they treat the blood clot in the brain with localized clot busting medicine and risk her having another stroke or do nothing. Obviously we chose to go to St. Luke's. Within six hours they had completed the procedure and she was in the Neurological ICU recovering. The improvement was amazing. Its was very successful and she was into the Stroke Ward within 2 days. She unfortunately went back into a irregular rhythm and has to go to CVICU for a day or so and was required to be on the heart floors for her recovery. She started therapy for the stroke there and was doing pretty good although they had to drain a liter of fluid from behind her left lung (TWICE) but they said that can happen after open heart surgery so they were not too concerned. By October 30th she was cleared to go into a rehab clinic up in Smithville where she was in and out within a week. Over all she was in the hospitals just 2 days shy of a month (28 days). She came home on Nov. 6th. She was cleared to walk upstairs and shower and resume most of the normal day to day functions. She does have a walker now, her balance is off, her vision is not quite right, her memory slips every now and again, she has very little memory of her stay at NKC Hospital (the surgery, doctors, friends and family included), she is going to speech therapy because she has trouble speaking (saying some words and sentences) and depth perception is also off. But everyday she makes more and more progress towards her recovery. Everyone is very pleased with her efforts and her strong will that is helping her to get better everyday. I am so proud of her.

In the midst of all of this, Jeff is...well JEFF. We are worried about him. And I wish I could just focus on all my other problems and let him worry about himself...but that's not who I am. Dustin and I got a 2 bedroom apartment and mom is going to stay with us. As long as she wants to, or needs to. Overall I think this will be the best thing for her and us. We are moving in just a few days. Its all so crazy.

I have never felt so crazy in my whole life. I am spinning out of control at every turn. I have no brain lately. I can't keep anything straight. I am paranoid and restless, I am bitchy and loony all the time. The stress is about to kill me but somehow I am still moving. I need a release. I need help. I just keep hoping and praying that God has a plan and that everything will work out. I have never been so scared in all my life. And no matter how many people are around me, I feel completely all alone. I am just lost. And scared. But I feel better for being able to let it out. I bottle things in and sometimes its nice to just let a little air in. Okay I am freezing from being in the cold basement. I am done for tonight. Maybe for several weeks since we are getting things ready to move. I love everyone for the help and the advice they keep giving me. All the support they have offered has been amazing. I don't know if there are enough words of thanks. So later.

Keep in mind, since it is about to be Thanksgiving, all those wonderful people in your life. We take so many people for granted, our time is precious while we are here on earth and while so many things demand attention in our lives its very important to make the time for the people that matter to us in our lives. Our friends and family sustain us. They have the power to change our lives and enrich them at every turn. So hold them near and dear and be thankful for all the love and laughter. Its a cold and sad world. So keep those people closest to you, they will make it a much warmer, happier place. I pray that everyone has a safe and happy holiday and that everyone will be in my prayers. God bless you and your families!

Sondra D.