Recovering

I swear I am not an idiot. I did everything the doctors told me to. I am still in pain and I am still bleeding. I am just certain...something is wrong. Or something is screwed up and I really am scared that its going to mean I can never be a mom. I am just so mad. Mad that I went through with the proceedure when I know how horrible my luck is. Mad that if I hadn't gone through with it, I would have ended up possibly worse off but I will never know. I am just so scared and I wish I had someone to talk to right now. I am so tired of trying to be okay when I'm not. Tired of hoping for the best when I know I am going to get the short end of the stick. I want to scream and yell and kick and just go back. There are just so many things I wish I could redo. I just can't breathe. I am so worried and scared and I just wish I could make this go away. I still hurt. I continue to have sharp pains, I have no money and I just continue to miss work. So I will have less and less money to pay all these dammn doctor bill I am accumulating. I am slowly sinking, and in so many more ways than one. And I can't even have a drink. Ha! Here I am, trying to be good. I am trying to lose weight, get my blood sugar under control, get my life all straightened out and for what!? So I can have my dreams get sucked away. I am trying so hard. And I just don't know what to do any more.