Missing You

Today is my dad's birthday, he would have been 64 today. Crazy since he'll never be a day over 45 to me. I miss him like crazy of course and I wonder how different life would be if he were still here. I never had the chance to know him as anything other than my dad. I was too young to know the kind of man he was, and well that really sucks. I can only imagine how dating would have been if he was still around. lol Would I have gotten married and divorced, would we have been close and would he be proud? It's easy to pretend to know the answers but the loss is still felt 18 years later. I remember feeling like the pain would never end, being terrified of all the things I would forget. I still carry the scar and the pain that chokes me sometimes and makes it so hard to breathe. I get mad and want to scream, sometimes its just such an over whelming rage that he is gone. Funny no matter how old I get I don't stop needing him in my life. I need his wisdom and strength, his support and his guidance. I see my mom miss him so much that she can't speak and it kills me. He was her rock as much as she is mine and I am a poor substitute as a support system. I take pride in every characteristic my father and I share, the good and the bad. And all I can do is push on. We are his gurrls, and we are nothing if not tough and strong. I know that no matter what life throws at me I have family on my side here on earth and looking down from heaven, so I will somehow manage to keep pushing though all the bad times.

Every Little River Band and Roger Whittaker song I hear, I know he is right there with me. I don't know who all will read this, I write to get it all out or explode but every year the Little River Band comes to Ameristar and this year it is in September, the 26th. It's a Friday and mom and I always go, anyone who would like to join us, we would love to have you. It's just something we do because we love him and some of the best memories we have of him are carried on those songs.

I am all over the place today. If it was a little nicer, I would love to go up to Smithville and lay on the grass. It was luck that I was off today. Not so lucky I ended up with a Dr appointment but at least I don't have to pretend to be into work today. I watched Elisabethtown a couple of weeks ago that really made me thing of dad. For all the critics negative reviews I really loved it. I definitely recommend it to everyone. I just went and bought it and plan if nothing else for tonight but to watch it and relax. I feel like a big dummy sometimes for the things that get to me. I don't know if everyone is as damn emotional as I am, but I am easily swayed by a song, a movie, a TV show. Call me a big baby but I easily relate to people and am very empathetic to people and their lives. So I am completely over emotional about everything. I think I try to be so in control of my own life and handle everything so elegant, and smartly that my lack of letter myself get upset often bleeds into my other factors and I end up getting all upset and weepy about things that I really don't need to. But it has to come out somehow and I have to keep grounded about things in my life because things get all fucked up (excuse my french) so freaking often. There are so many days that I just know how I make it through. I want to pull my hair out and scream till I break everything near me, at least once a day. Deep breath.

I get more irritated around this time of year, with dad's birthday and then Earth Day, and everyone having their kids. Grrr. It's all I can do not to go crazy. I don't know what God has in store but I am just trying to find faith and hope that it will not always be this hard.It's can't always be this hard, right?

Lots of love~

Sondra D