Rough Start

I think we all have certain expectations for our new year. We all go into it with the hopes and dreams of a better year than he one before and we make resolutions and promises to our selves to improve upon our lives and ourselves. This year I didn't make one. To me it's just one more promise that I will end up breaking to myself so I didn't think it was worth the sentiment. However, that doesn't mean I didn't have and don't still have hopes for what this year will bring.

Dustin and I are having our issues at the moment. Between my health issues and the apartment it's just too much for me to handle without help. The problem is he doesn't know how to help and doesn't try. I am so tired of having to help him with shit and remember shit and taking care of things and then when I need him to help me out with something, or remember something, it never happens. New Years Eve night was a mess. For the most part it was fun but there were a lot of problems and it brought up a lot of issue with me.

I am having a problem trying to come to term with the fact that we may not want the same things, something it took me too long to realize with Richard and I will not make that mistake again. I like to think that I have learned from the mess that I have caused. All the messes I have called. So with all of the things that have been going on I am really starting to feel like I need to quit focusing my energy on him and start directing it at me and my life. I have a lot of stuff that I need to work on and things that I need to do and I think all of that is getting lost in this relationship. A huge part of that is my fault because I focus on him, I made it this way so now this is just what he expects but with all the things I feel like I am missing and all the stuff I want to do getting swept aside I feel like I am right back where I started when I left Richard.

So I am going to make a resolution that I am going to make myself my priority. The rest can wait. I need to take care of my health and my life. I need a car, I need to get to the gym, I need to get healthy, I need to establish my credit and set myself up for the future. Everyday I feel my dream of becoming a mother slip further and further out of my reach. So I need to start making a real effort and start working forward so I can have every opportunity at happiness if not now then in the future. I can't sit idly by any longer. It is time for me to take control and focus on myself.

So on the 16th when I get paid, I am going to get my gym membership and start taking my ass to the gym whenever I get the chance. And then once the divorce goes through and I get my income tax return back I am going to start looking for a nice used car that I can pay off without help. That should start the process of establishing credit. This year I am going to get shit done, even if it kills me.

Enough of that. For now anyways. Dustin got me an iPod for Christmas and I absolutely love it. I still don't have a whole lot for it. I need to get one of the alarms with speakers so I can listen to it at the house without the headphones. I just ordered the iTrip for the car so we can listen to it in his car. I need to get a skin for it and I need to get something to hold it and strap it to my arm or something for when I go to the gym. I am finally getting all my music uploaded onto it. I also bought some new albums for it. I get Nelly Furtado - Loose which is absolutely fantastic. I was kind of hesitant to get it but I am so glad I did and I would recommend it to anyone. Every song brings something different to the cd and it is very eclectic. I was very surprised and very pleased. I also got Justin Timberlake - FutureLove SexSound which I had to buy since I am so addicted to "My Love". I am very pleased with the album although I laughed a couple of times for the cheese factor in a couple of the songs. For the most part I found most of the songs to be pretty good and can see myself listening to the whole album all the time. Now I bought Fergie - The Duchess for Dustin and while I like a couple of her songs this album may not stay on my iPod for long. I have yet to actually make it through the whole cd, which means I am not enjoying it much. I also got Brand New - The Devil and God Are Raging In My Head. I just started listening to it and they sound a little different. I can't quite put my finger on it. I think the singers voice sounds really different. How weird! I also got 30 Seconds to Mars and I am going to get The Killers - Sam's Town and a few others but I haven't made it around to that yet. So far so good though.

Jesse is out picking up trash for community service. It's the 7th and he only did 2 hours of community service and he has to have 10 hours done by Wednesday morning so I am putting him to work today and Tuesday and he was here on Thursday doing the same thing. The only problem is that tonight we are supposed to go over to Dustin's moms house for dinner and I don't feel that great because I have been unable to eat when I am supposed to and take my medicine and Jesse is not even near finishing and we have to be there at 6pm. So basically he has 30 minutes left and then on Tuesday night he will have to come out here and finish it up.

Well I haven't talked a lot about everything that has been going on and stuff but I caught you up the best I could without becoming upset or angry so SCORE! Anyway, I will try and write sooner next time.

Later people.