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I want to scream and shout and cry right now. I feel like poop and I am all upset. About what exactly? About everything. About how unfair life is, about how unlucky I am, about the way I am, about the way people treat me, about how I treat others. It's everything. When I read the book my mother got all about Diabetes and I get angry and scared and upset. This isn't how it was supposed to be. 
Okay, yes I am fat. The poly cystic ovarian syndrome through the years, coupled with being insulin resistant, and my emotional eating habits really did a number on me. I have coped with the hundred pound weight gain. I have slowly coped. And yes I still got upset about stuff but I was proud of who I was, and look at me now. I hate staying in the house but hate going out in public. I love shopping for clothes but hate putting them on, hate buying them only to find I look horrible in them. I hate missing out on my favorite foods, I hate feeling guilty for thinking about 
eating them. I am tired of feeling like a piece of trash. I am tired of feeling fat and ugly and disgusting. I get in the shower sometimes just to cry and let it all out, because it gets exhausting trying to be okay. I get myself all pumped up to fix things and then one small turn and I am giving up. I need help but get none when I need it the most. I try to remember to take my medicine and eat good solid meals and snacks at regular intervals but it never turns out that way. And what happens if I can never do it? Heart disease, kidney failure, 
all the health issues my mother and grandmother and father had are just waiting for me, some of them are already killing me as I write. And I am scared and paralyzed by this fear and honestly just wish I could give up. I am really coming to the realization that I am never going to be a mother and its killing me. At 26 I feel like the world is done with me. How pathetic am I? And who am I writing this to, anyways? My family that I know, the one I don't, my friends? Like they can't see how fucked up I am already. I want to see the silver lining, I want to be optimistic and know somehow that ever thing will be alright, but anyone one who knows me, knows, life just isn't that way for me. It's one big mistake after another, and one more bad day to follow the ones before. And I am tired, and scared that I just don't see the worth in it anymore and THAT is frightening. 
I want to scream and shout and cry right now. I feel like poop and I am all upset. About what exactly? About everything. About how unfair life is, about how unlucky I am, about the way I am, about the way people treat me, about how I treat others. It's everything. When I read the book my mother got all about Diabetes and I get angry and scared and upset. This isn't how it was supposed to be. 
Okay, yes I am fat. The poly cystic ovarian syndrome through the years, coupled with being insulin resistant, and my emotional eating habits really did a number on me. I have coped with the hundred pound weight gain. I have slowly coped. And yes I still got upset about stuff but I was proud of who I was, and look at me now. I hate staying in the house but hate going out in public. I love shopping for clothes but hate putting them on, hate buying them only to find I look horrible in them. I hate missing out on my favorite foods, I hate feeling guilty for thinking about 
eating them. I am tired of feeling like a piece of trash. I am tired of feeling fat and ugly and disgusting. I get in the shower sometimes just to cry and let it all out, because it gets exhausting trying to be okay. I get myself all pumped up to fix things and then one small turn and I am giving up. I need help but get none when I need it the most. I try to remember to take my medicine and eat good solid meals and snacks at regular intervals but it never turns out that way. And what happens if I can never do it? Heart disease, kidney failure, 
all the health issues my mother and grandmother and father had are just waiting for me, some of them are already killing me as I write. And I am scared and paralyzed by this fear and honestly just wish I could give up. I am really coming to the realization that I am never going to be a mother and its killing me. At 26 I feel like the world is done with me. How pathetic am I? And who am I writing this to, anyways? My family that I know, the one I don't, my friends? Like they can't see how fucked up I am already. I want to see the silver lining, I want to be optimistic and know somehow that ever thing will be alright, but anyone one who knows me, knows, life just isn't that way for me. It's one big mistake after another, and one more bad day to follow the ones before. And I am tired, and scared that I just don't see the worth in it anymore and THAT is frightening. 
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