Just Another Bad Day

OKay, I am having a bad day. Worst part is that the day isn't over. I haven't taken my medicine today because there is nothing to eat in the house and Dustin is sitting around playing video games again. I am so frustrated right now. I don't understand how someone could be such a jerk and not really care at all. Dustin and I have this reoccuring problem, see when Dustin works nights the day before is hell for me. He will stay up all night, drink, play video games and not come to bed till 5-8 in the morning and will not get up one minute early. So he won't go with me to post notices or get lunch, do dishes, clean the apartment, nothing. I just give up. All I want to do is cry today. All I want to do is get away from here and I can't. I'm going crazy. I have vented on the phone with Samantha for an hour now and I still don't feel any better. I am tired of having the same fight. I am tired of getting upset and then giving in. I am just tired. I hate the feeling that the whole world is against me. I hate the self loathing and self hate but I can't shake it free. I need my journal and a pen, some music and a nice quiet hill outside and away from everyone and instead I am stuck here at work with nothing to do, nothing to eat, and no hope.

I am going to spend way to much money on tickets to a Chiefs game that I am increasingly not sure whether or not I even want to go. I still need to get Christmas presents for everyone and I need to get my gym membership so I can start working these crappy feeling out of myself there. I am just frustrated to no end and I am not handling anything well. I have decided not to take a lunch today because I don't want to see Dustin right now. And of all days, today is his day off, so no matter what I do, he is going to be there. So I guess I will just spend as much time as possible at work. That is sad.

I am hating how warm it is outside. 70's in November is just wrong. Bring on the cool crisp weather that fall is supposed to bring, I am tired of being to warm in a sweatshirt. Fall is my favorite time of year because of all the warm colors and the cool air. The warm scents in the cool breeze. That is what make fall so special. *Sigh* I probably shouldn't be writing today since all I want to do is be miserable. I should close the blinds and hide, and I could if I could. But instead I am sitting here in the office watching the tiny birds fly from bush to bush, and bee's fluttering around in the warmer than normal air, and wish that I could be feeling as bright as it is out there.

Pardon my lack of enthusiams
Excuse me, please
Frustratingly polite as I can possibly be
Smiling while grinding my teeth
I eat shit very exstatically.


I have been thinking about all kinds of things lately. From my deceased relatives to the one still here, my health, my friends and all the stuff that has led me to right where I am. I don't know where the time has gone and how I know I am not really old but I feel like it's almost time to go, I just wish making the most out of life wasn't so hard. I find beauty in all kinds of things, I find it hard to determine what I love most in life because it is all so damned special to me, but for all this love I have I can't find a space in my heart for me. I keep making mistakes and disappointing myself and it keeps getting harder and harder to bounce back from them. I have so many issues I think I should have several full-time therapists but then they can't help me if I can't help myself, and that is what I have the worst time with. So am I doomed? Is there hope for me?

The world may never know.

I am done. I am tired of myself and my mood so I am going to bored myself to death.
Later people!