Time Warp

So I feel like I have reverted back to being 9 years old again. Okay maybe not nine but I have reverted back to when I had not moved through all the issues I have had to deal with over the years. I can't explain how exciting and nerve racking it was to see everyone. I am so excited I got to meet my cousins Christa and Denny for the first time ever. I know my dad is smiling like crazy up there because I got to see Linda and everyone again. My mother was so excited to see Barb and Linda again. It's so amazing how different and yet so much the same everyone is. I was so happy to see Debbie and hear about her kids, because I remember being so excited to be a step aunt when I was younger. I was so glad to get to talk to her again and it meant a lot to me.

But I feel strange. I am angry with my grandmother for lying and telling me that she told everyone that I physically hurt her and that everyone knew what I did and how horrible I was, and now I find out after all these years of thinking everyone hated me and it wasn't true. I lost so many years with my family and it hurts. All those issues it took me so long to deal with and now they are all spring right back up in my face. It's hard. I haven't cried so much in years. It feels like I am right back where I was before. And I am trying so hard to focus on the good and be the person that I am today and not revert back to the insecure, scared person I was before but it is a constant battle. I am crying at the drop of a hat. I can't sit through a meal, I can't think about the past without breaking into a sob fest. I just don't feel like me anymore. I had gone so many years with a missing piece and I learned to deal with the hole. And it hurts now to have to rip open that wound, even if it is to heal it.

I don't want anyone to misunderstand me, or my feelings, because I would not wish this away. I would not ever give this up because I missed everyone more that they will ever know. I just wish it wasn't so hard. I wish there wasn't animosity or unsettling feelings floating around everywhere. For whatever it is worth, I let my anger go. I forgive grandma, and my dad, and my mother, and my family and myself because if there is ever going to be love there has to be forgiveness. We all paid our due. I may not be religious but I think God will answer all questions and finish all arguments. All I can be is open, and hope I get that in return. I have no secrets to hide. I am awaiting an email that will hopefully help straighten out any questions, or concerns. I was raw yesterday and I think I mistook a statement to mean more than it was meant to and I am waiting to find out if I did mistake it or not. I hate waiting. lol I just want to focus on the good things in life, like reuniting with my family. I want to know how their life has been. I want them to know that while I could not be there before I will be now. After everything I have been through I just want to cherish every moment. And this is a good time even if it does deal with bad ones from the past, I am trying to focus all my energy on the good. And I will.

My mom is having a hard time too. Just with missing dad so much. I am so proud of her and everything she has done. I know dad is behind her every step of the way, I just wish he could actually be here for her because she need him so much. I am getting all worked up again and I need to get some stuff done here at work.

Samantha, call me! Sorry I missed your call last night. I have had a hard weekend and I slept it off. I love you and kiss Bella for me.