That's what friends are for?

You know, I am not perfect. I don't expect people to be saints, because I am not one either. I have more than likely thought something hateful about everyone. Maybe out of jealousy, maybe out of spite, perhaps out of anger. So do I expect people to always be nice and say nice things? No. But now ask me if I expect my own good friends to talk about me and say what a pig I am? No. Sorry I don't. In my group of friends we all have our share of issues. I love that about us. In all our weird ways, we find was to relate. I love all my friends for different reasons. And yes we all get angry or annoyed with each other for one reason or another. But I know that in a day or so I am over it and its no big deal. I hope this is just one of those things but now I am sitting here trying really hard not to cry. I share my life with people. I talk about my problems and want to hear about everyone else's. I care about everyone. I care about their lives, and their dreams. I care about their feelings. Last night a group of us got together for dinner and watched Project Runway over at Jenny and Wind's. I honestly had a great time, we laughed and played with the babies. But there was tension and I tried my best to disperse and distract. I tried to smooth things over and keep everything light. I joked and kidded around. And I did feel weird and strained from all the tension. But I managed to have a good time. Then I find out that someone was talking about me behind my back. And in that process that someone else had to have been talking about me as well. Basically I am a fat cow and I eat too much. First of all, when and what I eat is no one else's business but mine. And I don't go out to eat often enough with anyone for anyone to have anything to say about it. I don't deny I eat. I don't hide it. And for someone to make me feel insecure about it really upsets me. I know that people have said it and there is no denying it. So where do I go from here? I question myself if I continue to be friends with them then any pain I get from them being backstabbing and mean I feel like I would have brought on myself. But I am not they type of person to then hate them from here on out. I don't know why it must have made them feel better to diss me but I think it's pathetic and mean. Part of me wants to me mean back and just tell them all the horrible things I have ever thought about them because they seem to have no concern for my feelings so why should I care for theirs. But that is not me. I don't want to be that person. And so now I am left questioning what friendship really is. I remember what friendship was once. Rose and I growing up, knowing each other inside and out. Finishing each others sentences. Knowing each others secrets, and dreams. And yes you fight and you argue but you do it out of love and you both know that. You don't sit around talking about what they are wearing or how skinny or fat they are. Of what their hair looks like. Just looking for flaws. Friends see flaws but they look right past them. They help flaws fade away not highlight them and rub them in your face. I don't know if I have friends like that anymore. Maybe the older you get the more superficial your friends become. But I could sure use a hug from a real friend right now because with all the crap I have been going through with my diabetes and PCOS and having children someday, all I need is another insecurity. I am upset and hurt and I have to be the better person when all I want to do is cry.