A Whole New World

What would you do if your would changed in a matter of minutes? A matter of seconds? What about in the matter of 30 days? I had my doctors visit yesterday morning at 10:15am. So what is wrong with me? Everything. Apparently I now have diabetes. I shouldn't be surprised, considering my family's history but everyone else got it in their 40's, but not me. Nope. At 25 ( 2 weeks away from 26) I have diabetes. I add that to the list of all the other things wrong with me. You might as well say I have heart disease already too, because I was already predisposed to have it and now I am guaranteed to get it. So yippee. I realize I should be very grateful that we caught this so early. Not many are so lucky. Like my mom for instance. But all I can think is how I just put another nail in my coffin. I want to break down and scream. I want to cry and curl up into a little ball. I want to yell about how unfair it is. I want to give up. More than anything I just want to give up. After all the crap I have had to go through over the poly-cystic ovarian syndrome and now I have this to contend with. For the rest of my life I will be battling medical bills and doctors for the rest of my life, not to mention insurance companies. It's just keeps getting worse.
I want kids damn it. I want to be a mom. In all my life I have never wanted anything more that to be a mother. And everyday it seems like it gets harder and harder to even imagine ever being able to be pregnant and have a baby. I pry with every cell and fiber of my being that God gives me the ability and the strength to make that dream a reality.

I know I just found out yesterday and maybe I should be more optimistic. And honestly I am trying but it's hard. I found it hard to go out last night and have a good time. I found it hard to get up, hard to want anything. Right now I am lost and scared and I don't know how to do this. I don't know where to begin. I am not refusing to change, in fact I am hopeful and ready to jump into finding my way through this. I am willing to do whatever I need to do in order to get healthy and give me a chance to make my dream come true. I just don't have the optimistic perspective to believe anything I do will ever make a difference. I need help. I need light and focus and money. I need to be someone else. I need to go cry my heart out.