Another Bitch Session

Listening to Academy Is - Almost Here


I am feeling a little low today. I know, I know. What's new, right? Funny thing is I really don't feel like getting into it. Not really anyways. I just wanted some place to vent and what the hell is this thing useful for if not to vent. I really just want to go to sleep. I want to sleep this feeling away. I wish I could shed my body and just forget about all the stupid things that keep infesting my mind. I want to be someone else today. I want to go somewhere else. If my skin could change colors, today I would be grey, maybe a blue grey. I feel like I could turn invisible at any moment. Maybe its for the best. I think I would like to just fade away into nothing. That is the way to day feels. A big nothing. That is moving by so slowly. It's like watching everything in slow motion. The rain, the people, the time. Every horrible thought. It's endless.

I could tell you what got me here. But it's pointless. Everyday is a repeat of the one before and I am losing track of the good days. It's one of those things, another issue. Another thing. And it all just adds up since he won't listen and doesn't want to change. Or can't. It's all the same. And this merry-go-round just keeps going and I am too stupid to get off.

Aqualung - Aqualung, Falling Out of Love

I watch the sun
See it rise and fall
Waiting for something to change
I get through the day
Hope to turn things around
Seems like
I'm falling out of love
Feeling alone
With you by my side
Further and further away
Funny how long
A moment can seem
When you're trying to hold on
Feels like I'm falling out of love


That's what it feels like. In a nutshell. I'm tired of feeling like love is not returned. It's ever so tiring being insecure. I know I am fat. Huge even. No one needs to tell me. Or pretend it doesn't matter. When I know it does. I am so tired of wanting to be perfect. For everyone. I'm tired of feeling like a piece of shit. It's old. So very old. I want the quite contentment that comes from just being happy with myself. I don't know if I will ever have that.

Dustin and I are...stretched. I wish I could say I knew what he felt. But in truth...I have no idea. And that is makeing me cry. Just admitting that. I look at him and just don't know. I have no clue. I don't know if when he says, I love you, he meants it. Honestly, I don't doubt that he loves me though. I just don't think he loves me like I love him. He can be soo selfish. He doesn't even see it. It's like men have this thing about selfishness. I wish I could say I can stand up to him and say HEY! YOUR BEING SELFISH! and then he would see it and realize it and then he would stop. But with him, its just words. They mean nothing. And he looks at me. And I know he is thinking bad things about me. And while he would never say them. I can feel them. And I think yep, there's the stuff he hides from me.

I want to trust him. But I can't. I want to know he loves me like I love him, but he doesn't. And most days I can deal with that. I can deal. It hurts but I don't want to walk away. But sometimes, it builds and builds and then boom. I well up, I struggle, I get angry and let all that hurt out and I cry. Today, its all day. I think about him and my eyes well up and I cry. I don't think I am above anyone. I think maybe we all need to hurt and maybe its my time to hurt. Maybe he is the one supposed to hurt me. I am supposed to lust, and love him completely and he is meant to twist me into knots. I wish I could talk to Samantha. She may not be able to say the right things and I may disagree with alot she says about Dustin, but she gets it. Just like I do with her. We know that pain intimately. The love that isn't there. The guy that doesn't feel what we feel in return. The way you want to be someone else, look different, be different if it meant they would. But you can't so you pretend that its enough. But I am just a fat girl. A girl with no future. A girl with no hope. And who could possibly love a girl like me the way I love him?

Signed Sincerely - Me