It's another Saturday spent at home. Sitting on my ass listening to my usual Surfing the Net/Blogging mix and pretending I have something important to say. Really I am just mopeing around. There is plenty of things I could do but none that I actually want to do. Yesterday was...well if anyone actually read yesterdays post they know how it was. The night consisted of more of the same. Dustin apologized, like usual. And while we both know that he didn't actually mean it, we both pretended he did. I was looking on the net and found something that said we all get the love we think we deserve. And you know, it really holds true. If you think you deserve better then you don't sit around and take less than that. But if you don't think you deserve the kind of love you want, then you take whatever you get. Maybe that is my problem. I know I can be a totally terrible person. I have hurt people and lied and done incredibly stupid things and so the rest of me that isn't a huge fucking bitch feels like I need to be punished. Geez, I'm not even catholic. And if I was that would explain a whole lot but, I'm not. I am just... full og regret. There are things that I have done that sorry cannot even begin to touch. But you know what? I am not a terrible person. I may do terrible things. But I have a heart that feels for people and things and I love everthing so much. I have hopes and dreams and none of that is mean or cruel. So I am not so freaking horrible. So why then is it so hard to find someone that isn't discusted by something about me? I have lots of bad qualities. I eat too much, I am too fat. I can be mean. I get jealous easily. I want everything. I can be selfish sometimes. But you know what? I don't expect anything less from anyone than what I give to them. So if the people I have wronged, wrong me right back, that's what I expect. But for the people I hold above myself, Dustin, I expect him to do the same. And I guess some people just don't feel that way about me. And as I am learning - One day I will finally decide that if that special someone can't love me and please me and feel for me the way I love, please, feel and desire for him then I deserve better. One day. For now, I am still in the, but I love him and maybe thats all I get, stage. I do love him. In more ways than I can say, but he cannot say the same.